Peace Like A River

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier about...well, it's hard to say. She was just saying how sometimes she feels like she's not existing. I think I've been struggling with that as well. And then I remember that all things are working for my good. Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions and quoting things like Romans 8:28 help me get through the day a little better, but tomorrow will be just another day in which I have to find a scripture or something to lift my blue spirit.

Sometimes it's like I'm suspended in mid-air, waiting.

...Waiting for something to happen.

...Waiting for something to change.

...Waiting to know what to do next.

But while waiting I've got to be sure my time is not idle. Waiting does not meaning wasting. I have to remember to grow in my times of waiting. It is then when I realize that this waiting is so essential to becoming. I look around and realize that I have to take advantage of this time when things are not moving so fast. This is the time for development. And you know, I'm thankful for this time. Instead of being thrown into a the middle of the life, I'm given this time to prepare, so that when change happens, its a time of grace and peace.

~Peace Like A River

I finally got a chance to catch up with an undergraduate advisor of mine; Mimi. It was so good just being able to sit and talk with her. I've missed her sooo much. While I was in undergrad Mimi was such an influence. She was extremely strict and loving at the same time. Although she could be quite blunt and direct with me, at the same time I just knew that she was teaching me. She was trying to give me wisdom in increments I could handle. And when I paid her a visit I realized that she did just that. If there was one person who influenced me the most over the past 3 years, it was Mimi. Her grace and wisdom gave me such an model to look at. Even now after graduation I can just go to her office, sit across from her, and share my heart. And it's almost like she sees past what I am saying. She does not get caught up in the emotion of a situation. God has given me such favor through Mimi; kind and gentle wisdom

~Peace Like A River

This blog has actually been in the works for like 4 days. I started it and then just stopped to do other things, so at this moment I am picking it up. Thanksgiving was great. I decided to take and entire week off of work and reLAX. And I did just that. I slept in nearly every day. I went to bed whenever I felt like it. I watched a lot of tv. I ate a lot. The best thing: I spent time with my friends and family.

Thanksgiving day I chilled with my mom. She cooked, I ate..lol. I just hung with her a talked a bit. She has been goin through a hard time so it was nice to just sit next to her for no real reason except just to be there. Well after a couple of hours mommy dearest went into retreat mode, so I left. I'll have to explain more about this in a later blog. All I'm saying now is that I am believing God for yet another miracle. And I truly do believe!

~Peace Like A River

I spent the rest of Thanksgiving (well, Thanksgiving Day, the day before, and the day after) with my buds Sophie, Sabrina, AJ, and LaTricia. It's amazing how God will place the right people in your life at the right time and for the right amount of time. God shows His favor to me through people and I love it. We didn't do much. Chilled. Watched a Beyonce DVD like 40 times. Threw in a little Cece and Tonex. Ate. I guess we just enjoyed each others company since we didn't go home.

I read this book while I was over there front to back and it was just about Heaven. It was about what it would look like, who would be there, how one would feel upon arrival. Just all this stuff and of course no one can really know Heaven in its entirety until ya get there, but this painted a pretty picture. The book was pretty good but it was really the message behind the book that spoke to me:

We go through all this stuff here on earth. We struggle to pay our bills. We struggle to maintain relationships. We struggle to achieve our academic and professional goals. And I just thought, after all this, Anjelica, how much do you struggle to know God? Now, no get it twisted. I do love God and I do want to know Him more tomorrow than I do today. My recent prayer has been to increase my desire for Him. And without my knowledge, God began to do that the moment I spoke it. Of course we desire God. Who wouldn't want to know someone so great and mighty?! But when I prayed that prayer for an increased desire, I was praying from a different kind of place. I want to WANT God more than I want my next breath. I want to WANT God more than I want anything else in this world. I want to WANT God more than I want His blessings and benefits.

