The COUNTDOWN has begun!!

Hey folks! It's been a minute. So what's been goin on with you?

Oh me? Well, let's see...hmmm...oh yea..SCHOOL. My entire life is school, and when I'm not at school, I'm at work. But don't worry, I'm not complaining. This schedule keeps me focused. I don't have too much time for foolishness, which is a good thing.

Ok so a couple of weeks ago I went to California for a prayer conference. I know right!! a PRAYER conference. After I bought the ticket I was excited, but then I was like...Anjelica? Did you really just buy a plane ticket to freakin California to pray and wear super long skirts?! Yup, I sure did. My friend Courtney was my friend under 40 who went. Everyone else was pretty much 40 and up (I can't tell you why my friends are so much older than me...but I don't mind. I'd opt for 40 year old wisdom over 20 year old attitude any day). Hey Deidre, Wendy, Deborah, Anita!! **group pic coming soon**

So we get to Cali and this lady who went by the name of "Motha Hall" picked us up from the airport. My first impression of Mother Hall? H.O.L.Y. She had on brown low heel shoes, brown tights, a brown skirt to her ankles...I'm talkin straight out the holiness church! LOL By the end of the trip I LOVED Mother Hall. I miss her so much. She loved to share her wisdom and she loved to laugh and she loved God...fa real y'all.

So anyway, me and Courtney shared a room, and the 40+ plus club shared a room. Let me tell you, I never thought Courtney and I would end up being good friends...but would ya look at God. I've known her for like 4-5 years, and only in the last like 4-5 months have we really gotten to know each other. God knows whats best...and when.

(That's Courtney to the right...I believe this is her debut in my blog...I think, but I'm not finna go back and check, so let's just say it is and welcome her Amen?)

I can't really explain all that happened during the conference except my life was changed. I don't have the words. I have never been around people who were so hungry for God. I met this lady (Teresa) who plays keys for the church. She is the business. She plays bass too, and is so into music as worship. Pastor Tamara Bennett actually taught about travailing, and it was one of the most profound week-ends of my life. I don't see anything the same anymore. I know that doesn't tell you much, but I'd really have to sit down and talk to you about all that transpired. Blogger just won't cut it. Just know...I don't care how holy you wanna call me...it does not matter. I loved every second. It only grew my desire for God, and I'm trying every day to keep that. ("be it unto me...")

So, as some of you may (or may not) know, I have been praying for my mother for a long time. I was her to find her place in God, and not try to fit in the world. My mother is amazing. Her heart is soooo big. She's gorgeous. I love her, but I want so much more for her. She did an amazing job raising two BAD kids by herself, she managed to own a beautiful home, then she was courageous enough to leave everything she knew and take a chance to reach for fulfillment. I have since learned that it's not about where you are in the world that makes the difference, it's about where you are in God. I used to worry about her right through there, but nowadays I see God working so quickly, and mending a heart the world spent years breaking. My mom is on her way home...praise the LORD!

Ok, so back to the 40+ club. I have always loved chillin around older people. Back home I was pretty much around my grandmother and her friends all the time. Older people have such a substance when they talk. It's like they realize how valuable words are, and so they don't waste them. I have a horrible habit of talking (good thing I'm gonna be a counselor huh?). I've learned over time that silence can be just as valuable as talking. I am able to look to my older and wiser friends, and go to them with things I couldn't tell any of my other friends. I value them more then they know, but of course I can't show or tell them that...it's already weird enough that I chill with people 20-30 years my senior on a regular basis. At this point in my life I realize that at 22, I don't know a lot of things. So...I've decided to willingly put myself in a position to learn.

Oh yea...so the COUNTDOWN. 10 months. 10 months and I will have a Master's degree. What does that mean? #1. I can be a professional counselor. I'm not really worried about this whole economy and job market thing. I never claimed to be a part of this recession anyway. #2. I can start on my doctorate. #3. Possible another move? Who knows...where ever school, the job market, and God calls (not in that order)...I'll go. So won't you start the countdown with me saints??? 10....

YOU KNOW WHAT?! I haven't done a word of the day in sooo long. Well folks the word of the day: Consistency.

~Father help me to keep moving, going deeper in you. Consistent in my walk, and not distracted by side shows.

