Posts
So as you know, I am now attending David Lipscomb University for graduate school. Let me tell you...I'm lovin it so far as far as school goes. I mean, who can really love reading textbooks and taking tests, but aside from that, the school itself is pretty cool.
I was in my Research and Statistics class last Thursday bored out of my mind, so what do I do when I'm too bored to pay attend to important information that will be on the test??? Yup, I journal. So I'm sitting in the very front row where the prof. can see everything I'm doing and I pull out my bright pink journal. I don't think that bothered him much because prior to that I was just drawing random pictures on the syllabus he handed out about 60 minutes earlier. This is my Stats class journal entry:
I am going to a tiny tiny tiny Christian school in a tucked away section of Nashville, TN. I know what you're thinking. How close minded and conservative. #1. It's a Christian school. What kind of freedom can you have attending a Christian school? #2. Your high school was bigger and this college right? I know I know. But I love doing something different. I mean, I went from a high school class of 42, to a college of 23,000 students, back to a cohort of like...IDK...less than 100. I'm all over the map here.
I'm doodling in my journal, then a conversation catches my attention and peaks my interest. The prof is talking about how we have to not only pay attention to techniques in counseling and theory, but also be aware of the fact that people are more than physical beings. We have souls and minds and spirits that continuously impact our lives and others. This makes me think about how different Lipscomb is than MTSU (my Alma mater). MTSU is considered to be quite a liberal college. You can protest and picket any time you feel like it. You can play explicit music outside the very buildings in which you attend class. Your professor will cuss you out if you step outta line. Let me paint a picture of the MTSU Psychology dept. for you. After 4 years in that environment I think I've come across maybe 2 Christians...MAYBE. I can only think of one but I'm giving a bit of grace thinking maybe I'm forgetting someone. How do I know this? My Psychology professors at MTSU made it clear to their class their views on Christianity. Basically, it's silly. My professors proclaimed and shouted their Atheistic views and wore them proud like it was an American flag. I've seen professors single out Christian students and ask them crazy questions like "why would an all knowing God create someone who He knew would torture and kill numerous people?" How can you answer a question to which only God knows that answer? Right, you can't. So I witnessed professors attacking God for years, and of course back then I didn't want to speak up or anything because #1. Professors don't make good enemies. #2. I couldn't answer their "God" questions.
Fast forward some years to Lipscomb. We can freely talk about how we do or do not believe in God. We can talk about the statistics that back up the biological ideas of Psychology and then follow up. We can talk about how our relationship with God affects who we are as counselors.
So now which school is close minded? The one where professors either don't care and denounce God or tip toe around the issue because it's a thin line between opinion and getting a premature review with the dean of the Psych dept. Or is it the one where you are free to believe what you want, and even encouraged to seek answers outside what can be physically measured.
hmmm.....
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
August 27
So what's up with you?
Oh me?? Well I guess this is my blog. Well...nothing. Ok, some things, but I'm not having a very good time dealing with most of them.
#1. School. I am now attend David Lipscomb University for my Masters in Counseling. I know at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't having a good time dealing with most of my life's event right now but you know what? I enjoy school. It's something I'm very good at. I'm great at reading, remembering, discussing, comprehending, and evaluating different theorie
s of practice in Psychology. I sooo LOVE Lipscomb. It's a complete turn-around from MTSU. First off, I think I had ONE Christian Psych professor at MTSU. I mean, nearly all of them proclaimed to not believe in God. I guess when you see the worst parts of humanity it challenges every part of you. Well at Lipscomb, these people believe in God. On the first day we had a debate on whether or not a Christian should practice couples therapy on homosexual couples. I LOVE IT. I can't wait to step on some toes over at Lipscomb!! HAHA, jk. Y'all know I'm a hard core Christ lover, but never will I miss an opportunity to minister because John and Jane Doe aren't living the way my bible says they should. I mean dang...I ain't there yet either. My profs are encouraging us to figure out who we will be as counselors. What types of techniques will we use? What population(s) will we see? Will we even counsel, or be in administration or academia? I believe as far as Psychology goes, I'll be a counselor for teens and young adults. I think I'm gonna be that type of counselor who brings herself without the flashy degree to her sessions. I mean, let's face it. Most counselors think that just because they have some degrees, they're better at life. NOPE. Not a fact. In fact, most Psychologists see Psychologists on a weekly basis for their issues. I'm going into this field with my imperfect self, to give of myself and to learn from the people I see. So after this semester I'll have three more. December 2010 here I come!!! I plan on going for my doctorate...but Ima take that as it comes.