I was made in such a way that I am fulfilled by relationships. Things are nice and pretty and shiny...whatever. Things are great. But it's not things that touch me, it's time. It's the giving of something that you can't ever get back. And I was just asking God why in the WORLD would you make me like that?! Seriously, cuz I could really just turn out to be a really annoying, nagging, time consuming person ya know? Then He said..."YOU were meant to give of yourself what YOU can never get back. YOUR time. YOUR love. YOUR heart. And I will fulfill that need that I created in you. And you can continue to give of yourself as I continue give you Myself."

I was made to want God sooo much that I can't stand it if I don't have Him. I can't function. I'm not happy. I can't communicate. I can't chill out. I just can't without Him. He made me that way. And so when I prayed for an increased desire for Him I was simply coming into agreement with Him. So these days things are great. Relationships are great. But the one thing I desire most is communion with God. My desire for Him has increased so, and so my capacity for Him has also increased as a result. You cannot completely receive what you do not completely want. I cannot wait for God to reveal more and more of Himself to me, and I to Him. This was my prayer.

~Peace Like A River

A Somewhat Cloudy November 11, 2009

Ok...I'm stressed.

Like fa real...stressed. Why you might ask?

I haven't been home in nearly two years, so I planned a trip this month. Well financially, I cannot afford to go home. I mean, I was gonna hop in my truck and make the 10 hour drive to see my grandmother for 2 or 3 short days, and drive right back. And from the looks of things, that's not going to happen.

I'm talking to God like..."ok, i'm confused. There should be no reason I can't afford to take a week off of work to go home!!!"

So there's that. And now I have to sign a paper saying I am taking out a loan for $8000 for ONE semester. Great. I can't wait until I have to pay THAT back. You know how crazy this is making me right now. I had a dream that I owed $65,000 to suntrust for school loans. No joke.

So on top of that, I did something really stupid. About a year ago I had a close family member that was in a horrible situation. They needed a co-signer and I was like..."ohhh of course. You're fam" STUPID. Yup, that's right. I'm getting calls from this loan company now. Wonderful. But at the time, I could easily afford their payment PLUS all of my stuff, so I was cool.

Oh yea, my job is trippin wit me too. I was seriously .4 seconds away from walking out the door today and quitting. Long story short, they thought it was okay to give my scheduled hours away to someone else. I tried to be calm about it, but Renee came out. I called, txtd, and sent a "nice" email to my manager that said something along the lines of..."if there is a reason my hours were given away I need to be told, otherwise you might as well give them all away." Well, they gave me my hours back and apologized.

You know what? God has to be setting me up for something spectacular because as of right now, I have a credit card bill, an electricity bill, a cable bill, and a phone bill (all of which are overdue) to pay, and with no $$ in my pocket, that seems pretty impossible right now.

I'm def frustrated. I have never REALLY been broke. But as of lately, things have gotten ridiculous. I mean seriously, I go to school full time and work like 50+ hours a week. I GOT to be doin something wrong! Frustration is the word.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I keep thinking..."God, you have ALWAYS provided for me in some way. ALWAYS. Most of the time very unexpected ways, but right now, I'm thinking to myself...*sigh*. Yup I don't even have words.. Just *sigh* Something real crazy happened to me the other day and I was like...God is sooo setting me up here. And then today I'm like...maybe not. Maybe there is no set up. Maybe I just need to get back to reality, work, and pay my bills. Maybe I just won't get to go home. Maybe this season in life just sucks. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should take a break from school. Maybe I just need to get my mind right.

