Open The Eyes of My Heart

Do you ever just KNOW that you need to see things differently?

So yesterday I get a letter in the mail from my grandmother. A freakin HANDwritten letter talkin about like..."I love you and I don't really want you to go to Jamaica (yes, she is still on that) but God will care for you" and all that. Ok folks, although for the past few months my family has really be tryin me. They didn't come for my graduation, now they mad cuz I ain't been home, they haven't even sent me money man!! But when I got that letter you know what? All I could think was...I miss my grandma so much. I miss her so bad I want to cry. I spent so much time being mad because she didn't agree with my decisions I forgot how much I miss and love her. I been working so hard on myself lately, trying to be righteous and all that, trying to be stronger in faith...but LOVE is the greatest thing there is. We should be so busy loving each other that we ain't the time to hate or bicker or dislike. (1 Corinthians 13:13) I will love like I will not see another tomorrow. I love my grandmother. I love my family. I love my friends. I love you!!! And you and you and you...not you...and you! LOL

Alright, so I mentioned earlier that I have been working a lot on me. That's an understatement. I'm sure you can understand because as children of God we are always trying to be better, or at least we should be. So you may be wondering, "Anjelica, whats going on with you that you gotta be workin so hard to fix?" First of all let me say, I cannot fix anything in my own power. Healing and correction comes from God and it is through Him that I have been able to see who I am, who I am not, and how I can become who He wants me to be.

Sidenote: Do y'all ever get tired of me talking about God in my blogs?? Well get over it, cuz I just can't help it

Ok, back on track. I'm rambling right now because I've never really talked publicly about what I'm about to say. And I know that plenty of people deal with the same things and ain't nothin under the sun really new, sooo....I am allowing God to heal me of this spirit of rejection (I can't believe I just said that). I am not outwardly sensitive (I don't think, I could be wrong) but I have a real issue with rejection. Par exemple...if I call you and don't receive a call back for like, say 3 days. During those 3 days I'll be like...what the hell?! #1. Why are you not calling me back? #2. What did I do to make you not want to call me back? #3. Fine, I just won't call you anymore. #4. Then I'll get kinda sad because I have resolved to not talk with you. Now people, tell me this is not extremely compulsive! My mind will keep going for NO good reason, just because I haven't heard from you. So as of lately God has been instructing me that each time I start to feel like this I immediately ask God to give me peace and take away this feeling, cuz its CRAZY!! Well, He didn't say crazy, those are my words, but it is.

Frankly, I have been having these feelings less and less and I address them and hand them over to God more and more, but still, they will arise. I just wanna know where the heck did they come from?! Why are some people consumed with the need to be loved and accepted and driven by fear of rejection, and others don't give a #$#*? I have had 2 crazy, traumatic, and ongoing events in my life to which I could probably trace this issue of rejection back to, but you know what? I don't feel like it. I don't feel like bringing up old issues and reliving whatever internal drama they caused. I am simply (maybe its not simple) addressing them, taking these thoughts and emotions into captivity, and submitting them to God to have and to keep. I ain't got that kinda time to be fighting with the enemy about how ima feel when someone just doesn't feel like giving me their time (and I'm such a quality time person)...I'm giving this battle to my Father. After all, He does say cast our cares upon Him right? Right. (1 Peter 5:7)

And that's that on that!


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So as the summer is coming to an end I am reflecting and I can not help but say THANK YOU GOD for an amazing adventure this summer. I have really been through a quiet emotional storm, and am coming out victorious.

I have made some great friends. Three of which you hear about all the time;

Sabrina: Hilarious, crazy, honest, and pure energy. I love this chick. There are very few people I can simply chill with, you know, without having like a list of activities to do or a plan. And she writes like she ought to have folks beggin for her songs. One day they will.

