Saturday, October 17, 2009

Falling SUCKS!!




I'm reading this book. It's pretty good. I'm always finding some book to read, as if someone else's revelation of God and the human race will become mine and the process that person had to go through to receive this concept will be spared for me because I just dipped in on their revelation. Well I must say, sometimes that works. I shouldn't have to experience everything for myself, sometimes I should just take a clue and learn from the disasters of others. The author is a best-seller and all that, and he is a Christian. In fact he's a "Christian author," (because as we all know unless you're an author that writes books about Jesus you aren't a "Christian author," but just another author who is no different than a non-believer).


Anyway, he writes with such a transparency that it makes me uncomfortable. He writes about his feelings and relationships and stuff with such honesty and openness, it's incredible. How secure does one have to be to give his personal life such an audience?

Anyway, he talks about something that's quite interesting to me: human nature. I study Psychology. Psychology is a funny thing. The "big heads" of the field take principles of human nature, subtract God, and name these principles as theories after themselves, as if God was not the creator of man and already had these answers and more that we could never fathom. The author never studied Psychology I don't think, but his views are quite amazing to me.

He talks a lot about the fall of man; before and after. He depicts the paradise before the fall not in terms of scenery, but in terms of the original mindset of man. These are his views:

Man (and woman) were created to receive affirmation from God. We were created to depend on God for everything that we need. This included emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, as well as the physical. We were created to love God receive love from Him, and interact with Him as if we were best friends, He has father and you and me as child. He created a need in us for Him. We were made to need His words of love and His touch. Then we fell. We separated from Him. We created a distance between Him and us, and no longer were we receiving those words of love and touches like we used to. Think about it. Before the fall, man walked with God. I mean really walked with God. Now? Well we occasionally visit Him. We do walk with Him, whenever we go through this long drawn out struggle of killing our flesh and blocking out the world so we may finally hear and see Him, but we are still separated. Even though we chose to separate ourselves from God, He has not granted the favor of changing our make-up, our internal wiring. We still need these words of love and we still need touch. So now that we are distanced from our Creator, where do these words and touches come from? I guess we just look for them in our current state, in our current environment.

Is this why too many people settle for less than they are worth? Is this why young women are taken advantage of by predators that seek to destroy what was once beautiful? Is this why we feel unacceptable when we don't receive this affirmation that we were created to need?

The author writes this:

And then I started thinking about my own life, how I need people to love me and like me and how, if they don't, I feel miserable and sad and how I am tempted to believe what they are saying about me is true. It is as though the voice of God we used to have has been taken up by less credible voices. And when I think about this I know that Genesis 3 is true; I know without a doubt I am a person who is wired so that something outside of myself tells me who I am. I am not trying to say I have some kind of terrible dysfunction or anything, it's just that other people's opinions, after the Fall, have become very important, and if everybody says that Saab cars are cool, then I want a Saab car, and if people say that a certain kind of music is cool, then I am more likely to listen to that kind of music (Miller, 95).

"...if the relations between God and man are disturbed, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don't get that love and respect we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake," (Miller, 108).

Yes ladies and gents, our glory is at stake. But lets be real about this, haven't we already lost our glory? Didn't we exchange our glory for the knowledge that the apple gave us? So when we realized we were no better than apes unless we wore threads of costly clothing, we traded our glory as the price.

We search for all this knowledge. We go to school for years. We take out loans for thousands of dollars and spend our entire lives trying to pay it back, and for what? For knowledge? For that thing that was responsible for our fall? We are still searching for that. Still eating the forbidden apple. Still loaning our souls out for just a bit of knowledge that might place us ahead of where we are. I almost brave enough to stand up and say knowledge is setting us back. It's removing us, again, from our place with God.

So are we now doomed to search the earth for comforts that we need, or will any of us ever become secure enough and close enough to God so that we don't have to search the earth? We can get all that we need from the Creator who designed us to need in the first place.
So stepping back into reality, I'll continue to pay too much money for this all important knowledge that will one day place me in a such a status that I will be loved and respected, and will receive exactly what I've been looking for. So why is it when people get to that place, they aren't fulfilled? Did I miss something? Maybe we are not designed to receive love from just anyone. Maybe we are specifically designed to receive a certain love from a certain Creator. Well that's just great...cuz now I got loans out the trap, and when I get to that place of "status," I'll realize..."dang...all of this crap was just not worth it."