So chances are there has GOT to be at least a few good things going for me right? Well...I got 102 on my Pathology test. I seem to be handling this grad school thing pretty well. Umm...I'm working a lot with my church, which is great. I get to talk to women who are like twice my age (at least) about their views on life. Very interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Umm...I'm writing a lot with a couple friends. I've had a special "someone" in life for a few months now. I'm out of shape and don't really care ;)

God I know You do the impossible. I've SEEN You do the impossible. I've seen you do the impossible for ME. I know you are bigger than any problem I have or could think up. So right now I am going on record to say I believe that you will take care of my every need. I am your child and your children are never forsaken. You have spoken to me promises that I can't forget. You have proven Yourself time and time again. You have never failed. You are perfect in every way possible. You uphold me and because of you I have gotten this far. So I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to continue my education for an advanced degree. I thank you for my apartment. I thank you for just supplying everything I need. My help does not come from my job, but it comes from you. So right now I give you glory for everything that you have in store. And Father if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped, I thank you because You are God, and no matter what it looks like...all things are working for my good. You are God, and you are a good God.

~After my Father's heart~

Great Is Your Mercy

Well hellooooo

It is super early in the morning, the sun is shining, and today looks like its gonna be a great day!!

Lets see...this week-end was awesome! I went to Memphis to chill with my friends Larry and Amber. We didn't do too much. A LOT of eating, some mall hopping and music sharing. I LOVE being able to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. I saw Tye Tribbett live and it was A-MAZ-ING!! #1. This concert was 4 1/2 hours long. Yes folks. We did not get out until 11:27pm, but it was worth every minute. #2. I have such a respect for the man. Mostly because although he is super hype and gets the crowd up, he will PREACH YOU DOWN! He did ALL of my fav songs...and I do mean ALL of them. But he also cut out a few of his new ones to talk to the youth, and everyone else there for that matter. He seriously brought a Word from the LORD that I am still reflecting on. He was less concerned with what he looked like and even how many songs he got to perform, and more concerned with the people leaving with their spirit filled with what God had spoken to him. His songs are filled with lyrics that can reach a generation. He speaks on issues that are not popular to speak on because they are guaranteed to rub people the wrong way. I love to see people who are serious about God's business. Now I don't know the man personally. I've meet him a couple times, and I know that he is anointed, and he is doing to work of the Lord.

Speaking of people who are serious about God's business...I'm sooo glad I drove back from Memphis for church yesterday. SOOOO glad. Pastor talked about the condition of the heart, which of course entails quite a bit, and I'm still meditating on a lot of it. He talked about how we can NOT walk around holding crap against people and how we can NOT walk around after we've offended someone and act like nothing ever transpired. Basically it was get right before the Lord message and as a friend described it to me...."it hurt so good." What was so funny is that my friend Amber and I spent hours talking about just that on the way to and from Memphis. This week-end was full of confirmation and grace. Thank you Father!!

So I left for Memphis Saturday morning, hung out all day, went to see Tye that night, and drove back to Nashville Sunday morning so I could make it to church. AFTER which I helped my mother move. I did NOT feel like helping her and was real tempted to get an attitude. BUT...I'm being careful to not grow weary in well doing. After all, my week-end had been excellent up until that point, so I had a decision to make. Let this thing that I don't feel like doing get the best of me, or get I could get the best of it. After all that I was planning on going home and going to bed. NOPE. I was on the phone for like 3 hours! ugh...and I don't even like talking on the phone. lol And now its super early, and I'm at work, BUT its ok because today is great :)


*A spirit of weariness will ALWAYS try to attach itself to you when you are doing well*



So for the past two months or so I have not been happy. And I'm a happy girl. I'm usually giddy for no specific reason, and over the past several weeks I have not been feeling like that. I KNEW something was wrong. I was tired and just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I blamed part of it on my environment, which was wrong of me. I can't control my environment or the people in it but I have a choice of how I respond to things. My perspective needed to be changed and my spirit needed a serious refreshing, and over the last two weeks my perspective has def been changing and my spirit is new. I missed that happy-go-lucky Anjelica. I'm not being self centered or anything, but I missed me, and I had allowed that part of me to be buried by circumstances. I had no right to allow ANYTHING to steal my smile, and I did. So for the Father, forgive me. BUT today...today I feel as if the purpose for all this spiritual warfare has been revealed. I have a new view of my life and of God. God has not given me the right to do anything but live a life that glorifies Him, and frowning all the time def does not. The bible says to MAKE a joyful noise. It does not say "be led" to make a joyful noise, or to make a joyful noise when you feel like it. It simply says to MAKE a joyful noise. This infers that we must decide to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. We have to make our mouths open in praises to God. We have to make nice with those around us. We have to DECIDE to give God glory in spite of. And I have decided. Happy for no reason Anjelica is back. Devil, get out the freakin way!!

