Father's Day

Ya know...I don't think I have ever had a good Father's Day. Each year I dread Father's Day for two reasons. #1. People who really know my life are extra concerned and feel the need to check up on me. #2. I may need to be checked up on because this day can bring some crappy feelings my way.

Background: I don't know my father (thank God for Jesus and counseling).

When I moved away from home at 17 and came to college I had to make some major decisions. It was the 2nd Sunday in September 2005 when I decided that I was either going to give these feelings of rejection and self consciousness to God or I was going to simple live a life that full of e. I decided to give it all to God, but I didn't realize that I had to give it all and not just part of it.

Now let me say, over the past four years I have come to know God in a way that I never could have imagined. He has sustained me in every way. No matter what kind of impossible situation I was in (and I've had a few), He has kept me through each and every one of them.

Only recently (the past year or so) have I learned to allow God to fill the voids in my life that other people have not been able to. I have learned what it means to trust God with my heart. I have learned that God will keep me in everything and there is no reason to ever fear because I can rest and fall safe in Him. He is my strong tower (Psalm 61:3), my safe guard, my source of strength, life, joy, and all that necessary stuff that is entailed in an abundant life (John 10:10). So over the past few years He has been doing some major surgery on my heart, and today I feel like it is beating for it's first Father's Day without being on life support. By this I mean in the past, God really had to send His ministering angels to me on this day because plain and simple, it was hard. Today, I was not sad or bitter or self conscious. Today was not hard. Today I was grateful.

When I learned to trust God, I learned to trust Him with everything, including this void that I've carried with me my entire life. I now know how to take my hurt to Him. I know Him now as my Father. He talks to me, He provides for me, He loves me beyond myself, He sees my potential past my flaws, and He even rebukes me.

All week I have been wondering, "I wonder how I will feel on Father's Day 2009. I wonder if I will be sad. I wonder if my heart will be hard." Nope, none of that. I entered into His courts with praise and into His gates with thanksgiving. Today I witnessed something; God is raising up such an army of men that are taking back their territory from the enemy and setting their houses in order. I was grateful for every man and his family, and the lives that he touches. I was grateful that no longer are people comfortably sitting on the sidelines watching our men fall and our children fail right out of the starting gate. It's a new day.

Most of all I was grateful that my Father loves me. Had my life not been exactly how it is, I would have never reached for God the way that I do. I am so desperate for Him, and I thank Him for everything that has made me that way. I thank Him for every holiday that my father wasn't there. I thank him for every graduation and award ceremony that my father was not there. I'm grateful for every time I felt less, because each one of those moments pushed me closer to God.

My heart has been healed of something that for so long created the biggest scar that only closed to reopen. God is my great Healer. I love that God is so big and strong that He is to me and you whatever we need Him to be; a mother, a father, a deliverer, a teacher, a healer, a friend...this list can go on forever (and I'm at work right now and I ain't tryna go in lol). But just know that every single time someone you love or miss or have a hardened heart toward hurts you or lets you down, it's just an opportunity for God to show you that He is your everything.

Trust Him

~Call ME JEl~

P.S. So this is SUCH a journal entry (LOL) and I'm like...do I wanna put this on my BLOG?? Cuz like...ya know, it's kinda personal. IDK, so I'm just gonna put it up. Actually, I don't feel like getting out my journal, locating a pen, and writing all of this. Typing is so much easier. Ahhh laziness...