Open The Eyes of My Heart

Do you ever just KNOW that you need to see things differently?

So yesterday I get a letter in the mail from my grandmother. A freakin HANDwritten letter talkin about like..."I love you and I don't really want you to go to Jamaica (yes, she is still on that) but God will care for you" and all that. Ok folks, although for the past few months my family has really be tryin me. They didn't come for my graduation, now they mad cuz I ain't been home, they haven't even sent me money man!! But when I got that letter you know what? All I could think was...I miss my grandma so much. I miss her so bad I want to cry. I spent so much time being mad because she didn't agree with my decisions I forgot how much I miss and love her. I been working so hard on myself lately, trying to be righteous and all that, trying to be stronger in faith...but LOVE is the greatest thing there is. We should be so busy loving each other that we ain't the time to hate or bicker or dislike. (1 Corinthians 13:13) I will love like I will not see another tomorrow. I love my grandmother. I love my family. I love my friends. I love you!!! And you and you and you...not you...and you! LOL

Alright, so I mentioned earlier that I have been working a lot on me. That's an understatement. I'm sure you can understand because as children of God we are always trying to be better, or at least we should be. So you may be wondering, "Anjelica, whats going on with you that you gotta be workin so hard to fix?" First of all let me say, I cannot fix anything in my own power. Healing and correction comes from God and it is through Him that I have been able to see who I am, who I am not, and how I can become who He wants me to be.

Sidenote: Do y'all ever get tired of me talking about God in my blogs?? Well get over it, cuz I just can't help it

Ok, back on track. I'm rambling right now because I've never really talked publicly about what I'm about to say. And I know that plenty of people deal with the same things and ain't nothin under the sun really new, sooo....I am allowing God to heal me of this spirit of rejection (I can't believe I just said that). I am not outwardly sensitive (I don't think, I could be wrong) but I have a real issue with rejection. Par exemple...if I call you and don't receive a call back for like, say 3 days. During those 3 days I'll be like...what the hell?! #1. Why are you not calling me back? #2. What did I do to make you not want to call me back? #3. Fine, I just won't call you anymore. #4. Then I'll get kinda sad because I have resolved to not talk with you. Now people, tell me this is not extremely compulsive! My mind will keep going for NO good reason, just because I haven't heard from you. So as of lately God has been instructing me that each time I start to feel like this I immediately ask God to give me peace and take away this feeling, cuz its CRAZY!! Well, He didn't say crazy, those are my words, but it is.

Frankly, I have been having these feelings less and less and I address them and hand them over to God more and more, but still, they will arise. I just wanna know where the heck did they come from?! Why are some people consumed with the need to be loved and accepted and driven by fear of rejection, and others don't give a #$#*? I have had 2 crazy, traumatic, and ongoing events in my life to which I could probably trace this issue of rejection back to, but you know what? I don't feel like it. I don't feel like bringing up old issues and reliving whatever internal drama they caused. I am simply (maybe its not simple) addressing them, taking these thoughts and emotions into captivity, and submitting them to God to have and to keep. I ain't got that kinda time to be fighting with the enemy about how ima feel when someone just doesn't feel like giving me their time (and I'm such a quality time person)...I'm giving this battle to my Father. After all, He does say cast our cares upon Him right? Right. (1 Peter 5:7)

And that's that on that!


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So as the summer is coming to an end I am reflecting and I can not help but say THANK YOU GOD for an amazing adventure this summer. I have really been through a quiet emotional storm, and am coming out victorious.

I have made some great friends. Three of which you hear about all the time;

Sabrina: Hilarious, crazy, honest, and pure energy. I love this chick. There are very few people I can simply chill with, you know, without having like a list of activities to do or a plan. And she writes like she ought to have folks beggin for her songs. One day they will.