(By the way...this isn't a pic of the book I'm currently reading, but I plan to get to this one soon.)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Things that Make ya go mmmmm.....


Alright.


Life is pretty much the same. Boring right? I get up ridiculously early to go to a job that to no end tap dances on my nerves of the regular. I leave that job to go to another. I leave the other to go to class. Then I go home to try and sleep for a few hours before doing it all again. Can you say mundane??!!


I'm getting into this groove where I'm not even interested in hanging out wit my folks anymore. Is that bad? I'm always either tired, or thinking about what I have to do the following day. Ugh!! On top of that God is putting me through some serious transition man. I don't find the same contentment in doing the things I used to do. I'm not talking about "the thangs I used to do, I don't do no more. The places I used to go..." I'm talking about everyday regular stuff. Chillin. Playin my guitar. Writing music. I don't find the same enjoyment that I once did and that's a problem.


When I was just chillin I was so happy to just be relaxing in the fact that I don't have anything else to do. Now I feel like God is really beckoning me like..."Anjelica, I know that you're relaxed and everything, but uh...you need to spend some more time with me." I'm like...ok God, I DO spend time with you. But the time I used to spend with Him no longer suffices. I can't move to point B in my life by sustaining myself with what was required at point A. So...more time with God...check.


I'm writing music a lot more again. I don't play it much for anyone except one or two of my homies, but it has become a great therapy. A friend of mine actually wants to sing one of my songs, and I'm more than happy to hand it over. When she sings that song it blesses me man!


~~~~~~~~~~~


So I've been writing about this wonderful job opp that may be presenting itself. Well ladies and gents...it has. Well there was two. My immediate offer has not responded which SUCKS because I want out of this crappy work-work-school rut...like right now. My long term plan pulled through. In February of 2011 I will be going back to Iowa to finish the final registration process of being a counselor overseas. I cannot freaking wait!! Why Feb 2011 Anjelica? That's seriously like 16 months away. Yea I know...that's why it's my "LONG term" plan. Here's the story:


I went to a lab high school that was attached to a University called the University of Northern Iowa and I randomly came across this program they have where they send professionals to other areas of the world in need of different professional services. Now a friend of mine was actually doing this and has been for some time. In two years she has worked in Peru, Greece, Egypt, and is on her way to Istanbul. I was like...mane...hook me up with what agency you workin wit!! Turns out folks it's UNI.


I had planned on going to Aussie Land to work with an organization called Mission Australia, but their programs are grant funded, which mean they are not guaranteed to be there in a year after the grant is up, and the way the economy is lookin...they just might not be there in a years time. So I'm questioning the security of that organization. SO I got an e-mail from a UNI faculty member (and fellow NU alum) instructing me to finish the registration process next September so that when 2011 comes I am ready with my Masters degree to ship out. I was talking to her about the whole thing and salaries are awesome, transportation and apartments are provided, week-end trips to neighboring cities and countries are likely. The only stipulation...I've already begun the process so I HAVE to finish my Masters in Dec of next year. What stay focused? What no time off? What loans?


I'm still goin for my Ph.D. but ima need a break...and making cash overseas sounds like a pretty good break. But a whole year and a half? OMG That's a long time. So in the mean time I'm going to Jamaica at the end of Feb. That should tide me over until the following Dec. right?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


School. School is awesome. A friend of mine is going to school for environmental science and we talk almost everyday about how school really is awesome. I mean we are both challenged by it, but have this weird love for it. What the heck would I be doing if I wasn't in school? IDK...cuz I've never NOT been in school. Well I took my first round of tests last week...As all around. In my Pathology class I actually got a 102! How the HECK does that happen? Well please believe that I asked no questions.


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I'm looking at the title to thing blog. IDK why its called Things that make ya go mmmmmm. That has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this blog, but it's stuck in my head. So there is it. Things that make ya go mmm mmm mmmmmm.



~Peaces~

Friday, October 2, 2009

You can have all this world/Just give me Jesus