#2. Every day life. Lately it's been hard for me to find that "for no reason except I'm a child of God" joy. I mean...I have my good and GREAT days, and then I'll have a day like this. A day that I could take or leave. These days usually include me reflecting on my relationships with other people, reflecting on the money I'm spending on school, reflecting on why I am not where I want to be. I know, I'm only 21. But still...I have the same dreams and desires of a 31 year old (mostly), except I haven't had the time to achieve them. It seems like time is moving so fast sometimes, but I am going nowhere. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan, and if I'm walking in His will, I'll get to where He purposed for me to be, even if it does seem like I'm moving in slow motion. But hey, 1 day to the Lord is like 10,000 to you an
d me. Lately my relationships with some people have been strained. Not necessarily in a bad way. I mean, all things work for the good of those who love God, so of course there is purpose. BUT, I hate feeling like I put a lot into relationships and receive very little in return. I've felt this way with family and friends for the past year and I'm thinking #1. Maybe I expect too much from people. #2. Maybe I just need to get away and figure my own self out for a while. #3. Maybe I'm still acting as if I'm incapable of trusting others. I'm leaning towards #3, followed closely by #1, then #2 is around the corner. Lord...work...on...me!
#3. My mom. So my mom is having surgery here soon. There is a strong possibility of throat cancer (her results came back inconclusive 3 times!!) so she is getting her thyroid removed. The doctors won't know the severity of it all until she is actually on the operating table. When the doc first told me this I slick got a little attitude like..."why the HECK you gotta wait til you cut her open to find out whats up? Is this not 2000 and freakin 9 doc??" Then I have to remember, medicine has limitations. They are not magicians, and they are not gods. They are humans who do the best they can do with all the knowledge of the human body they have. The rest is God. I'm having a time with all of this because ever since I was super little I've had this crazy fear that my mom would die. I mean...if my mom went away for a while I'd imagine the worst possible thing that could happen. I actually remember thinking when I was about 12 that the day my mom dies, I want to die too, cuz I won't be able to take it. We have gone through close periods and not so close periods (at the time, we're closer than I think we've ever been). But when I look around, my mom is the only constant person walking on this Earth that I have. I don't know my father. My grandma is 88 and unfortunately unable to come to my rescue at times. My grandfather, 6 aunts and uncles, and innumerable cousins don't really know me. So that's it. My God, my mom, and me. That's all I really seem to have w
hen it comes down to it. Now, don't think I'm minimizing God's presence in my life, I'm not. But I love to have relationships. I love to be able to talk without having to fear that what I say will end up on somebodys facebook page somewhere. So it's been kinda hard. Like I said before, Lord...work...on...me!! Ok...so I have a couple bffs. 2, to be exact, but it's still hard because I haven't learned to completely trust, especially as of lately. SO yup...prayer this way please! :)
#4. Academics vs. dreams. I have always dreamed of being a musician. Seriously folks, if I could just play worship music every single day my life would be great. Blu21 had a GREAT time last Sunday in youth service at church. It was awesome. I want that every day!! From a young age, I've been very logical (maybe this is why it's hard for me to trust. It's quite illogical to trust anyone but yourself right??). So I had to pick a "career" path. I chose Psychology. Now I love it. I love people. I love studying people. I love learning from people. So if I HAD to choose a real "career" I'd be a Psychologist. But man...that day when I get the opportunity to live my dream...these textbooks and me gon have a bon fire to rival all bon fires.