Melissa: Chill, down to earth, logical, and undercover hilarious. See the thing about Melissa is she be funny on the sly. You gotta pay attention cuz she will make and hilarious comment or give a face that will make you laugh till your side hurts. I'm tellin you, pay attention. Melissa always calls me holy, but this girl is deep when she wanna be. Don't tell her I said this, but I'm just sayin, she has God's heart.

Sophie: Talented, gorgeous, passionate...and RANDOM. You know, Sophie is the third Haitian that I've known, and they are all crazy loud. LOL Like when they want you to hear what they sayin, you GON hear it. She is absolutely gorgeous, with or without make-up. And her voice will slay you on the spot so be prepared. I trust very few people (for reasons of my own), but Sophie is one that I trust. Recently I've discovered her random side. Like she will say somethin and I'll be like..."where the HECK did that come from?" But I can't talk wit my random self. So anyway, I love ya Ma Sophie.

I will miss them all when I start school cuz I'll have to work on my non-school days, and I can't chill with them like I used to. It kinda makes me sad. I'm glad we got to hang so tight this summer. God has unexpectedly blessed me with each of them. One of them is moving away for an extended period of time and I am sooo happy for her, but I just wanna cry!!! Ahhhh....I'll miss you!

Not only has God blessed me with great new friends, but my relationships with a couple of my old ones have gotten stronger. I thought that when I graduated I would still keep in touch with everyone, especially since I don't live that far away. Nope. God showed me some people that will stay, and some people that will go. And I love that when I put relationships in God's hand He takes care of them.

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So this summer I been working two jobs. I work at a crazy nice hotel, and then I picked up a part-time receptionist position at a counseling office. Well, it hasn't really been part-time, I basically pick up hours when people need time off, so sometimes I get hours, sometimes I don't. This has been really hard because my bills come ON time every month whether I get hours or not. So I been praying and I'm still praying to God for direction and provision. He always provides. In fact, God be coming up with some crazy ways to provide for me, so I ain't got no choice BUT to believe it's God. Never have I lacked a thing. Never has my phone been cut off. Never have I been hungry. Never have I not been able to pay my rent. And all this ain't because I just be having money, it's because God provides. SO, I knew that when school started back I wouldn't be able to work as much, and my inward flow of money would be decreasing. Well a lady at the counseling office wanted to offer me the full time position, but I can't take it because of my school schedule so I was like...DANG MAN. Well I just ask her to inconvenience the entire counseling staff by working around my school schedule as to when I could be at the office. Now remember, I ain't got no kind of advanced degree, I'm just a receptionist, but God bless this lady who was willing to work it out so that I could work at my desired location during my desired hours. God is amazing.

Hold up...I'm not finished. I'm going to Jamaica in like 35 hours!! I am keeping a journal (which I am actually planning on giving to someone who was not able to go) so I'll be able to update you when I get back. I promise to take a ton of pictures and not forget anything!! I love that God has no boundaries, geographically or otherwise.

I'm still going. I have been receiving e-mail from a lady who is perhaps offering me an amazing job doing exactly what I want to do. Encourage underprivileged high school students to pursue education. I would have to move for the job...I mean REALLY REALLY move, but I'm willing to do so. Pray for me, in that I receive clear direction from God and am not moving and making decisions on my own. I will probably have to take time out of grad school (but maybe not), but like I said earlier, God will move you to where ever He needs you to be in order that you become who He wants you to become. Bump your comfort zone. The move seems nearly impossible as of right now simply because of expenses, but y'all, if God wants me there I ain't worried about money. My daddy got me.

Do you ever just KNOW that you need to see things differently?


I just love how God is showing me more of Himself in everything around me. It makes me want to cry when I think about how He loves me so much that He puts His hand in everything dealing with me if I only let Him. My prayer is that I am strong and wise enough to give myself completely to God so that He can do what He wants to do. I know that when I get to this point, I will see everything differently. Never again will I worry about an unpaid bill or an unanswered phone call. I will see myself differently.


I will see God differently.

~Jeli~

I ain't wrote a blog in 9 days...

