Peace Like A River

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier about...well, it's hard to say. She was just saying how sometimes she feels like she's not existing. I think I've been struggling with that as well. And then I remember that all things are working for my good. Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions and quoting things like Romans 8:28 help me get through the day a little better, but tomorrow will be just another day in which I have to find a scripture or something to lift my blue spirit.

Sometimes it's like I'm suspended in mid-air, waiting.

...Waiting for something to happen.

...Waiting for something to change.

...Waiting to know what to do next.

But while waiting I've got to be sure my time is not idle. Waiting does not meaning wasting. I have to remember to grow in my times of waiting. It is then when I realize that this waiting is so essential to becoming. I look around and realize that I have to take advantage of this time when things are not moving so fast. This is the time for development. And you know, I'm thankful for this time. Instead of being thrown into a the middle of the life, I'm given this time to prepare, so that when change happens, its a time of grace and peace.

~Peace Like A River

I finally got a chance to catch up with an undergraduate advisor of mine; Mimi. It was so good just being able to sit and talk with her. I've missed her sooo much. While I was in undergrad Mimi was such an influence. She was extremely strict and loving at the same time. Although she could be quite blunt and direct with me, at the same time I just knew that she was teaching me. She was trying to give me wisdom in increments I could handle. And when I paid her a visit I realized that she did just that. If there was one person who influenced me the most over the past 3 years, it was Mimi. Her grace and wisdom gave me such an model to look at. Even now after graduation I can just go to her office, sit across from her, and share my heart. And it's almost like she sees past what I am saying. She does not get caught up in the emotion of a situation. God has given me such favor through Mimi; kind and gentle wisdom

~Peace Like A River

This blog has actually been in the works for like 4 days. I started it and then just stopped to do other things, so at this moment I am picking it up. Thanksgiving was great. I decided to take and entire week off of work and reLAX. And I did just that. I slept in nearly every day. I went to bed whenever I felt like it. I watched a lot of tv. I ate a lot. The best thing: I spent time with my friends and family.

Thanksgiving day I chilled with my mom. She cooked, I ate..lol. I just hung with her a talked a bit. She has been goin through a hard time so it was nice to just sit next to her for no real reason except just to be there. Well after a couple of hours mommy dearest went into retreat mode, so I left. I'll have to explain more about this in a later blog. All I'm saying now is that I am believing God for yet another miracle. And I truly do believe!

~Peace Like A River

I spent the rest of Thanksgiving (well, Thanksgiving Day, the day before, and the day after) with my buds Sophie, Sabrina, AJ, and LaTricia. It's amazing how God will place the right people in your life at the right time and for the right amount of time. God shows His favor to me through people and I love it. We didn't do much. Chilled. Watched a Beyonce DVD like 40 times. Threw in a little Cece and Tonex. Ate. I guess we just enjoyed each others company since we didn't go home.

I read this book while I was over there front to back and it was just about Heaven. It was about what it would look like, who would be there, how one would feel upon arrival. Just all this stuff and of course no one can really know Heaven in its entirety until ya get there, but this painted a pretty picture. The book was pretty good but it was really the message behind the book that spoke to me:

We go through all this stuff here on earth. We struggle to pay our bills. We struggle to maintain relationships. We struggle to achieve our academic and professional goals. And I just thought, after all this, Anjelica, how much do you struggle to know God? Now, no get it twisted. I do love God and I do want to know Him more tomorrow than I do today. My recent prayer has been to increase my desire for Him. And without my knowledge, God began to do that the moment I spoke it. Of course we desire God. Who wouldn't want to know someone so great and mighty?! But when I prayed that prayer for an increased desire, I was praying from a different kind of place. I want to WANT God more than I want my next breath. I want to WANT God more than I want anything else in this world. I want to WANT God more than I want His blessings and benefits.

I was made in such a way that I am fulfilled by relationships. Things are nice and pretty and shiny...whatever. Things are great. But it's not things that touch me, it's time. It's the giving of something that you can't ever get back. And I was just asking God why in the WORLD would you make me like that?! Seriously, cuz I could really just turn out to be a really annoying, nagging, time consuming person ya know? Then He said..."YOU were meant to give of yourself what YOU can never get back. YOUR time. YOUR love. YOUR heart. And I will fulfill that need that I created in you. And you can continue to give of yourself as I continue give you Myself."