Today I woke up at 5:30 am which normally I'd be rather pissed about, but I went to bed at like 10:30 last night. The plan was I'll be in bed by 9:30 because I needed to catch up on some serious sleep. So after class I jetted to the store to pick up some thangs and then home to watch Grey's Anatomy. I was 15 minutes late!!! ughhh!! But Sophie came to the rescue and caught me up on what I'd missed. Ok...last week Grey's was the freaking worst, but they have been redeemed. So I watched it over the phone with Sophie and at 9 I planned on getting ready for bed. THEN the preview for Private Practice looked the bomb (some crazy woman cut open this other women to steal her unborn baby) so me and Soph were like..."dangit...I guess we'll be watching this too."


Okay, so about 10:30 I said goodnight to the correspondences I'd been keeping and shut out the world. I had the craziest dream!! You know what...I've had that dream twice now, but they've differed just a bit. I'm talking to the same woman about the same thing, only this one was longer and the conversation covered a bit more. hmm....


I woke up at 5:30 like I said, got up at 6:07, left the house at 6:30, was 4 minutes late to work, and felt on top of the world. Why you might ask? Well let me tell you. I heard one of my favorite songs on the way to work. It's called Jesus by Jeremy Camp. If you have not heard it...you need to. It's crazy simply, not a lot of words, not a lot of chords, but it says so much. The whole song is about how you can have anything I have, EVERYTHING I have....just give me Jesus.


When I'm lonely, give me Jesus

When I die, give me Jesus


Man this song is so deep and simple at the same time. This is something I believe every Christian needs to learn and understand. I believe God takes us through soooo much just so we can get this one point. The world is crazy, and it can offer us a lot of things. Let's be real. The church is always talking about how the world has nothing to offer and this and that, but you know what...the world be looking reeeaalll attractive sometimes. I mean all of the "right now" comforts the world can and will give you if you would only compromise your relationship with God. Not your whole relationship, just parts of it. Is that not how we think?

"well, I'll do this, but I won't do that" but you know "this" ain't no different than "that."


But this simple song is just saying keep eeeeverything this world has to offer. GIVE ME JESUS!! Now if this song is not a declaration of an uncompromising heart...!


Today I am so thrilled just to be living right alongside my living savior. So many people don't know Jesus as their savior. The other day I was talking to a family member back home who out of pure disrespect for me and God proceeded to tell me how this "God mess" is purely for money making purposes, which might I add he is taking full advantage of. First off that made me mad. I was offended dangit!! But I didn't really react. I didn't say much of anything after that. That was probably a great time to minister, but I didn't. After my defensiveness subsided all I could feel was compassion for this individual. He did not know God. So when he is alone, he is really alone. And when he is sick, he is really sick because he doesn't know that Jesus is a comforter and a healer. To him, Jesus is a paycheck. To so many Jesus is a paycheck. A way to take advantage of unfortunate individuals who are looking for a solution for their pain and frustration that has yet to be found.


So even though that is sooo freakin sad, that so many don't actually who God is and what He did for us, it makes me so much more enthused that I do! I am learning who God is more and more everyday, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Distractions come. Drama comes. Pain and frustration come. But its all just a ploy to get us to take our eyes and our hearts away from learning of God. But at the end of the day man...you can take all that drama and frustration. You can even takes all the money and fame in the world, give me my Jesus, who after everything falls ways and no one is left standing by your side, He's still there.


You can have all this world/Give me Jesus


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On another note, what the heck am I gonna do with my life?? LOL I mean ok...recently I've been looking into working for a holistic health care company. If I do get the job I'll be traveling, A LOT, and make a wonderful salary. OR I could pursue music, which is my lifelong passion. Actually not just music, but worship through music. OR I could take the route of academia and work my way up the ladder of professing professionals. UGH!! Can't I just do it all??! I mean who the heck said you had to pick something and stick to only that. I'm not interested in doing the same thing for the rest of my life. PLUS with this economy, it sounds like a great idea to have interests in several different areas that produce some kind of income. SO, because I can't decide, I won't decide. If I get the job in holistic health care I'll do that and make some greenery. If I continue to write, sing, and play, I'll do that too. And I'll obviously continue in school. So yea, why decide when you don't have to??


BTW I took a test on Monday, Tuesday, and I have one next week too. This is starting to get real. UGH I hate when school gets real. Can't we just sit and listen to each other and learn about the different schools of thought with having to reiterate them on paper??? Well our education system says no, so on that note, I really need to read.


Peaces!!


~A