Wheeeww. I've got only a few more days left until Jamaica and I'm sooo freakin excited. Lemme explain to you why;

1. I won't be here

2. I get to work at a kids camp

3. I get to play worship music on my guitar

4. I'm staying with a Jamaican family instead of some hotel

5. I'm going with some GREAT people

6. I bought a yellow guitar strap, and I can't wait to walk around with my afro and my guitar my back

7. I'm going for the purpose of talking about how amazing God is

8. It's gon be so hot that I won't be complainin about how hot TN is

9. I'm believing to come back changed

10. I make great connections with new people and get closer to those with whom I'm going

#1. I won't be here

-Ok, it's not that I don't absolutely LOVE TN because I do. I really love it here. I love the people. I love my church. I love my apartment. I love my roomie. I love my friends. I love being in a band. But the thing is, sometimes I want for something more...not more, just different. It's not that I'm ungrateful for my current state 0r anything, but sometimes I just get restless. Restless to see new places and talk to new people. I'm meant to travel the world man.

#2. Kid's camp

-Kids are pretty awesome. But needless to say I prefer a certain type of kid. I love the kids that love to learn. Why? Because when they want to learn, they learn. I love wide eyed, curious, gettin into things they ain't got no business gettin into kids. A child is only limited by it's environment. You know what kinda kids I can't stand? (Is it bad to say I can't stand a certain type of kid? oh well...gotta tell the truth) I hate it when kids don't want to learn. It's soooo frustrating. I've spent a lot of time working with trouble adolescents, and it's like hitting my head up against a brick wall. Kids have no idea how valuable they are...and I want to let them know.

#3. Worship music

-HECK YES!! This is what I'm most excited about. Sis Kitty was tellin me about how we'll probably just end up playin at different services, and playin outside under the only street light

worshipping til who knows when. I can't believe God has given me the chance to do this. Thank you God!!! I'd rather worship more than anything else, and He is placing in position to do that in a new place. I know Hes gonna move greatly!

#4. Ummm....not much to say here. Hotels are boring in other countries. Let's dive into the culture.

#5. I'm going with some of the people I love the most

- I'm going with some of the people I know the least. But they all love God...THAT is why they're going. That is why I'm going. And so because of this I KNOW that we are going to work great together.

#6. Afro and guitar
-So this may seem shallow to all of you deep people. But is it NOT the coolest thing to walk around with a guitar on your back? And to add to that, put an afro in the mix and you can't tell me nothin! LMBO.

I've only done 6 but now I feel like I'm typing a paper, so 6 is all I'm gon do.

On another random note: My friend from back home (Iowa) is moving to TN. I haven't seen this boy in like 4 years and then he out the blue called me one day and there is it. He's going to grad here which is super cool because he was in Texas which in my opinion is super lame. We're suppose to meet up next week-end which is a crazy week-end for me already, but I HAVE to make the time to see him. We hung tight back in the day and he is crazy funny. Ima be so tired that Ima need a laugh. See you next week-end Malcolm.

On yet another random note: Another friend of mine told me that I have a lot of guy friends, which is true, but it was the tone. You know what I'm talkin about when I say tone? And frankly, I think it's cool to have guys friends. I only have like 6 super good male friends...now it that really a lot? Noooo. Wait, lemme count..yup around 6. But back in the day I didn't really chill with females. Not that I couldn't get along with them, but girls can try your nerves man! Since then I've made some really good girl friends, and kept some really good guy friends.

*BTW I'm really standing here eating somebody's candy like it's mine. Hey, a co-worker left it so....what can ya do?

Songwriting...