I will never buy another pillow

We all need hobbies. Otherwise...we end up watching t.v. for a ridiculous amount of hours and accomplishing nothing. I have many hobbies...trying not to forget French (I talk to myself in French sometimes), guitar, writing songs/poetry, road trips (I'm due for one), and there are many more. I have now developed a new hobby, and I must say...I'm enjoying it.

You see, 2 days ago I didn't know how to use a sewing machine. 2 days ago I didn't know what a bobbin was, let along how to thread one. 2 days ago I didn't know the speed of the needle was control by the pressure one puts on the pedel. But today? Oh today, sewing has officially become a new hobby of mine. Now I'm not the bomb just yet...but I can make a mean pillow. Check out my first creations....

I don't have a lot of spare time BUT when I get a free day, I'm gonna attempt to tackle the following...

I will never buy another pillow...

...and it all went down in 2009

Hey hey hey!!

I'm gonna start by being off topic. You know that song..."livin He loved me, dyin He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away. Risin He justified and freed me forever. One day He's comin, one glorious day." That's been stuck in my head for, I don't know...like 3 months. That is the jam though...the old school jam. Like the real old school, the I only wear skirts and no make-up old school.

~~~~~

I just thought I'd take a look back on 2009. You do know that we've got like..IDK...8 days left in this year right? It's so funny because its Dec. 23 and I haven't bought one Christmas present yet. LOL. Since I've given up all hope for doing that...I'm gonna give my people their Christmas presents at random times. Gift wrapped and everything. Hey! I'd love a wrapped Christmas present in March...wouldn't you?

So...let's go back...

January, 2009. I began the last semester of my undergraduate career. My thesis was done and published, I was planning my exit from My Sister's Keeper, I was deciding where I was going to school for the next few years, I had lost a roommate and got another (which turned out to be one of the best roomies I've ever had!), and that's only the beginning. Little did Anjelica (that's me!) know, that the Lord had begun a serious serious serious work in me. Pruning me of a whole bunch of crap I was carrying around.

I remember receiving a call from Dr. Tom Burton of Texas A&M University. "Anjelica, congratulations, you are 1 of 7 people out of a thousand applicants to be accepted into the Doctorate Counseling Psychology program. In just a few years, I'll be calling you Dr. Crawford." Hallelujah! Hallelujah? I was so hype. So excited. I was the bomb! I had done it. Pulled myself up by my boot straps and was on my way to success. But wait....where was God in this whole situation you might ask? Well you see, this is how I figured it all. I was the one who studied, took a whole bunch of classes, conducted research, wrote a thesis, excelled on the GRE, spent a TON of money applying to all these programs, blah blah blah. So...I figured because I did all this, I should be able to go where I want to go (I didn't know the definition of self righteousness at the time). Well the day came when the decision had to be made, and for some reason, I felt so uneasy about accepting their offer. You know how do something just plain wrong, and you can't stop thinking about it. That's how it felt. And I didn't understand it because this was a good thing. I was taking a huge step in my education and my career. And yet the million dollar question remains...where was God? I had to decline the offer. People didn't know, but I was not happy about doing that, but I'm usually pretty good at smiling regardless of how I feel. I had not consulted God once in the whole process of decided where I was going to spend the next 4 years of my life. I had sought counsel from academic mentors, professors, practicing psychologists, and the list goes one. There was however one HUGE error that I had made, which would stop the entire process and void every plan; I did not include God on that list. By accepting the offer from Texas A&M I was saying that I didn't need God. I could obviously achieve whatever I set my mind to on my own. Why consult God when the plan is already coming together? I realized how unhappy God was with the course of my recent actions that did not involve Him. He wanted to be involved, and although I didn't know it at the time, I needed for Him to be involved. I loved Him, yes, but I didn't trust Him. And trusting Him is what was being required of me. So I chose a local private school and still I sometimes think to myself...I went above and beyond in my undergrad years for this? But then I have to remind myself that this is where God wants me to be, which means I am in the right place.

2009 was also the year of Blu21. Don't remember?

"The color Blu: Calm, cool, depth, stability, tranquility21: The best age ever!Blu21 is representative of its members (jessica stix and myself).

What we are about:2 guitars...2 voices...1 worship. Blu21 is about simple worship. If we're not showing our love for God on stage, we exalting Him at home. We believe in worship, and now is the time to stand up and show people who God is. We're not perfect, but we pray every day that God fills us more and more with Himself."