Thank you God for your patience, your grace, and your mercy. Your patience has allowed me to go through the process of obtaining a better understanding of who You are. You grace has supplied me with all that I need while going through this process. Your mercy has held back the consequences of not being who you have called me to be. Jehovah, none is greater than You, and I will spend my life showing the world how glorious You are.

So Thankful,

~Jel~

Falling SUCKS!!

I'm reading this book. It's pretty good. I'm always finding some book to read, as if someone else's revelation of God and the human race will become mine and the process that person had to go through to receive this concept will be spared for me because I just dipped in on their revelation. Well I must say, sometimes that works. I shouldn't have to experience everything for myself, sometimes I should just take a clue and learn from the disasters of others. The author is a best-seller and all that, and he is a Christian. In fact he's a "Christian author," (because as we all know unless you're an author that writes books about Jesus you aren't a "Christian author," but just another author who is no different than a non-believer).

Anyway, he writes with such a transparency that it makes me uncomfortable. He writes about his feelings and relationships and stuff with such honesty and openness, it's incredible. How secure does one have to be to give his personal life such an audience?

Anyway, he talks about something that's quite interesting to me: human nature. I study Psychology. Psychology is a funny thing. The "big heads" of the field take principles of human nature, subtract God, and name these principles as theories after themselves, as if God was not the creator of man and already had these answers and more that we could never fathom. The author never studied Psychology I don't think, but his views are quite amazing to me.

He talks a lot about the fall of man; before and after. He depicts the paradise before the fall not in terms of scenery, but in terms of the original mindset of man. These are his views:

Man (and woman) were created to receive affirmation from God. We were created to depend on God for everything that we need. This included emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, as well as the physical. We were created to love God receive love from Him, and interact with Him as if we were best friends, He has father and you and me as child. He created a need in us for Him. We were made to need His words of love and His touch. Then we fell. We separated from Him. We created a distance between Him and us, and no longer were we receiving those words of love and touches like we used to. Think about it. Before the fall, man walked with God. I mean really walked with God. Now? Well we occasionally visit Him. We do walk with Him, whenever we go through this long drawn out struggle of killing our flesh and blocking out the world so we may finally hear and see Him, but we are still separated. Even though we chose to separate ourselves from God, He has not granted the favor of changing our make-up, our internal wiring. We still need these words of love and we still need touch. So now that we are distanced from our Creator, where do these words and touches come from? I guess we just look for them in our current state, in our current environment.

Is this why too many people settle for less than they are worth? Is this why young women are taken advantage of by predators that seek to destroy what was once beautiful? Is this why we feel unacceptable when we don't receive this affirmation that we were created to need?

The author writes this:

And then I started thinking about my own life, how I need people to love me and like me and how, if they don't, I feel miserable and sad and how I am tempted to believe what they are saying about me is true. It is as though the voice of God we used to have has been taken up by less credible voices. And when I think about this I know that Genesis 3 is true; I know without a doubt I am a person who is wired so that something outside of myself tells me who I am. I am not trying to say I have some kind of terrible dysfunction or anything, it's just that other people's opinions, after the Fall, have become very important, and if everybody says that Saab cars are cool, then I want a Saab car, and if people say that a certain kind of music is cool, then I am more likely to listen to that kind of music (Miller, 95).

"...if the relations between God and man are disturbed, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don't get that love and respect we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake," (Miller, 108).