Let me say, this is something that can sometimes come easy and sometimes not. I've been doin it more and more lately. And I'm getting better at it. It's really testing my guitar skills, which is good. I write a lot for Blu21, but we gotta get our current songs down plus some basic worship songs before putting some new ones in the mix. So I'm now writing for...idk. Maybe some gazillionaire will hear it and be like..."OMG, I need THAT song. I need YOUR song." And I'll be like "well this song is very close to me. I don't know if there any amount for which I could sell it." And then they'd be like "how bout $XXXXX" and then I'll be like "Ok. Me and that song wasn't all that close." And then I'll be rich...and that'll be that. So until that day...I keep writing and singing and playin the strangs...lol Oh yea, and goin to school

Oh dang...one more thing...Blu21 got another gig. In Columbia TN. We said that we were just gonna do some worship songs...and I can't wait.

Ok...one more thing. Does God ever place someone in your spirit and you KNOW He wants you to pray for them. I can sometimes find this frustrating. My prayer life has really developed as of lately (in the last year). At time...I would wake up every hour on the hour because God wants my time. I am an intercessor. And in order to be effective He requires my time...so the more time I'd give Him during my day the more He's wake me up at night. And I'm like...ok, alright now. Really? Yes. Really. So today God has really dropped someone in my spirit to pray for and it's not one of those like...5 minute prayers and then it's done. For instance, God led me to pray for someone everyday for nearly a month, and then one day, I didn't have to anymore. God had lifted that from me. And I was happy because I pleased God. So now I'm being led to pray for someone else. So pray for me...and my discipline.

Just Like The Water...

New mercies everyday man!!

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the fact that #1. I have no money #2. I still have like a million years left of school to finish #3. I'm in some crazy debt #4. I don't really get along all that well with my family #5. All I really wanna do is play with BLU21 but because of this thing called responsibility, I have to work some job to pay bills #6. I don't have a boyfriend (lol)...
I could keep going, but I won't. There's no point

So I know you're like what the heck is this girl talking about?? I'm talking about the fact that I have to constantly renew my mind, and revisit the simple fact that God is still good man! He is so freakin awesome, and there is nothing that can occur that can change that.
I can talk all day about how good He is, how great He's been, and how He promises to always be there for me...but I can also show you;

Well after 4 years of stress because I did way too much in college (good and bad) I graduated!!! Thank you Jesus!

Simple: It coulda been me

I have friends to act a fool with! Who could ask for more?!

Did you know you could be adopted at the age of 21??

True Friends

BLU21!!! Nuff said

I have sisters with whom I can be myself

Basically folks, God has blessed me too much for me to be trippin over some trivial stuff. Nope, I am not ballin like the rest. Nope, I'm not pullin in a 6 fig. salary. Nope, I don't have my own personal hair and make-up artist (soon Lord :) But you know what? I have God every single day of my life, and He has me. He wakes me up everyday to something new. So although I may feel like I'm going in circles, God sees far down the road, and because of this I don't have to worry about tomorrow. Everyday He gives me a greater sense of love. Everyday I am secure because I know who He is!! So bump all that other stuff, I have the Creator of the Universe on my side fighting for my life.

What else can one want or need?

Melting down the walls of inhibition

Evaporating all of my fears

Baptizing me into complete submission

Dissolving my condition with his tears

Just like the water...

Life is good man!

Let's see here...(don't I always start my blogs out with words like "sooo..." or "let's see"? You'd think with formal education I'd do better ;)

I went to Six Flags in ATL. Let me tell you, I've been trying to work this little trip into my schedule for like 3 years...no joke. And it NEVA happened. Something would always come up like...we're too busy, too broke, too hot to move. Ya know...basically it just never came to pass. Well ladies and gents, I FINALLY went with my girls Stix, Lola, and Sabrina. I had a b-last. We stayed at the W and got first class treatment (they had apples and strawberries and crap for us in the morning cuz we were on the top floor man!) We went swimming, we walked up in somebodies party for a minute, I tripped over this FREAKIN branch piece of crap!! And my leg is STILL scratched up. Good thing it takes a lot for me to get embarrassed, cuz that could have been one of those moments that one hates to remember.