#5. I miss my friends. I just ended a summer of complete joy. I saw Bebe and Cece in concert(actually I think I saw Cece like 3 or 4 times this summer lol). I went to Jamaica. Took some great road trips. Made some great friends. Graduated from college. And now the season has ended. It's always sooo hard for me to get back to business. Why can't I just take road trips and chill all day everyday? This is why God saw it fit for me not to be any kind of heiress with a ridiculous trust fund...Anjelica Crawford would not be doing to much...except for road trips and chillin. Summer 2009 has been my best!
Current favorite scriptures. Psalm 27 and Matthew 11. Psalm 27 calms every fear that I have...at least for a while. It's simply says no matter what I face, who I face, how lonely I get, the Lord will receive me. Thank you Jesus. Matthew 11. I am currently learning to learn OF Jesus. To come to Him for rest. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. What a life to live. Like I said....I'm learning.
Writing this blog has made me feel a little better about the day. I guess I just needed to work through some of the stuff that was making it's way through my head to put it in some kind of perspective.
Oh yea...tomorrow's my bday. Am I excited???!!!!!!! No. I kinda feel like I did around graduation time. I'm just not that into celebrations for me. I'd rather go to other peoples parties...
Alright...later
Call me...you know my name by now.
Oh me?? Well I guess this is my blog. Well...nothing. Ok, some things, but I'm not having a very good time dealing with most of them.
#1. School. I am now attend David Lipscomb University for my Masters in Counseling. I know at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't having a good time dealing with most of my life's event right now but you know what? I enjoy school. It's something I'm very good at. I'm great at reading, remembering, discussing, comprehending, and evaluating different theorie
s of practice in Psychology. I sooo LOVE Lipscomb. It's a complete turn-around from MTSU. First off, I think I had ONE Christian Psych professor at MTSU. I mean, nearly all of them proclaimed to not believe in God. I guess when you see the worst parts of humanity it challenges every part of you. Well at Lipscomb, these people believe in God. On the first day we had a debate on whether or not a Christian should practice couples therapy on homosexual couples. I LOVE IT. I can't wait to step on some toes over at Lipscomb!! HAHA, jk. Y'all know I'm a hard core Christ lover, but never will I miss an opportunity to minister because John and Jane Doe aren't living the way my bible says they should. I mean dang...I ain't there yet either. My profs are encouraging us to figure out who we will be as counselors. What types of techniques will we use? What population(s) will we see? Will we even counsel, or be in administration or academia? I believe as far as Psychology goes, I'll be a counselor for teens and young adults. I think I'm gonna be that type of counselor who brings herself without the flashy degree to her sessions. I mean, let's face it. Most counselors think that just because they have some degrees, they're better at life. NOPE. Not a fact. In fact, most Psychologists see Psychologists on a weekly basis for their issues. I'm going into this field with my imperfect self, to give of myself and to learn from the people I see. So after this semester I'll have three more. December 2010 here I come!!! I plan on going for my doctorate...but Ima take that as it comes.#2. Every day life. Lately it's been hard for me to find that "for no reason except I'm a child of God" joy. I mean...I have my good and GREAT days, and then I'll have a day like this. A day that I could take or leave. These days usually include me reflecting on my relationships with other people, reflecting on the money I'm spending on school, reflecting on why I am not where I want to be. I know, I'm only 21. But still...I have the same dreams and desires of a 31 year old (mostly), except I haven't had the time to achieve them. It seems like time is moving so fast sometimes, but I am going nowhere. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan, and if I'm walking in His will, I'll get to where He purposed for me to be, even if it does seem like I'm moving in slow motion. But hey, 1 day to the Lord is like 10,000 to you an