Yes ladies and gents, our glory is at stake. But lets be real about this, haven't we already lost our glory? Didn't we exchange our glory for the knowledge that the apple gave us? So when we realized we were no better than apes unless we wore threads of costly clothing, we traded our glory as the price.

We search for all this knowledge. We go to school for years. We take out loans for thousands of dollars and spend our entire lives trying to pay it back, and for what? For knowledge? For that thing that was responsible for our fall? We are still searching for that. Still eating the forbidden apple. Still loaning our souls out for just a bit of knowledge that might place us ahead of where we are. I almost brave enough to stand up and say knowledge is setting us back. It's removing us, again, from our place with God.

So are we now doomed to search the earth for comforts that we need, or will any of us ever become secure enough and close enough to God so that we don't have to search the earth? We can get all that we need from the Creator who designed us to need in the first place.

So stepping back into reality, I'll continue to pay too much money for this all important knowledge that will one day place me in a such a status that I will be loved and respected, and will receive exactly what I've been looking for. So why is it when people get to that place, they aren't fulfilled? Did I miss something? Maybe we are not designed to receive love from just anyone. Maybe we are specifically designed to receive a certain love from a certain Creator. Well that's just great...cuz now I got loans out the trap, and when I get to that place of "status," I'll realize..."dang...all of this crap was just not worth it."

(By the way...this isn't a pic of the book I'm currently reading, but I plan to get to this one soon.)

Things that Make ya go mmmmm.....

Alright.

Life is pretty much the same. Boring right? I get up ridiculously early to go to a job that to no end tap dances on my nerves of the regular. I leave that job to go to another. I leave the other to go to class. Then I go home to try and sleep for a few hours before doing it all again. Can you say mundane??!!

I'm getting into this groove where I'm not even interested in hanging out wit my folks anymore. Is that bad? I'm always either tired, or thinking about what I have to do the following day. Ugh!! On top of that God is putting me through some serious transition man. I don't find the same contentment in doing the things I used to do. I'm not talking about "the thangs I used to do, I don't do no more. The places I used to go..." I'm talking about everyday regular stuff. Chillin. Playin my guitar. Writing music. I don't find the same enjoyment that I once did and that's a problem.

When I was just chillin I was so happy to just be relaxing in the fact that I don't have anything else to do. Now I feel like God is really beckoning me like..."Anjelica, I know that you're relaxed and everything, but uh...you need to spend some more time with me." I'm like...ok God, I DO spend time with you. But the time I used to spend with Him no longer suffices. I can't move to point B in my life by sustaining myself with what was required at point A. So...more time with God...check.

I'm writing music a lot more again. I don't play it much for anyone except one or two of my homies, but it has become a great therapy. A friend of mine actually wants to sing one of my songs, and I'm more than happy to hand it over. When she sings that song it blesses me man!

~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've been writing about this wonderful job opp that may be presenting itself. Well ladies and gents...it has. Well there was two. My immediate offer has not responded which SUCKS because I want out of this crappy work-work-school rut...like right now. My long term plan pulled through. In February of 2011 I will be going back to Iowa to finish the final registration process of being a counselor overseas. I cannot freaking wait!! Why Feb 2011 Anjelica? That's seriously like 16 months away. Yea I know...that's why it's my "LONG term" plan. Here's the story:

I went to a lab high school that was attached to a University called the University of Northern Iowa and I randomly came across this program they have where they send professionals to other areas of the world in need of different professional services. Now a friend of mine was actually doing this and has been for some time. In two years she has worked in Peru, Greece, Egypt, and is on her way to Istanbul. I was like...mane...hook me up with what agency you workin wit!! Turns out folks it's UNI.

I had planned on going to Aussie Land to work with an organization called Mission Australia, but their programs are grant funded, which mean they are not guaranteed to be there in a year after the grant is up, and the way the economy is lookin...they just might not be there in a years time. So I'm questioning the security of that organization. SO I got an e-mail from a UNI faculty member (and fellow NU alum) instructing me to finish the registration process next September so that when 2011 comes I am ready with my Masters degree to ship out. I was talking to her about the whole thing and salaries are awesome, transportation and apartments are provided, week-end trips to neighboring cities and countries are likely. The only stipulation...I've already begun the process so I HAVE to finish my Masters in Dec of next year. What stay focused? What no time off? What loans?