Though the chords of Blu21's songs haven't been plucked in quite a while, they're still awesome...don't get it twisted lol. Great memories and fun times. What better way to share the love of God with others than sing about "how great He is", how it feels so good to be "broken", "how I love Him", how there is such power "in the name of Jesus"? I can't think of a better way to have brought in 2009; worship, which is simply "love responding to love."

Oh yes. 2009 brought me some new friends. I think it must have been around February or so when I met my bud AJ. AJ is just peculiar enough for me to love her. She is unlike anyone else I've ever met. Her gift of music is beyond just about everyone you hear on the radio these days. Her energy seems to peak at like 1am, which I'm still not understanding lol. She quiet and keeps to herself, but at the same time is slick wild (in a good way). Her cat is the biggest feline I've ever seen that is not in a cage. Then around May or June (I think) came Melissa and Sabrina. I joined the church that they attend and somehow, we met, clicked, and have hung tight ever since. I love them both very dearly. I moved from Murfreesboro just months before and hadn't really made any close friends in my area, and they just so happened to live pretty darn close. And then there is Sophie. The final person in "the roommates." Melissa and Sabrina "gave" me to Sophie when she was in Florida. It turned out that we have so many similarities that it has become creepy ;-)

Fast forward to August 2009. It was then I became a Bison. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I hung up my Blue Raider shoes and put on my Bison horns (do Bisons have horns?). I walked to my first graduate class, Theories of Counseling with Dr. Pruitt (who loved to use random and sometimes offensive words. Referring to someone as a "trick" for example). Lipscomb University is a private Christian college, and believe you me, I wouldn't have picked it in any usual circumstance, but everything with God has a tendency to be unusual ;-)

I first thought Lipscomb would be sooo uptight and close minded because (no offense) that is how "Christians" often are. I was so wrong. Lipscomb turned out to be an amazing thing for me. Not only were these people not uptight, but they were open minded enough to believe the word of God in a world that says it's false, and bold enough to proclaim it. They stand on a scientific model, but they also understand that God does not follow the laws that man has put on Him. And as believing scientists, we have to try and prove our views with statistics, but at the end of the day our main job is to make sure God is glorified and people are shown in the direction of His light.

Hmm...what else happened in August? Oh yes, JAMAICA!!! I first heard about this possible mission trip to Jamaica back in maybe May, and I was so down. Then time came for it to take place and I did not have money. Bummer...but I had decided to have faith and believe God.

I learned something very valuable here; there is a difference between what seems like faith and real faith. What seems like faith can make you look real holy and give the impression that you and God are real tight. However, there is no power in what seems like faith. And there is no healing and deliverance in what seems like faith. But real faith on the other hand? Oh real faith can quicken the dead, heal the incurable, and move any mountain that you come up against. It is unfortunate for the body of Christ (apart from a few exceptions) that it's uncommon to really tap into that kind of faith like Paul and Peter and them did back in the day.

The other day I was visiting with some of the "Jamaica crew" and the question was asked if we would do it again? The majority of the people said no. I honestly could not relate to this. There were so many children there who faces literally lit up when they saw us coming to camp each morning. We had open air services where people in the community would just walk by and by the end of it all, end up giving their lives to Christ. I met so many great people and formed what I know to be long lasting relationships. And oh my Jesus, the beach!! I have been on a lot of beach from here in the US to the beaches of Southern Europe, but I have never seen a beach like that. I think it was different because we were on an island. It feels different to be on an island. My friend Tianna and I were just sitting on the beach one day and trying to figure out in which direction the U.S. was located, which sadly took us a minute (actually, I'm not sure if we ever really figured it out) .

I took a lot back with me from Jamaica. One thing for which I would go all over again is the appreciation for something as simple and complex as life. They didn't own much in Jamaica. They weren't rich by anyones standards. They ate only the most simple of foods. They wore simple clothes. But I noticed that when they got together about God, they didn't ask Him for XYZ. They didn't say..."Lord, give me more money. You want me to be blessed so bless with a bigger house." In short, they said thank you Lord for what you've given me, and thank you that You'll make up for anything that is lacking. They aren't begging God for stuff, they are begging God for God, and thanking Him for the little stuff that they had. I wouldn't change one day about Jamaica, not one.

As you can see, 2009 was an eventful year for, and this is not even half of what went on. But at the end of it all I can only say Thank You LORD!! Every single thing that went down in 2009 brought me closer to you. I can only pray that 2010 will do the same, and much more.