Melissa: Chill, down to earth, logical, and undercover hilarious. See the thing about Melissa is she be funny on the sly. You gotta pay attention cuz she will make and hilarious comment or give a face that will make you laugh till your side hurts. I'm tellin you, pay attention. Melissa always calls me holy, but this girl is deep when she wanna be. Don't tell her I said this, but I'm just sayin, she has God's heart.

Sophie: Talented, gorgeous, passionate...and RANDOM. You know, Sophie is the third Haitian that I've known, and they are all crazy loud. LOL Like when they want you to hear what they sayin, you GON hear it. She is absolutely gorgeous, with or without make-up. And her voice will slay you on the spot so be prepared. I trust very few people (for reasons of my own), but Sophie is one that I trust. Recently I've discovered her random side. Like she will say somethin and I'll be like..."where the HECK did that come from?" But I can't talk wit my random self. So anyway, I love ya Ma Sophie.

I will miss them all when I start school cuz I'll have to work on my non-school days, and I can't chill with them like I used to. It kinda makes me sad. I'm glad we got to hang so tight this summer. God has unexpectedly blessed me with each of them. One of them is moving away for an extended period of time and I am sooo happy for her, but I just wanna cry!!! Ahhhh....I'll miss you!

Not only has God blessed me with great new friends, but my relationships with a couple of my old ones have gotten stronger. I thought that when I graduated I would still keep in touch with everyone, especially since I don't live that far away. Nope. God showed me some people that will stay, and some people that will go. And I love that when I put relationships in God's hand He takes care of them.

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So this summer I been working two jobs. I work at a crazy nice hotel, and then I picked up a part-time receptionist position at a counseling office. Well, it hasn't really been part-time, I basically pick up hours when people need time off, so sometimes I get hours, sometimes I don't. This has been really hard because my bills come ON time every month whether I get hours or not. So I been praying and I'm still praying to God for direction and provision. He always provides. In fact, God be coming up with some crazy ways to provide for me, so I ain't got no choice BUT to believe it's God. Never have I lacked a thing. Never has my phone been cut off. Never have I been hungry. Never have I not been able to pay my rent. And all this ain't because I just be having money, it's because God provides. SO, I knew that when school started back I wouldn't be able to work as much, and my inward flow of money would be decreasing. Well a lady at the counseling office wanted to offer me the full time position, but I can't take it because of my school schedule so I was like...DANG MAN. Well I just ask her to inconvenience the entire counseling staff by working around my school schedule as to when I could be at the office. Now remember, I ain't got no kind of advanced degree, I'm just a receptionist, but God bless this lady who was willing to work it out so that I could work at my desired location during my desired hours. God is amazing.

Hold up...I'm not finished. I'm going to Jamaica in like 35 hours!! I am keeping a journal (which I am actually planning on giving to someone who was not able to go) so I'll be able to update you when I get back. I promise to take a ton of pictures and not forget anything!! I love that God has no boundaries, geographically or otherwise.

I'm still going. I have been receiving e-mail from a lady who is perhaps offering me an amazing job doing exactly what I want to do. Encourage underprivileged high school students to pursue education. I would have to move for the job...I mean REALLY REALLY move, but I'm willing to do so. Pray for me, in that I receive clear direction from God and am not moving and making decisions on my own. I will probably have to take time out of grad school (but maybe not), but like I said earlier, God will move you to where ever He needs you to be in order that you become who He wants you to become. Bump your comfort zone. The move seems nearly impossible as of right now simply because of expenses, but y'all, if God wants me there I ain't worried about money. My daddy got me.

Do you ever just KNOW that you need to see things differently?


I just love how God is showing me more of Himself in everything around me. It makes me want to cry when I think about how He loves me so much that He puts His hand in everything dealing with me if I only let Him. My prayer is that I am strong and wise enough to give myself completely to God so that He can do what He wants to do. I know that when I get to this point, I will see everything differently. Never again will I worry about an unpaid bill or an unanswered phone call. I will see myself differently.


I will see God differently.

~Jeli~