It was so friggin hot man...like I was sweatin so bad, but that's ok, it was all good. We went on some pretty awesome rides. This one right called the Batman right...why was I scared to ride? Man I was so scared. We were in line and all of a sudden I realized that we were in the line to sit in the front! THE FRONT!! HECK NO!! I was like...how did we get here. Stix and Lola were so excited. Sabrina and I was like...nope. So we boarded/got on the Batman, then God's mighty hand took control. ;) For some unexplainable reason, the people told us to get off, and I didn't understand why. But how many of you know that when God moves, you ain't got to know why LMBO!! Anyway, we got on the next one and sat on the second row. Thank ya Jesus. Yup Yup. Thank ya Jesus.

The worst part was we pretty much waited in line the majority of the time. Next time we know...pay an extra $20 and get the fast pass, cuz lines are NOT the business!

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That Sunday they had a special graduation service for all of the graduates...I loved it. Now mind you, we didn't get up outta there til like 3, but I truly appreciated it. The ministers took the time to anoint the feet of EVERY graduate, and they gave us this BIG ole Bible. And the concordance in that Bible?...off the chain. Man, you could look up "cloud" and get all kinds of scriptures. That's some serious word. I may have actually enjoyed this graduation more than the original graduation ceremony at MTSU. I was going through all kinds of stuff at the time, which took precedence over the joy of the occasion. This time around I was grateful. At one point I was kneeling at the alter and just cried because God has shown me such favor, mercy, and grace. I was overwhelmed as God showed me how He kept me. Overwhelmed and grateful was Anjelica on that day.

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I've still been chillin with SMS (Sophie, Melissa, Sabrina) on the regular. I'm tellin you, they need their own reality show. These people are the funniest, sweetest, most energetic, most God lovingest people ever! I love them. They are each others sisters, and I love that.

OH YEA!!

So Sabrina and Melissa have received favor from God man. It's not mine to tell, but I am so happy for them. They love God. They love each other. They love others. And it blesses my soul to see them rewarded for their diligence.

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I saw Stix in a skirt!! Can you believe it, and it was sooo cute. My little Jessica in a skirt. Mind you, it WAS a short rock star skirt, but a skirt none the less. LOL She looked pretty freakin rock star in it too. Go Stix!!

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I am more excited than ever for my trip to Jamaica. I was talking with Sister Kitty and she was telling us about the different ministry opportunities that we will have and I cannot wait. I can't wait to sit outside with bugs flying around in the heat, sweating, playing my guitar, and worshipping God. I can not wait to talk to the kids about the Amazing God in us. I can't wait to hang out with the ladies my age and talk about everything girls my age talk about. I can't wait. I am so favored to be able to do this.

I truly believe that God is going to do some serious things through this mission trip. First of all, one's life, mind, and perspective always changes when introduced to a new culture. There is something about being taken out of your comfortable surroundings that humbles you. Secondly, God has really orchestrated some things so that I was made able to go, and I know that He is planning a harvest. He has been planting seeds in those going on this mission for a long time, and I believe that we will see a harvest. We will be used and emptied out, leaving everything God wanted us to leave there and taking back everything God wanted us to pick up. Changed, and transformed. We will realize the authority that a believer truly has.

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I haven't chilled with AJ much as of lately, which makes me sad. Hopefully in the future we'll get the change just hang more. On that thought, me and Stix haven't gotten the time to just chill either. My resolution is to make more time for my roomie. Ima fill you in on that success story later...