I'm still goin for my Ph.D. but ima need a break...and making cash overseas sounds like a pretty good break. But a whole year and a half? OMG That's a long time. So in the mean time I'm going to Jamaica at the end of Feb. That should tide me over until the following Dec. right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School. School is awesome. A friend of mine is going to school for environmental science and we talk almost everyday about how school really is awesome. I mean we are both challenged by it, but have this weird love for it. What the heck would I be doing if I wasn't in school? IDK...cuz I've never NOT been in school. Well I took my first round of tests last week...As all around. In my Pathology class I actually got a 102! How the HECK does that happen? Well please believe that I asked no questions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm looking at the title to thing blog. IDK why its called Things that make ya go mmmmmm. That has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this blog, but it's stuck in my head. So there is it. Things that make ya go mmm mmm mmmmmm.

~Peaces~

You can have all this world/Just give me Jesus

Today I woke up at 5:30 am which normally I'd be rather pissed about, but I went to bed at like 10:30 last night. The plan was I'll be in bed by 9:30 because I needed to catch up on some serious sleep. So after class I jetted to the store to pick up some thangs and then home to watch Grey's Anatomy. I was 15 minutes late!!! ughhh!! But Sophie came to the rescue and caught me up on what I'd missed. Ok...last week Grey's was the freaking worst, but they have been redeemed. So I watched it over the phone with Sophie and at 9 I planned on getting ready for bed. THEN the preview for Private Practice looked the bomb (some crazy woman cut open this other women to steal her unborn baby) so me and Soph were like..."dangit...I guess we'll be watching this too."

Okay, so about 10:30 I said goodnight to the correspondences I'd been keeping and shut out the world. I had the craziest dream!! You know what...I've had that dream twice now, but they've differed just a bit. I'm talking to the same woman about the same thing, only this one was longer and the conversation covered a bit more. hmm....

I woke up at 5:30 like I said, got up at 6:07, left the house at 6:30, was 4 minutes late to work, and felt on top of the world. Why you might ask? Well let me tell you. I heard one of my favorite songs on the way to work. It's called Jesus by Jeremy Camp. If you have not heard it...you need to. It's crazy simply, not a lot of words, not a lot of chords, but it says so much. The whole song is about how you can have anything I have, EVERYTHING I have....just give me Jesus.

When I'm lonely, give me Jesus

When I die, give me Jesus

Man this song is so deep and simple at the same time. This is something I believe every Christian needs to learn and understand. I believe God takes us through soooo much just so we can get this one point. The world is crazy, and it can offer us a lot of things. Let's be real. The church is always talking about how the world has nothing to offer and this and that, but you know what...the world be looking reeeaalll attractive sometimes. I mean all of the "right now" comforts the world can and will give you if you would only compromise your relationship with God. Not your whole relationship, just parts of it. Is that not how we think?

"well, I'll do this, but I won't do that" but you know "this" ain't no different than "that."

But this simple song is just saying keep eeeeverything this world has to offer. GIVE ME JESUS!! Now if this song is not a declaration of an uncompromising heart...!

Today I am so thrilled just to be living right alongside my living savior. So many people don't know Jesus as their savior. The other day I was talking to a family member back home who out of pure disrespect for me and God proceeded to tell me how this "God mess" is purely for money making purposes, which might I add he is taking full advantage of. First off that made me mad. I was offended dangit!! But I didn't really react. I didn't say much of anything after that. That was probably a great time to minister, but I didn't. After my defensiveness subsided all I could feel was compassion for this individual. He did not know God. So when he is alone, he is really alone. And when he is sick, he is really sick because he doesn't know that Jesus is a comforter and a healer. To him, Jesus is a paycheck. To so many Jesus is a paycheck. A way to take advantage of unfortunate individuals who are looking for a solution for their pain and frustration that has yet to be found.