Everyone has these new years resolutions of studying more, spending less money, being more focused, etc. And those are some of mine as well. But my overall objective is to search out those things that God has concealed (Proverbs 25:2). According to King James, that's where honor is, so that's where I wanna be. Wrapped up in the faith and knowledge of Christ, walking on water and speaking to storms. My family slick calls me an extra holy roller. I slick don't care. In 2010, I'm walking on water.

~Call me Jel~

Peace Like A River

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier about...well, it's hard to say. She was just saying how sometimes she feels like she's not existing. I think I've been struggling with that as well. And then I remember that all things are working for my good. Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions and quoting things like Romans 8:28 help me get through the day a little better, but tomorrow will be just another day in which I have to find a scripture or something to lift my blue spirit.

Sometimes it's like I'm suspended in mid-air, waiting.

...Waiting for something to happen.

...Waiting for something to change.

...Waiting to know what to do next.

But while waiting I've got to be sure my time is not idle. Waiting does not meaning wasting. I have to remember to grow in my times of waiting. It is then when I realize that this waiting is so essential to becoming. I look around and realize that I have to take advantage of this time when things are not moving so fast. This is the time for development. And you know, I'm thankful for this time. Instead of being thrown into a the middle of the life, I'm given this time to prepare, so that when change happens, its a time of grace and peace.

~Peace Like A River

I finally got a chance to catch up with an undergraduate advisor of mine; Mimi. It was so good just being able to sit and talk with her. I've missed her sooo much. While I was in undergrad Mimi was such an influence. She was extremely strict and loving at the same time. Although she could be quite blunt and direct with me, at the same time I just knew that she was teaching me. She was trying to give me wisdom in increments I could handle. And when I paid her a visit I realized that she did just that. If there was one person who influenced me the most over the past 3 years, it was Mimi. Her grace and wisdom gave me such an model to look at. Even now after graduation I can just go to her office, sit across from her, and share my heart. And it's almost like she sees past what I am saying. She does not get caught up in the emotion of a situation. God has given me such favor through Mimi; kind and gentle wisdom

~Peace Like A River

This blog has actually been in the works for like 4 days. I started it and then just stopped to do other things, so at this moment I am picking it up. Thanksgiving was great. I decided to take and entire week off of work and reLAX. And I did just that. I slept in nearly every day. I went to bed whenever I felt like it. I watched a lot of tv. I ate a lot. The best thing: I spent time with my friends and family.

Thanksgiving day I chilled with my mom. She cooked, I ate..lol. I just hung with her a talked a bit. She has been goin through a hard time so it was nice to just sit next to her for no real reason except just to be there. Well after a couple of hours mommy dearest went into retreat mode, so I left. I'll have to explain more about this in a later blog. All I'm saying now is that I am believing God for yet another miracle. And I truly do believe!

~Peace Like A River

I spent the rest of Thanksgiving (well, Thanksgiving Day, the day before, and the day after) with my buds Sophie, Sabrina, AJ, and LaTricia. It's amazing how God will place the right people in your life at the right time and for the right amount of time. God shows His favor to me through people and I love it. We didn't do much. Chilled. Watched a Beyonce DVD like 40 times. Threw in a little Cece and Tonex. Ate. I guess we just enjoyed each others company since we didn't go home.

I read this book while I was over there front to back and it was just about Heaven. It was about what it would look like, who would be there, how one would feel upon arrival. Just all this stuff and of course no one can really know Heaven in its entirety until ya get there, but this painted a pretty picture. The book was pretty good but it was really the message behind the book that spoke to me:

We go through all this stuff here on earth. We struggle to pay our bills. We struggle to maintain relationships. We struggle to achieve our academic and professional goals. And I just thought, after all this, Anjelica, how much do you struggle to know God? Now, no get it twisted. I do love God and I do want to know Him more tomorrow than I do today. My recent prayer has been to increase my desire for Him. And without my knowledge, God began to do that the moment I spoke it. Of course we desire God. Who wouldn't want to know someone so great and mighty?! But when I prayed that prayer for an increased desire, I was praying from a different kind of place. I want to WANT God more than I want my next breath. I want to WANT God more than I want anything else in this world. I want to WANT God more than I want His blessings and benefits.

I was made in such a way that I am fulfilled by relationships. Things are nice and pretty and shiny...whatever. Things are great. But it's not things that touch me, it's time. It's the giving of something that you can't ever get back. And I was just asking God why in the WORLD would you make me like that?! Seriously, cuz I could really just turn out to be a really annoying, nagging, time consuming person ya know? Then He said..."YOU were meant to give of yourself what YOU can never get back. YOUR time. YOUR love. YOUR heart. And I will fulfill that need that I created in you. And you can continue to give of yourself as I continue give you Myself."