I was made to want God sooo much that I can't stand it if I don't have Him. I can't function. I'm not happy. I can't communicate. I can't chill out. I just can't without Him. He made me that way. And so when I prayed for an increased desire for Him I was simply coming into agreement with Him. So these days things are great. Relationships are great. But the one thing I desire most is communion with God. My desire for Him has increased so, and so my capacity for Him has also increased as a result. You cannot completely receive what you do not completely want. I cannot wait for God to reveal more and more of Himself to me, and I to Him. This was my prayer.

~Peace Like A River

A Somewhat Cloudy November 11, 2009

Ok...I'm stressed.

Like fa real...stressed. Why you might ask?

I haven't been home in nearly two years, so I planned a trip this month. Well financially, I cannot afford to go home. I mean, I was gonna hop in my truck and make the 10 hour drive to see my grandmother for 2 or 3 short days, and drive right back. And from the looks of things, that's not going to happen.

I'm talking to God like..."ok, i'm confused. There should be no reason I can't afford to take a week off of work to go home!!!"

So there's that. And now I have to sign a paper saying I am taking out a loan for $8000 for ONE semester. Great. I can't wait until I have to pay THAT back. You know how crazy this is making me right now. I had a dream that I owed $65,000 to suntrust for school loans. No joke.

So on top of that, I did something really stupid. About a year ago I had a close family member that was in a horrible situation. They needed a co-signer and I was like..."ohhh of course. You're fam" STUPID. Yup, that's right. I'm getting calls from this loan company now. Wonderful. But at the time, I could easily afford their payment PLUS all of my stuff, so I was cool.

Oh yea, my job is trippin wit me too. I was seriously .4 seconds away from walking out the door today and quitting. Long story short, they thought it was okay to give my scheduled hours away to someone else. I tried to be calm about it, but Renee came out. I called, txtd, and sent a "nice" email to my manager that said something along the lines of..."if there is a reason my hours were given away I need to be told, otherwise you might as well give them all away." Well, they gave me my hours back and apologized.

You know what? God has to be setting me up for something spectacular because as of right now, I have a credit card bill, an electricity bill, a cable bill, and a phone bill (all of which are overdue) to pay, and with no $$ in my pocket, that seems pretty impossible right now.

I'm def frustrated. I have never REALLY been broke. But as of lately, things have gotten ridiculous. I mean seriously, I go to school full time and work like 50+ hours a week. I GOT to be doin something wrong! Frustration is the word.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I keep thinking..."God, you have ALWAYS provided for me in some way. ALWAYS. Most of the time very unexpected ways, but right now, I'm thinking to myself...*sigh*. Yup I don't even have words.. Just *sigh* Something real crazy happened to me the other day and I was like...God is sooo setting me up here. And then today I'm like...maybe not. Maybe there is no set up. Maybe I just need to get back to reality, work, and pay my bills. Maybe I just won't get to go home. Maybe this season in life just sucks. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should take a break from school. Maybe I just need to get my mind right.

So chances are there has GOT to be at least a few good things going for me right? Well...I got 102 on my Pathology test. I seem to be handling this grad school thing pretty well. Umm...I'm working a lot with my church, which is great. I get to talk to women who are like twice my age (at least) about their views on life. Very interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Umm...I'm writing a lot with a couple friends. I've had a special "someone" in life for a few months now. I'm out of shape and don't really care ;)

God I know You do the impossible. I've SEEN You do the impossible. I've seen you do the impossible for ME. I know you are bigger than any problem I have or could think up. So right now I am going on record to say I believe that you will take care of my every need. I am your child and your children are never forsaken. You have spoken to me promises that I can't forget. You have proven Yourself time and time again. You have never failed. You are perfect in every way possible. You uphold me and because of you I have gotten this far. So I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to continue my education for an advanced degree. I thank you for my apartment. I thank you for just supplying everything I need. My help does not come from my job, but it comes from you. So right now I give you glory for everything that you have in store. And Father if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped, I thank you because You are God, and no matter what it looks like...all things are working for my good. You are God, and you are a good God.