So even though that is sooo freakin sad, that so many don't actually who God is and what He did for us, it makes me so much more enthused that I do! I am learning who God is more and more everyday, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Distractions come. Drama comes. Pain and frustration come. But its all just a ploy to get us to take our eyes and our hearts away from learning of God. But at the end of the day man...you can take all that drama and frustration. You can even takes all the money and fame in the world, give me my Jesus, who after everything falls ways and no one is left standing by your side, He's still there.

You can have all this world/Give me Jesus

~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, what the heck am I gonna do with my life?? LOL I mean ok...recently I've been looking into working for a holistic health care company. If I do get the job I'll be traveling, A LOT, and make a wonderful salary. OR I could pursue music, which is my lifelong passion. Actually not just music, but worship through music. OR I could take the route of academia and work my way up the ladder of professing professionals. UGH!! Can't I just do it all??! I mean who the heck said you had to pick something and stick to only that. I'm not interested in doing the same thing for the rest of my life. PLUS with this economy, it sounds like a great idea to have interests in several different areas that produce some kind of income. SO, because I can't decide, I won't decide. If I get the job in holistic health care I'll do that and make some greenery. If I continue to write, sing, and play, I'll do that too. And I'll obviously continue in school. So yea, why decide when you don't have to??

BTW I took a test on Monday, Tuesday, and I have one next week too. This is starting to get real. UGH I hate when school gets real. Can't we just sit and listen to each other and learn about the different schools of thought with having to reiterate them on paper??? Well our education system says no, so on that note, I really need to read.

Peaces!!

~A

Rain...what rain?

Alright. Never in my life have I seen so much rain. I'm from Iowa, and we don't get this. I've been down here for 4 years. TENNESSEE don't get this! WTH?!! Who was that in the bible that told the rain to stop, and it did? Jacob maybe? Well where is Jacob? But if it wasn't raining we'd be complaining about a drought so.....

Yesterday, Friday, was a really really good day. It's been a while since I've had a really really good day. I was sooo tired. I had to be at work at some ungodly hour (if the sun ain't up yet, the hour is ungodly okay? Remember that right there). The night before I was chillin with Sophie, talkin and watchin Grey's Anatomy (which was a HUGE disappointment) till like...IDK, too late cuz we BOTH had to work the next morn.

Ok, hold up. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Well I'm an avid fan and as a fan I must be honest. This two-hour season premiere was awful. It kicked rock after rock after rock after rock....(not crack rock...cuz crack is cheap...me and bobby's babaaayy;). MAN...I couldn't believe it. Me and Sophie were waiting forEV to see this premiere and entire time we were like....what???! What the hell is this mess?? I don't know about her, but I was pissed.

*Sorry, I had to let that out.*

Anyway, I had to work a full day on Friday and I was so tired. Let me tell you how my week was prior to that. Wednesday I had work 3-11, and then Thursday...whhewww Jesus Thursday I had to be at work at 6am to 11am, then the counseling office at 11:30 to 4p, then class from 5-7:30p. THEN I finally took a breath, and jetted to the house tryna beat Soph there. So after all that, we chilled for a while, THEN I had to get up for work the next morn. The way it would look, my entire week would create a horrible Friday. It rained non stop, I was tired, I need to study. Let me tell you what happened on Friday right?

I got up. I showered. I got dressed. I got my stuff together. I walked out the door. I got in my truck. I saw my check engine light come on....nooo Jesus nooooo. I began the drive to work. Then I decided, you know what? I've had too many bad days. Since my bday (maybe before) I have not been happy at all. Where is my joy man? I'm that person who is always happy for no reason. Nope, not as of lately. SO Friday when I was driving to work (in the rain) I smiled. I KNOW I looked extra crazy, but I just smiled and began to thank God for how awesome He is. I believe He just waits for moments like these....when we realize that no matter what's going on, God is still God.