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Hmm...I'm writing a lot!! Like...a whole lot, and not for Blu21. I'm constantly thinking of Blu21 and our music and how it can be made better, but lately my writings have not been Blu21 centered. They are more personal. I'm writing a lot of journal entries to God about how I feel, about what I'm afraid of, about what pisses me off, about what I'm grateful for, about how much I need Him, about everything. It's so freeing to not have to speak a word, but write down everything that's inside of you. It can be frustrating as well. Sometimes I'll be writing and just get stuck...I have to really understand what's going on in my head in order to put it on paper and it make any kind of sense. It's also hard to write down everything in honesty, and then go back and read it!! I always cringe when I read old journal entries. A lot of those journal entries have turned into songs as well:

When I fall I wonder just what you think

Do you regret the day you saved me

I just wanna make you happy

I just wanna make you smile

I just wanna make you proud

That I'm your child

~untitled

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I have also decided to cancel my trip home. (This is the most RANDOM blog ever written!!! LOL) So I haven't been home in over a year. But it's so hard to go because #1. Time. #2. Money #3. Money. It's expensive to go to Iowa man!! And I wanted to see my family so bad, especially during graduation time that I bought a plane ticket for a family member, but for whatever reason it went unused. And now, they're upset because I can't make the trip home. Oh freakin well right?! I know I'm the one who relocated, but please don't get mad at me when you are making no effort. *I'm not goin off, just frustrated* So, I have no idea when I'll be going home, and honestly I'm not worried about it anymore. That's probably wrong on my part, but what do you want me to say? It's all quite unfortunate I know.

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I'm kinda hype for the 4th of July. I know that I'm going downtown to see some fiyaworks!! I had originally planned on going with some co-workers, but I'm having second thoughts cuz they're talking about going drinking before and stuff...and I don't think that's such a great idea for me, considering my track record with alcohol and summer nights...SO, my friend R.J. is coming up from AL, and I hope to just meet up with the clan and check out downtown.

R.J....hmmmm, he's pretty cool. Actually, I met him...you know what?! I'm not gonna tell you cuz you'll judge me. NO! I don't care if you judge me lol, I met him at the hotel I work at. Actually I met his dad way back in January and he's a professor or something and we ended up talking about school for forever. The next time he came into town he brought his son, R.J. So we struck up a conversation, and by the end of it, I had his number on the back of my boss' business card. LOL And we've pretty much been friends every since. A couple dates and some super long text message conversations later we're still cool. So I plan to introduce him to some of my friends (Stix has already met him) and have some fun times on the 4th of July.

Well I guess that's all for now.

~call me JEL~

Enoch

Genesis 5:20-24

When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died. When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.

I have my favorites in the bible. I love Joseph. I love Mary Magdalene. Actually, I identify more with Mary M. than any other person in the bible. I mean, think about it, she worshipped God beyond what others thought, she worshipped God through her pain and tears. She worshipped God beyond everything she felt, and gave EVERYTHING to him; washed His feet with her tears man! She brought everything to Him. And He forgave her not because she deserved it by what she had done, but because she surrendered everything, gave up everything, to worship. (Luke 7)

But, Enoch is the most fascinating person in the Bible to me. I wish there was more written about him. Just this short passage in Genesis, plus one in Hebrews: By faith, Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God (Hebrews 11:5), and a few of his wise words were revisited in Jude.

I read a book called the Secret Place (see earlier blog), and it introduced me to Enoch. He walked with God. I'm not talkin like...he spoke to God every once in a while, or even he sought Him often. This man WALKED with God. God knew Him, and he knew God. This man knew God so much that he didn't die like regular people (lol), God straight up took him so he would not experience death. He was so tight with God that he didn't even have to die, AFTER living 365 years on earth. Hebrews phrases Enoch's departure from this earth in such a way that I draw this magnificent mental picture:

Enoch was just walking with God, talking with God, and God was talking and walking with Enoch. They talked as they walked into the horizon full of brilliant colors like red and blue and yellow. Enoch had no idea where he was going, all that he knew is that he was with God, and God was with him, and he trusted God to lead him where ever they were going. They walked past streams and flowers that had beauty that could not be captured by photo or drawing, or even description. They walked into a horizon that led straight up to heaven, where Enoch is right now, STILL walking and talking with God.

What were his walks with God like?

