A Somewhat Cloudy November 11, 2009

Ok...I'm stressed.

Like fa real...stressed. Why you might ask?

I haven't been home in nearly two years, so I planned a trip this month. Well financially, I cannot afford to go home. I mean, I was gonna hop in my truck and make the 10 hour drive to see my grandmother for 2 or 3 short days, and drive right back. And from the looks of things, that's not going to happen.

I'm talking to God like..."ok, i'm confused. There should be no reason I can't afford to take a week off of work to go home!!!"

So there's that. And now I have to sign a paper saying I am taking out a loan for $8000 for ONE semester. Great. I can't wait until I have to pay THAT back. You know how crazy this is making me right now. I had a dream that I owed $65,000 to suntrust for school loans. No joke.

So on top of that, I did something really stupid. About a year ago I had a close family member that was in a horrible situation. They needed a co-signer and I was like..."ohhh of course. You're fam" STUPID. Yup, that's right. I'm getting calls from this loan company now. Wonderful. But at the time, I could easily afford their payment PLUS all of my stuff, so I was cool.

Oh yea, my job is trippin wit me too. I was seriously .4 seconds away from walking out the door today and quitting. Long story short, they thought it was okay to give my scheduled hours away to someone else. I tried to be calm about it, but Renee came out. I called, txtd, and sent a "nice" email to my manager that said something along the lines of..."if there is a reason my hours were given away I need to be told, otherwise you might as well give them all away." Well, they gave me my hours back and apologized.

You know what? God has to be setting me up for something spectacular because as of right now, I have a credit card bill, an electricity bill, a cable bill, and a phone bill (all of which are overdue) to pay, and with no $$ in my pocket, that seems pretty impossible right now.

I'm def frustrated. I have never REALLY been broke. But as of lately, things have gotten ridiculous. I mean seriously, I go to school full time and work like 50+ hours a week. I GOT to be doin something wrong! Frustration is the word.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I keep thinking..."God, you have ALWAYS provided for me in some way. ALWAYS. Most of the time very unexpected ways, but right now, I'm thinking to myself...*sigh*. Yup I don't even have words.. Just *sigh* Something real crazy happened to me the other day and I was like...God is sooo setting me up here. And then today I'm like...maybe not. Maybe there is no set up. Maybe I just need to get back to reality, work, and pay my bills. Maybe I just won't get to go home. Maybe this season in life just sucks. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should take a break from school. Maybe I just need to get my mind right.

So chances are there has GOT to be at least a few good things going for me right? Well...I got 102 on my Pathology test. I seem to be handling this grad school thing pretty well. Umm...I'm working a lot with my church, which is great. I get to talk to women who are like twice my age (at least) about their views on life. Very interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Umm...I'm writing a lot with a couple friends. I've had a special "someone" in life for a few months now. I'm out of shape and don't really care ;)

God I know You do the impossible. I've SEEN You do the impossible. I've seen you do the impossible for ME. I know you are bigger than any problem I have or could think up. So right now I am going on record to say I believe that you will take care of my every need. I am your child and your children are never forsaken. You have spoken to me promises that I can't forget. You have proven Yourself time and time again. You have never failed. You are perfect in every way possible. You uphold me and because of you I have gotten this far. So I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to continue my education for an advanced degree. I thank you for my apartment. I thank you for just supplying everything I need. My help does not come from my job, but it comes from you. So right now I give you glory for everything that you have in store. And Father if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped, I thank you because You are God, and no matter what it looks like...all things are working for my good. You are God, and you are a good God.

~After my Father's heart~