It can be sooo hard to remember this sometimes when bills are piling up and the money is not coming in. When school is getting on your nerves. When people stretch your faith. When family is actin a fool. When the enemy plays games with your mind. Through all that, I can't lie, it's hard to remember God is God because everything else is so up in your face.

But that Friday morning in my truck I remembered. God's beauty is reflected everywhere, and I refused to go through this day without taking notice. My spirit lifted at THAT moment. My heaviness lifted and my heart was full of joy. I had literally forgotten what it was like to be happy for no real reason. To have joy. I almost always (I'm stressing the "almost" here) have a smile on my face. I can always find the silver lining. ALWAYS. But lately, that old bug of depression that darkened my adolescent years began to creep in and days just got darker and darker. I stopped that crap in it's tracks. I've gone through too much and come out cleaner than when I went in to go back there. God has brought me out of such despair, that I would be doing Him or me no service by going back. I never again want to see the inside of a hospital room because I couldn't find a reason to see tomorrow.

My days will be bright and I will notice the beauty of God, even when it's hard to see.

One thing that I love to do is write. I wrote a simple worship song yesterday. It's about coming back to God. You know after you've foolishly taken a little break from devotion and time spent with Him, and you come back with a sincere heart and broken spirit? And in coming back you realize God never went anywhere, but waiting patiently on you to return to Him? Yup, that's what it's about. I've written songs in the meantime, but this one is different. This one doesn't "sound good." This one is real. This is sumn like a declaration for me.

"I hate to say it/but it's true/my heart has turned from you/But you stayed with me/But you covered me/But you kept me/But you waited for me/So I say thank you Lord"

So friends, what do you see that's beautiful about God today? Through all of this rain...what is He growing and cultivating in you? Around you? With you?

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God has given me tremendous favor. I have the amazing opportunity to work with the youth choir at Born Again. Now for a long time, I didn't even KNOW there was a youth choir. I guess because they sing downstairs during service. I LOVE IT!!!

One thing that touches the deepest part of my heart is when I see young people worshiping God. When I say young people, I mean 14-19. This is the age where the enemy will do his best to take you out. He pulls out all the stops. Why do you think teen suicide rates are higher than ever and our youth is sooo lost in the craziness of life? I love the kiddies (12/13 and under), but these teens have my heart. They go through so much and battle so much, and they usually do it alone because the world and the church underestimate what they have to face. When they can lift their hands and tell God thank you....I'm bout to cry right now. I love it. the desperation for Him. The child-like heart that needs Him. I love it.

So we are traveling to Dyersburg (the big city...lol whit) on Sunday to sing. I am so new to this choir (I don't even know everybody's name) but somehow, in a period of like 3 weeks, I went from being a visiter to really being involved. IDK how, but I love it. I was content with just supporting them. But it is so great to stand with them and worship God with them. So needless to say I'm super pumped for Dyersburg. I'm super pumped for just rehearsal. Thank you God for the chance to love you with the young folk. You KNOW I needed this.

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I have this song stuck in my head man. You know it. I believe it's called for your glory. "For your glory/I would do anything/Just to see you/To behold you as my King/I wanna be where you are/I gotta be where you are"

Man, I was listenin to this yesterday and straight fell into worship. These are some powerful words. I GOTTA be where you are. I'd do ANYTHING for your glory!

This is gonna be in my head for a minute...

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School. I fear it will never end. I fear that I will get so sick of it that I'll quit. I fear that I'll get tired of accruing loans. UGHH!! Shoot I'm already tired. But it's like...I've already started. I'm halfway. I've started my Master's, I'll be done in a year. And time-wise, starting my doctorate will be downhill. But you know...everyday I'm convinced that I'm gonna take a little break. I gotta get out for a while

God...where should we go?

I love ya!!!