A blog about nothing...really

Well, it's super late...or super early; however you want to look at it. I have not had a night where I didn't have somewhere to be early in the morning so I feel kinda weird. Like...shouldn't I be in bed, but wait; why?

I'm sure you can tell by now that this blog has no definite direction. In fact, I'm not really sure what the next line is going to be. Here it is: I'm grateful.

I'm home alone just thinking about how much grace and mercy God has shown me and it makes me smile. I feel as if God has been orchestrating every single moment of my life to get me to this point; sitting at home, alone, writing a blog about nothing :)

I haven't told you much about me huh? Well, I'm from Iowa (yes it is really, it borders a whole bunch of other states ;) I grew up in a very diverse town (black, white, Mexican, and Bosnian mostly). I however, went to school in a different town. For some reason, resources still have yet to trickle down to the school systems that are most in need of them. Through attending Northern University High School in Cedar Falls, Iowa, I was able to see the world. My first plane ride was on a trip to France, where I stayed with a non-English speaking family. My first boyfriend lived around the corner from me. I feel bad because we were always so close, and then I up and moved 700 miles away. But you know what? I don't really feel bad because although we were close, neither of us wanted a real relationship. We wanted to travel and see things that we had never seen and do things that we had never done. We'll see each other again...

My mother is the youngest of seven and absolutely gorgeous. Hold on while I get of facebook to find a picture of her...ok, got one. She is the one with the extra big smile on the right. My aunt Sylvia is on the left. So I grew up in a pretty tight-knit family that talked all the time and were constantly around each other, but never real talked about much that mattered. The Crawfords are a very closed off people. We know how to smile and have the world running through our minds. My mother and my grandmother raised me. Ok, gotta get a pic of grandma. So that's my grandma lookin like she just shot the sheriff, and WISHES you would say sumn about it. ( I couldn't find another pic on my computer. She'd be mad...good thing one doesn't make it a habit of blogging at 89). My mother and my grandmother are my roots. They hold me back and catapult me into an endless sky at the same time. Only the people you truly love have the ability to do that to you.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a very large family. My grandparents had a ridiculous number of kids. Oh yea, my grandpa. I love him. He is the one you go to for stories. He will never stop talkin about his folks who grew up on some islands near North Carolina and worked on rice farms. I gotta get that whole story one day. The last time I was home, I saw it as a mortal place that changes and continues to look different...or maybe it stays the same as I become different. There was a HUGE flood about two years ago...it ruined so much. It changed so many lives. I would watch the coverage everyday on the news as I prayed for my family and all I could seem to think was...how in the H....world (excuse me) did IOWA get to be under water??? I still don't know, but hey, I rest in the fact that God knows. That's good enough for me these days. I haven't been back since.

I have one brother. We were thick as thieves growin up, then of course he thought he was grown and didn't want to hang out with his sister 4 years his junior. So we grew apart. Only now like 10 years later are we beginning to have conversations about nothing...but just talking because for the longest time...it was just us two. We looked out for one another in an environment that didn't understand us. My father?? Well, he did QUITE the disappearing act. I mean...it was amazing. Growing up I was pretty angry that my father wasn't with me cuz like...that crap ain't fair right?? In fact, I was angry enough to be receiving counseling at a ridiculously young age. Well I grew to learn to mask my feelings until I grew to learn that a healing was necessary. I also grew to learn that healing is a looooonnnnggg process, and it continues today.

So right after I returned from France I made up my mind; I was going away. I would not be one of those girls who lived their entire life wishing she had gathered her courage enough to move somewhere that wasn't here. I didn't want to be one that listened to the stories of friends who had traveled to random places. So shoot, I picked a random place; Tennessee. MURFREESBORO Tennessee. People ask me ALL the time...why did you come to TN. Honey, anywhere but here. When you are reaching to be better and needing deliverance and thirsting for God, sometimes you gotta pick up and GO. So I didn't tell my family until it was absolutely necessary...one month before the big move. I told them in a way that said...yes, I am the baby of this entire family, but my mind is made up and you really don't need to waste your time trying to convince me to do otherwise; and they didn't. I left and started on my road to becoming a new person. A person who did not think less of herself because of past events. A person that grew to love who she saw in the mirror. A person who cared whether her life was extended another day. A person who loved God so much...she's go anywhere to find him.

Today, 21 years after I entered this physically bound Earth. 18 years after I began my downward spiral of self hate and destruction that nearly led to death too many times. 8 years after I began to plan my escape. 4 years after I said good-bye to the only boy that I ever cared about so much I STILL smile when I think about him. 4 years after I met the craziest, sexiest, and coolest people I know. 4 years after I began to lay my hurt and feelings of deprivation and rejection down. 1 1/2 months after walking across a stage and receiving my diploma. 7 hours after praying that God brings healing to a lot of people I don't even know, but fill my heart anyway. 30 minutes after my girl Sabrina left. 28 minutes after I decided to write a blog about nothing.

Y'all I'm grateful.

What will tomorrow bring? Work? Laughter? Joy? Pain? Fear? Security? I don't know what these next 30 seconds will bring (probably more blogging about nothing), but I know that I cannot thank my God enough because I can sit here think about how He raised my from my near-death bed brought me 700 miles from home to get to know Him more. He would take me through all that JUST so we can get closer. Don't you just LOVE Him?

God I Love You! I Adore You!

~CalL mE jeL~

P.S. I usually do cute fonts and different colors in my blog, but right now...I ain't feelin all that frilly-type stuff.

Peaces