Did he simply find a quiet place to sit and talk to God, and listen for His voice? Did God interrupt him during the day to chat? Did Enoch see God, as me or you might see one another? Could Enoch reach out and touch God? What did they talk about? What led Enoch to draw so close to God? What led God to choose Enoch to draw so close to? Which leads me to my next question...

Does not God desire to be this close with all of us?

And then to my next question...

Did Enoch miss anything here on earth?

When I think of what Enoch must have been like, I HAVE to smile. I believe that Enoch loved God so much, that if he never anything of this earth again, that would be ok, because all he wanted was to be with God. Most of us seek God for His revelations and power, and there is nothing wrong with that. God wants to reveal to us things from His well of revelation and give us power to do amazing things on this earth. But Enoch? I believe that he wanted past knowledge and revelation, He wanted God. He valued the things of God, but he wanted God himself. I'm positive God revealed things to Enoch about which others had no clue, but Enoch was not satisfied with just that knowledge, he wanted more. He wanted God. He wanted His face.

If I were given the opportunity by God to leave this earth today, right now, without notice to my friends or family, without a chance to perform with BLU21 in front of thousands of youth worshipping God, without walking across a stage to receive my doctorate, without saying "I do", without seeing the face of my first child, would I go? Would I give up everything on this earth for God? Yes, because even though God can bless me right now with my every desire and put me in a place where I would never want for anything, the answer is yes. I won't just have the things and physical manifestations of God, I'd have God.

I want to walk with God like Enoch walked with God, and by faith, be taken up with God.

I dream of one day walking with God as Enoch did. Just chillin with God, and loving Him so much and trusting Him so much that I just walked and walked, "and was with God, and was no more."

~Jel~

A Prayer for 6.25.09

Current mood: Real Mellow Yellow man

Current activity: doing what some people call "working"

You know what I love to do sometimes?? Write out my prayers. That could be seen as a bit weird, cuz like...it takes more time to formulate the phrases in your mind, and then write (or type) them, when you could have just whispered them to God in the first place. But I love to look back at old prayers. It's kinda like looking back at old journal entries; a bit embarrassing, but still intriguing. So anyway....

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Thank you God for making me smile. Looking back over just today, you have filled my day with mercy and blessings. To wake up and see the sun is mercy in itself. Thank you God that even though every single day I fall short of the mark you have placed in front of me, you are still patient and you continue to show me undeserved grace.

Thank you Father for the people you have put in my life. People that not only profess to love you, but actually live like they love you. Thank you for an amazing roommate, friend, and band member. I pray that you keep Stix and bless her with every desire of her heart. Continue to hold and keep Melissa, Sophie, Sabrina, Renee, AJ and Lola . I pray that you hold their enemies at bay, and that each day they continue to grow closer and closer to you. I pray that each of their dreams comes true as they keep exploring your will for their lives. Thank you for AJ's humble heart. Thank you for Sabrina's laughter. Thank you for Melissa's oh so funny facial expressions and groundedness (I think I just made that word up?). Thank you for Sophie's passion for the things of God and her smile. I thank you for Lola's discernment. Thank you for Whit-Whit. Thank you that there is nothing I cannot tell her. Thank you God that she knows my heart, the good and the not so good, and she sees me how you see me Father.

Lord I pray that tomorrow I will be closer to you than I am today. I pray God that I catch the revelations you are revealing to me. I pray that even above all the knowledge of the things of God that one could have, that my greatest desire is you. I pray that even when I sleep I think of you. I pray that even in moments of heartache and distress, and even when I'm straight up pissed off at the world, I STILL stop to think...My God, WWJD!

Father I pray that I hear what you are saying. I pray that I move when you tell me to move, and never before or after. I pray that I understand your perfect will for my life. Each decision I make, Father I will bring it to you first. I pray for patience to wait on your words. I know that if I simply follow the steps you have already laid for me, there is nothing that I cannot do.