I was made to want God sooo much that I can't stand it if I don't have Him. I can't function. I'm not happy. I can't communicate. I can't chill out. I just can't without Him. He made me that way. And so when I prayed for an increased desire for Him I was simply coming into agreement with Him. So these days things are great. Relationships are great. But the one thing I desire most is communion with God. My desire for Him has increased so, and so my capacity for Him has also increased as a result. You cannot completely receive what you do not completely want. I cannot wait for God to reveal more and more of Himself to me, and I to Him. This was my prayer.

~Peace Like A River

A Somewhat Cloudy November 11, 2009

Ok...I'm stressed.

Like fa real...stressed. Why you might ask?

I haven't been home in nearly two years, so I planned a trip this month. Well financially, I cannot afford to go home. I mean, I was gonna hop in my truck and make the 10 hour drive to see my grandmother for 2 or 3 short days, and drive right back. And from the looks of things, that's not going to happen.

I'm talking to God like..."ok, i'm confused. There should be no reason I can't afford to take a week off of work to go home!!!"

So there's that. And now I have to sign a paper saying I am taking out a loan for $8000 for ONE semester. Great. I can't wait until I have to pay THAT back. You know how crazy this is making me right now. I had a dream that I owed $65,000 to suntrust for school loans. No joke.

So on top of that, I did something really stupid. About a year ago I had a close family member that was in a horrible situation. They needed a co-signer and I was like..."ohhh of course. You're fam" STUPID. Yup, that's right. I'm getting calls from this loan company now. Wonderful. But at the time, I could easily afford their payment PLUS all of my stuff, so I was cool.

Oh yea, my job is trippin wit me too. I was seriously .4 seconds away from walking out the door today and quitting. Long story short, they thought it was okay to give my scheduled hours away to someone else. I tried to be calm about it, but Renee came out. I called, txtd, and sent a "nice" email to my manager that said something along the lines of..."if there is a reason my hours were given away I need to be told, otherwise you might as well give them all away." Well, they gave me my hours back and apologized.

You know what? God has to be setting me up for something spectacular because as of right now, I have a credit card bill, an electricity bill, a cable bill, and a phone bill (all of which are overdue) to pay, and with no $$ in my pocket, that seems pretty impossible right now.

I'm def frustrated. I have never REALLY been broke. But as of lately, things have gotten ridiculous. I mean seriously, I go to school full time and work like 50+ hours a week. I GOT to be doin something wrong! Frustration is the word.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I keep thinking..."God, you have ALWAYS provided for me in some way. ALWAYS. Most of the time very unexpected ways, but right now, I'm thinking to myself...*sigh*. Yup I don't even have words.. Just *sigh* Something real crazy happened to me the other day and I was like...God is sooo setting me up here. And then today I'm like...maybe not. Maybe there is no set up. Maybe I just need to get back to reality, work, and pay my bills. Maybe I just won't get to go home. Maybe this season in life just sucks. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should take a break from school. Maybe I just need to get my mind right.

So chances are there has GOT to be at least a few good things going for me right? Well...I got 102 on my Pathology test. I seem to be handling this grad school thing pretty well. Umm...I'm working a lot with my church, which is great. I get to talk to women who are like twice my age (at least) about their views on life. Very interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Umm...I'm writing a lot with a couple friends. I've had a special "someone" in life for a few months now. I'm out of shape and don't really care ;)

God I know You do the impossible. I've SEEN You do the impossible. I've seen you do the impossible for ME. I know you are bigger than any problem I have or could think up. So right now I am going on record to say I believe that you will take care of my every need. I am your child and your children are never forsaken. You have spoken to me promises that I can't forget. You have proven Yourself time and time again. You have never failed. You are perfect in every way possible. You uphold me and because of you I have gotten this far. So I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to continue my education for an advanced degree. I thank you for my apartment. I thank you for just supplying everything I need. My help does not come from my job, but it comes from you. So right now I give you glory for everything that you have in store. And Father if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped, I thank you because You are God, and no matter what it looks like...all things are working for my good. You are God, and you are a good God.

~After my Father's heart~

Great Is Your Mercy

Well hellooooo