d me. Lately my relationships with some people have been strained. Not necessarily in a bad way. I mean, all things work for the good of those who love God, so of course there is purpose. BUT, I hate feeling like I put a lot into relationships and receive very little in return. I've felt this way with family and friends for the past year and I'm thinking #1. Maybe I expect too much from people. #2. Maybe I just need to get away and figure my own self out for a while. #3. Maybe I'm still acting as if I'm incapable of trusting others. I'm leaning towards #3, followed closely by #1, then #2 is around the corner. Lord...work...on...me!#3. My mom. So my mom is having surgery here soon. There is a strong possibility of throat cancer (her results came back inconclusive 3 times!!) so she is getting her thyroid removed. The doctors won't know the severity of it all until she is actually on the operating table. When the doc first told me this I slick got a little attitude like..."why the HECK you gotta wait til you cut her open to find out whats up? Is this not 2000 and freakin 9 doc??" Then I have to remember, medicine has limitations. They are not magicians, and they are not gods. They are humans who do the best they can do with all the knowledge of the human body they have. The rest is God. I'm having a time with all of this because ever since I was super little I've had this crazy fear that my mom would die. I mean...if my mom went away for a while I'd imagine the worst possible thing that could happen. I actually remember thinking when I was about 12 that the day my mom dies, I want to die too, cuz I won't be able to take it. We have gone through close periods and not so close periods (at the time, we're closer than I think we've ever been). But when I look around, my mom is the only constant person walking on this Earth that I have. I don't know my father. My grandma is 88 and unfortunately unable to come to my rescue at times. My grandfather, 6 aunts and uncles, and innumerable cousins don't really know me. So that's it. My God, my mom, and me. That's all I really seem to have w
hen it comes down to it. Now, don't think I'm minimizing God's presence in my life, I'm not. But I love to have relationships. I love to be able to talk without having to fear that what I say will end up on somebodys facebook page somewhere. So it's been kinda hard. Like I said before, Lord...work...on...me!! Ok...so I have a couple bffs. 2, to be exact, but it's still hard because I haven't learned to completely trust, especially as of lately. SO yup...prayer this way please! :)#4. Academics vs. dreams. I have always dreamed of being a musician. Seriously folks, if I could just play worship music every single day my life would be great. Blu21 had a GREAT time last Sunday in youth service at church. It was awesome. I want that every day!! From a young age, I've been very logical (maybe this is why it's hard for me to trust. It's quite illogical to trust anyone but yourself right??). So I had to pick a "career" path. I chose Psychology. Now I love it. I love people. I love studying people. I love learning from people. So if I HAD to choose a real "career" I'd be a Psychologist. But man...that day when I get the opportunity to live my dream...these textbooks and me gon have a bon fire to rival all bon fires.
#5. I miss my friends. I just ended a summer of complete joy. I saw Bebe and Cece in concert(actually I think I saw Cece like 3 or 4 times this summer lol). I went to Jamaica. Took some great road trips. Made some great friends. Graduated from college. And now the season has ended. It's always sooo hard for me to get back to business. Why can't I just take road trips and chill all day everyday? This is why God saw it fit for me not to be any kind of heiress with a ridiculous trust fund...Anjelica Crawford would not be doing to much...except for road trips and chillin. Summer 2009 has been my best!
Current favorite scriptures. Psalm 27 and Matthew 11. Psalm 27 calms every fear that I have...at least for a while. It's simply says no matter what I face, who I face, how lonely I get, the Lord will receive me. Thank you Jesus. Matthew 11. I am currently learning to learn OF Jesus. To come to Him for rest. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. What a life to live. Like I said....I'm learning.
Writing this blog has made me feel a little better about the day. I guess I just needed to work through some of the stuff that was making it's way through my head to put it in some kind of perspective.
Oh yea...tomorrow's my bday. Am I excited???!!!!!!! No. I kinda feel like I did around graduation time. I'm just not that into celebrations for me. I'd rather go to other peoples parties...
Alright...later
Call me...you know my name by now.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
No Reason to Smile
I am not the same as I was when I took my first steps.
I'm currently at work. Smiling for no particular reason other than...well, I'm me, God is God, and life is good. Lately I've been kind of sad and keeping to myself a bit more. I haven't really felt like chillin or talkin to people much. Well that's over.
I had a bad situation pop up, but that is all that it was; a bad situation. Things and people come and go like waves in an ocean, and just like the waves, you can't stop them. So I'm learning to let people be people, allow me to be me, and let God take care of everything in between. Isn't it funny how one instance can change your entire day, week, or even life. But what is life if not a series of instances designed and predestined to impact the next?