Purify those hidden dark places Lord that I have yet to recognize. Lord bring to the surface everything that is not like you, so that I can be made aware, and bring it to you. Give me a heart like yours God, so I can love like you love, forgive like you forgive, and give like you give. Clean my hands of every impurity, so that I can do your work with a grateful and humble heart.

Forgive me of every moment that I acted without consulting you. Forgive of every time my actions did not reflect you. Forgive me of each instance that I did not direct any praise and glory right back to you, because you alone are deserving of it.

Thank you God that my prayers do not go unheard or unanswered.

All of these things I ask in Jesus' name,

Amen

Signed, Yours

Father's Day

Ya know...I don't think I have ever had a good Father's Day. Each year I dread Father's Day for two reasons. #1. People who really know my life are extra concerned and feel the need to check up on me. #2. I may need to be checked up on because this day can bring some crappy feelings my way.

Background: I don't know my father (thank God for Jesus and counseling).

When I moved away from home at 17 and came to college I had to make some major decisions. It was the 2nd Sunday in September 2005 when I decided that I was either going to give these feelings of rejection and self consciousness to God or I was going to simple live a life that full of e. I decided to give it all to God, but I didn't realize that I had to give it all and not just part of it.

Now let me say, over the past four years I have come to know God in a way that I never could have imagined. He has sustained me in every way. No matter what kind of impossible situation I was in (and I've had a few), He has kept me through each and every one of them.

Only recently (the past year or so) have I learned to allow God to fill the voids in my life that other people have not been able to. I have learned what it means to trust God with my heart. I have learned that God will keep me in everything and there is no reason to ever fear because I can rest and fall safe in Him. He is my strong tower (Psalm 61:3), my safe guard, my source of strength, life, joy, and all that necessary stuff that is entailed in an abundant life (John 10:10). So over the past few years He has been doing some major surgery on my heart, and today I feel like it is beating for it's first Father's Day without being on life support. By this I mean in the past, God really had to send His ministering angels to me on this day because plain and simple, it was hard. Today, I was not sad or bitter or self conscious. Today was not hard. Today I was grateful.

When I learned to trust God, I learned to trust Him with everything, including this void that I've carried with me my entire life. I now know how to take my hurt to Him. I know Him now as my Father. He talks to me, He provides for me, He loves me beyond myself, He sees my potential past my flaws, and He even rebukes me.

All week I have been wondering, "I wonder how I will feel on Father's Day 2009. I wonder if I will be sad. I wonder if my heart will be hard." Nope, none of that. I entered into His courts with praise and into His gates with thanksgiving. Today I witnessed something; God is raising up such an army of men that are taking back their territory from the enemy and setting their houses in order. I was grateful for every man and his family, and the lives that he touches. I was grateful that no longer are people comfortably sitting on the sidelines watching our men fall and our children fail right out of the starting gate. It's a new day.

Most of all I was grateful that my Father loves me. Had my life not been exactly how it is, I would have never reached for God the way that I do. I am so desperate for Him, and I thank Him for everything that has made me that way. I thank Him for every holiday that my father wasn't there. I thank him for every graduation and award ceremony that my father was not there. I'm grateful for every time I felt less, because each one of those moments pushed me closer to God.

My heart has been healed of something that for so long created the biggest scar that only closed to reopen. God is my great Healer. I love that God is so big and strong that He is to me and you whatever we need Him to be; a mother, a father, a deliverer, a teacher, a healer, a friend...this list can go on forever (and I'm at work right now and I ain't tryna go in lol). But just know that every single time someone you love or miss or have a hardened heart toward hurts you or lets you down, it's just an opportunity for God to show you that He is your everything.

Trust Him

~Call ME JEl~

P.S. So this is SUCH a journal entry (LOL) and I'm like...do I wanna put this on my BLOG?? Cuz like...ya know, it's kinda personal. IDK, so I'm just gonna put it up. Actually, I don't feel like getting out my journal, locating a pen, and writing all of this. Typing is so much easier. Ahhh laziness...