It is super early in the morning, the sun is shining, and today looks like its gonna be a great day!!

Lets see...this week-end was awesome! I went to Memphis to chill with my friends Larry and Amber. We didn't do too much. A LOT of eating, some mall hopping and music sharing. I LOVE being able to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. I saw Tye Tribbett live and it was A-MAZ-ING!! #1. This concert was 4 1/2 hours long. Yes folks. We did not get out until 11:27pm, but it was worth every minute. #2. I have such a respect for the man. Mostly because although he is super hype and gets the crowd up, he will PREACH YOU DOWN! He did ALL of my fav songs...and I do mean ALL of them. But he also cut out a few of his new ones to talk to the youth, and everyone else there for that matter. He seriously brought a Word from the LORD that I am still reflecting on. He was less concerned with what he looked like and even how many songs he got to perform, and more concerned with the people leaving with their spirit filled with what God had spoken to him. His songs are filled with lyrics that can reach a generation. He speaks on issues that are not popular to speak on because they are guaranteed to rub people the wrong way. I love to see people who are serious about God's business. Now I don't know the man personally. I've meet him a couple times, and I know that he is anointed, and he is doing to work of the Lord.

Speaking of people who are serious about God's business...I'm sooo glad I drove back from Memphis for church yesterday. SOOOO glad. Pastor talked about the condition of the heart, which of course entails quite a bit, and I'm still meditating on a lot of it. He talked about how we can NOT walk around holding crap against people and how we can NOT walk around after we've offended someone and act like nothing ever transpired. Basically it was get right before the Lord message and as a friend described it to me...."it hurt so good." What was so funny is that my friend Amber and I spent hours talking about just that on the way to and from Memphis. This week-end was full of confirmation and grace. Thank you Father!!

So I left for Memphis Saturday morning, hung out all day, went to see Tye that night, and drove back to Nashville Sunday morning so I could make it to church. AFTER which I helped my mother move. I did NOT feel like helping her and was real tempted to get an attitude. BUT...I'm being careful to not grow weary in well doing. After all, my week-end had been excellent up until that point, so I had a decision to make. Let this thing that I don't feel like doing get the best of me, or get I could get the best of it. After all that I was planning on going home and going to bed. NOPE. I was on the phone for like 3 hours! ugh...and I don't even like talking on the phone. lol And now its super early, and I'm at work, BUT its ok because today is great :)


*A spirit of weariness will ALWAYS try to attach itself to you when you are doing well*



So for the past two months or so I have not been happy. And I'm a happy girl. I'm usually giddy for no specific reason, and over the past several weeks I have not been feeling like that. I KNEW something was wrong. I was tired and just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I blamed part of it on my environment, which was wrong of me. I can't control my environment or the people in it but I have a choice of how I respond to things. My perspective needed to be changed and my spirit needed a serious refreshing, and over the last two weeks my perspective has def been changing and my spirit is new. I missed that happy-go-lucky Anjelica. I'm not being self centered or anything, but I missed me, and I had allowed that part of me to be buried by circumstances. I had no right to allow ANYTHING to steal my smile, and I did. So for the Father, forgive me. BUT today...today I feel as if the purpose for all this spiritual warfare has been revealed. I have a new view of my life and of God. God has not given me the right to do anything but live a life that glorifies Him, and frowning all the time def does not. The bible says to MAKE a joyful noise. It does not say "be led" to make a joyful noise, or to make a joyful noise when you feel like it. It simply says to MAKE a joyful noise. This infers that we must decide to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. We have to make our mouths open in praises to God. We have to make nice with those around us. We have to DECIDE to give God glory in spite of. And I have decided. Happy for no reason Anjelica is back. Devil, get out the freakin way!!

Thank you God for your patience, your grace, and your mercy. Your patience has allowed me to go through the process of obtaining a better understanding of who You are. You grace has supplied me with all that I need while going through this process. Your mercy has held back the consequences of not being who you have called me to be. Jehovah, none is greater than You, and I will spend my life showing the world how glorious You are.

So Thankful,

~Jel~

Falling SUCKS!!

I'm reading this book. It's pretty good. I'm always finding some book to read, as if someone else's revelation of God and the human race will become mine and the process that person had to go through to receive this concept will be spared for me because I just dipped in on their revelation. Well I must say, sometimes that works. I shouldn't have to experience everything for myself, sometimes I should just take a clue and learn from the disasters of others. The author is a best-seller and all that, and he is a Christian. In fact he's a "Christian author," (because as we all know unless you're an author that writes books about Jesus you aren't a "Christian author," but just another author who is no different than a non-believer).