~After my Father's heart~

Great Is Your Mercy

Well hellooooo

It is super early in the morning, the sun is shining, and today looks like its gonna be a great day!!

Lets see...this week-end was awesome! I went to Memphis to chill with my friends Larry and Amber. We didn't do too much. A LOT of eating, some mall hopping and music sharing. I LOVE being able to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. I saw Tye Tribbett live and it was A-MAZ-ING!! #1. This concert was 4 1/2 hours long. Yes folks. We did not get out until 11:27pm, but it was worth every minute. #2. I have such a respect for the man. Mostly because although he is super hype and gets the crowd up, he will PREACH YOU DOWN! He did ALL of my fav songs...and I do mean ALL of them. But he also cut out a few of his new ones to talk to the youth, and everyone else there for that matter. He seriously brought a Word from the LORD that I am still reflecting on. He was less concerned with what he looked like and even how many songs he got to perform, and more concerned with the people leaving with their spirit filled with what God had spoken to him. His songs are filled with lyrics that can reach a generation. He speaks on issues that are not popular to speak on because they are guaranteed to rub people the wrong way. I love to see people who are serious about God's business. Now I don't know the man personally. I've meet him a couple times, and I know that he is anointed, and he is doing to work of the Lord.

Speaking of people who are serious about God's business...I'm sooo glad I drove back from Memphis for church yesterday. SOOOO glad. Pastor talked about the condition of the heart, which of course entails quite a bit, and I'm still meditating on a lot of it. He talked about how we can NOT walk around holding crap against people and how we can NOT walk around after we've offended someone and act like nothing ever transpired. Basically it was get right before the Lord message and as a friend described it to me...."it hurt so good." What was so funny is that my friend Amber and I spent hours talking about just that on the way to and from Memphis. This week-end was full of confirmation and grace. Thank you Father!!

So I left for Memphis Saturday morning, hung out all day, went to see Tye that night, and drove back to Nashville Sunday morning so I could make it to church. AFTER which I helped my mother move. I did NOT feel like helping her and was real tempted to get an attitude. BUT...I'm being careful to not grow weary in well doing. After all, my week-end had been excellent up until that point, so I had a decision to make. Let this thing that I don't feel like doing get the best of me, or get I could get the best of it. After all that I was planning on going home and going to bed. NOPE. I was on the phone for like 3 hours! ugh...and I don't even like talking on the phone. lol And now its super early, and I'm at work, BUT its ok because today is great :)


*A spirit of weariness will ALWAYS try to attach itself to you when you are doing well*



So for the past two months or so I have not been happy. And I'm a happy girl. I'm usually giddy for no specific reason, and over the past several weeks I have not been feeling like that. I KNEW something was wrong. I was tired and just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I blamed part of it on my environment, which was wrong of me. I can't control my environment or the people in it but I have a choice of how I respond to things. My perspective needed to be changed and my spirit needed a serious refreshing, and over the last two weeks my perspective has def been changing and my spirit is new. I missed that happy-go-lucky Anjelica. I'm not being self centered or anything, but I missed me, and I had allowed that part of me to be buried by circumstances. I had no right to allow ANYTHING to steal my smile, and I did. So for the Father, forgive me. BUT today...today I feel as if the purpose for all this spiritual warfare has been revealed. I have a new view of my life and of God. God has not given me the right to do anything but live a life that glorifies Him, and frowning all the time def does not. The bible says to MAKE a joyful noise. It does not say "be led" to make a joyful noise, or to make a joyful noise when you feel like it. It simply says to MAKE a joyful noise. This infers that we must decide to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. We have to make our mouths open in praises to God. We have to make nice with those around us. We have to DECIDE to give God glory in spite of. And I have decided. Happy for no reason Anjelica is back. Devil, get out the freakin way!!

Thank you God for your patience, your grace, and your mercy. Your patience has allowed me to go through the process of obtaining a better understanding of who You are. You grace has supplied me with all that I need while going through this process. Your mercy has held back the consequences of not being who you have called me to be. Jehovah, none is greater than You, and I will spend my life showing the world how glorious You are.

So Thankful,

~Jel~