I'm at work listening to Ginny Owens and just started smiling for NO reason. I realized I haven't blogged in a while and just decided that I may just be in the mood to write one. My thought at this very moment: I have joy. I have the joy of the Lord and although nothing is currently going on I am just happy to know God and have another day to walk on this Earth and represent Him the best that I can. Is that not worth a smile?
Blu21
I haven't written about Blu21 in quite a while. I've been on a small mental break from Blu21 for a couple of reasons. I haven't felt like I was in a position to minister. So in Jamaica, Stix and I played probably 3 or 4 times at different things. The day after we arrived we ministered How Great is Our God at the church service in Kingston. I LOVED IT!!!! When we got up there I was nervous on the sly because there was a lot of people there and I HATE those moments when people are following you with your eyes as you make it to the stage. NERVE RACKING!!! But anyway, after we began, everyone worshipped, and I was free. I was free to tell God how GREAT He is. I forgot about everyone else in that room, even if it was only for a few moments. It was God and I. I opened my eyes for a bit and saw everyone with their hands lifted and giving the attention of which we so often rob Him. AWESOMENESS!!!
Then we ministered on and off with the band throughout the week. Our theme song was Indescribable by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song!! Everyone was like...omg I never wanna hear that song again. But I mean...think about those words:
Indescribable
Uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful
Untamable
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
The song is just about how GREAT and BIG and AWESOME our God is. I could never get tired of it. At one point Auntie Janeth (the founder of the organization we were serving with) asked me if I knew the song. I was like..."yea, I know the chorus." Then out of no where she called me up to sing it ALONE. OMG. Ok, so it wasn't out of no where. I mean looking back, why else would she ask me if I knew it? I wasn't thinking really. If I was I prolly woulda been like..."ummm nope. Sure don't." LOL
Blu21 also played at a service in the park in Chapelton. That night was powerful. There is something about being in nature to come see about God. I mean, I have experienced some powerful things in a building. God can sweep through a room and leave you on the ground, weighted down by the pressure of His glory. But when you are outside, no air conditioning, an abundance of bugs, clouds, wind, and voices lifted up to the sky in praises, you experience something different. It's like you are going to meet God instead of the other way around. That may not be the best way to describe it, but I don't know how else to. It's like being in God's habitat instead of Him coming into ours. Needless to say, I loved it. We ministered Broken; "I want to be broken before you." The sound was acting kinda funny, but I prayed before our performance that God remove any hindrances from my heart and rest on each word and note played. When I feel like I have laid down my worries, my mind, I feel like God has the opportunity to move.
At the end of the open air service, serval people came up for salvation. THAT IS THE POINT!! The point is not for people to hear you and give compliments. The points is not to fulfill some religious obligation to one another. The point is not to give God a few hours so we can rid ourselves of some feeling of duty or guilt. The point is to lead souls to Christ. Nothing is more important, and when I saw those people come up to that alter I felt this peace like...this is what it's about. It not about our feelings man. It's about this.
Today Blu21 ministered at the youth service at Born Again Church (My church home in Nashville). Ok, I'm sure you're tired of hearing me say this but...I LOVED IT!!! LOL I LOVED being down there watching the young folks just love God. We sang God I Love You. My FAVORITE Blu21 song. I love it because it's simply and it expresses everything that needs to be expressed; God I love you, God I need you, God I want you, I am nothing without you. I didn't actually play the guitar today. Stix was playin my electric so everyone could hear her more, and her acoustic that I was playing did not sound good with the electric. So I just held it and sang. (My string broke on my acoustic so I needs to go ahead and get me some strangs). Anywho...I LOVE just singing and not playing. First of all, I ain't got that kind of skill just yet where I can play and sing without strugglin just a lil bit. I am improving, but I'm not there yet. So I just sang. We received compliments which was cool of course. Those always feel good, but Sister Kitty said something that meant so much. She said that she knew our words were real and came from a deep and heartfelt place, and that they touched the kids. That's all that really mattered man. Bump all the compliments, they heard the words beyond my voice. They heard the notes because Stix strumming. They talked to God from their own personal place, and said some simple words: God I Love You.