Anyway, he writes with such a transparency that it makes me uncomfortable. He writes about his feelings and relationships and stuff with such honesty and openness, it's incredible. How secure does one have to be to give his personal life such an audience?

Anyway, he talks about something that's quite interesting to me: human nature. I study Psychology. Psychology is a funny thing. The "big heads" of the field take principles of human nature, subtract God, and name these principles as theories after themselves, as if God was not the creator of man and already had these answers and more that we could never fathom. The author never studied Psychology I don't think, but his views are quite amazing to me.

He talks a lot about the fall of man; before and after. He depicts the paradise before the fall not in terms of scenery, but in terms of the original mindset of man. These are his views:

Man (and woman) were created to receive affirmation from God. We were created to depend on God for everything that we need. This included emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, as well as the physical. We were created to love God receive love from Him, and interact with Him as if we were best friends, He has father and you and me as child. He created a need in us for Him. We were made to need His words of love and His touch. Then we fell. We separated from Him. We created a distance between Him and us, and no longer were we receiving those words of love and touches like we used to. Think about it. Before the fall, man walked with God. I mean really walked with God. Now? Well we occasionally visit Him. We do walk with Him, whenever we go through this long drawn out struggle of killing our flesh and blocking out the world so we may finally hear and see Him, but we are still separated. Even though we chose to separate ourselves from God, He has not granted the favor of changing our make-up, our internal wiring. We still need these words of love and we still need touch. So now that we are distanced from our Creator, where do these words and touches come from? I guess we just look for them in our current state, in our current environment.

Is this why too many people settle for less than they are worth? Is this why young women are taken advantage of by predators that seek to destroy what was once beautiful? Is this why we feel unacceptable when we don't receive this affirmation that we were created to need?

The author writes this:

And then I started thinking about my own life, how I need people to love me and like me and how, if they don't, I feel miserable and sad and how I am tempted to believe what they are saying about me is true. It is as though the voice of God we used to have has been taken up by less credible voices. And when I think about this I know that Genesis 3 is true; I know without a doubt I am a person who is wired so that something outside of myself tells me who I am. I am not trying to say I have some kind of terrible dysfunction or anything, it's just that other people's opinions, after the Fall, have become very important, and if everybody says that Saab cars are cool, then I want a Saab car, and if people say that a certain kind of music is cool, then I am more likely to listen to that kind of music (Miller, 95).

"...if the relations between God and man are disturbed, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don't get that love and respect we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake," (Miller, 108).

Yes ladies and gents, our glory is at stake. But lets be real about this, haven't we already lost our glory? Didn't we exchange our glory for the knowledge that the apple gave us? So when we realized we were no better than apes unless we wore threads of costly clothing, we traded our glory as the price.

We search for all this knowledge. We go to school for years. We take out loans for thousands of dollars and spend our entire lives trying to pay it back, and for what? For knowledge? For that thing that was responsible for our fall? We are still searching for that. Still eating the forbidden apple. Still loaning our souls out for just a bit of knowledge that might place us ahead of where we are. I almost brave enough to stand up and say knowledge is setting us back. It's removing us, again, from our place with God.

So are we now doomed to search the earth for comforts that we need, or will any of us ever become secure enough and close enough to God so that we don't have to search the earth? We can get all that we need from the Creator who designed us to need in the first place.

So stepping back into reality, I'll continue to pay too much money for this all important knowledge that will one day place me in a such a status that I will be loved and respected, and will receive exactly what I've been looking for. So why is it when people get to that place, they aren't fulfilled? Did I miss something? Maybe we are not designed to receive love from just anyone. Maybe we are specifically designed to receive a certain love from a certain Creator. Well that's just great...cuz now I got loans out the trap, and when I get to that place of "status," I'll realize..."dang...all of this crap was just not worth it."

(By the way...this isn't a pic of the book I'm currently reading, but I plan to get to this one soon.)