I've got a few new songs that I've written for Blu21. I haven't played them all for Stix, but I will soon. I feel a lot better about playing again. Whatever was going on that was trying to attack our ministry did not succeed, simply because God says when enemies come they will stumble and fall (Psalm 27). So whatever the attack, in my mind or otherwise, it did not prosper. Thank you Jesus. I'm excited to see Stix's reaction to the songs. At first I thought they weren't Blu21 songs because the sound is very different from what we've written prior to, but we'll see if they end up under the Blu21 umbrella-ella-ella. (lol)
School
Well whats to say except...it starts tomorrow. I am going for my Masters in Counseling, which is cool. I'm excited to have that under my belt. It will only take 4 semesters. People say that undergrad is in many ways a greater challenge than many grad programs, so altogether I'm not nervous. But I am apprehensive about the whole thing cuz Lord knows that sometimes, I don't FREAKING feel like going to class, reading a textbook, writing a paper, listening to professors, paying THOUSANDS of dollars... But I also know that God is going to use this training as part of my ministry, otherwise I wouldn't feel to pressed to go. I mean...ain't one degree enough for a simple worship musician? lol...nope.. have you seen our economy??? LOL
So I'm going in prepared to study (hopefully. I've never really studies all that much before) and learn all that I need to learn in order to go to the next step. I'm ready God. I'll let y'all know how the first week goes.
I feel like some things are coming to an end. This has been a great summer. I've met wonderful people and developed GREAT relationships. So let's call it an end and move to the next phase...but only with you Jesus.
** I wonder if people get tired of reading about "God" and "Jesus" in my blogs??? Awww, I'm sorry, but if that's the case, stop reading my blogs. There is nothing else I'd rather talk about than God and how He reveals Himself in my life. SO, and I quote; "That's that on that" (Quote from Sophie, Melissa, and Sabrina).
I am not the same as I was when I took my first steps.
Call me Jel
Monday, August 17, 2009
Drama Anyone???
You know, one thing that I hate is unnecessary drama.
Case in point:
Recently I have had to deal with some people that...how should I say...betrayed my trust in a bad way. Now, I'm not one to hold a grudge, but this one hurt folks. But hey, when you give someone your trust I guess they're free to do with it what they want, but there is a line, and it was crossed, more than once.
My first reaction...I was hurt. A lot. I don't think I've ever been cut like that before. I mean I've been mistreated before, but this was just so unexpected. Second reaction...anger. I had to physically remove myself from the situation and chill at my moms for a quick min...at 3am!! Crazy I know. Never in life have I wanted to beat the mess outta someone soooo bad. But then that would have made it all worse, but I wasn't thinkin that at the time. So I got on the phone and got the hell out. Third reaction...hurt mixed with anger. The following day I expressed my feelings which helped, and gave myself some room to breathe.
SO, what to do now? I've received apologies from all parties involved. The first apology I took to heart. It was sincere, or at least I believe it was (I hope I'm not making a fool outta myself by attempting to place my trust in this person again). The fact that the person didn't make it completely about how sorry he was that I was hurt, and more about a self reflection and healing from God made it all the more believable to me. Truth be told, situations arise for a reason, and we have to get from it what we were meant to. If you don't, there's not point in any of it ever happening. So I believe that apologizer 1 is taking this situation to a place where our relationship can be mended and he/she will be better from it in the end.
The next apology that followed..."Sorry that you were hurt. But it was mostly in fun. We weren't serious. You perception was worse than it really was."
Proverbs 26: 18 Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows
19 is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!" He didn't stop there. He continued to say how is sucks that hopes that we can still be friends.
Now I'm not one to go and find bible verses to mold them to fit a situation or opinion, but this is plain as day. In fact, I didn't even find this...a friend randomly told me to read this. The chapter goes on to talk about how actions are a manifestation of deceit in one's heart.
I hate losing friends. It sucks...a lot!! But if I can't place my trust in you...isn't acquaintence a better word? Was it all sincere? Idk. But reading Proverbs, I'm seeing some parallels that I wish weren't there. But then again, why lose a friend when you don't have to. I haven't sat down with this person yet...this is to come.
I am no longer mad (thank you God). For the past two days I've really been praying because I know that when I'm really pissed at someone, they gets no respect. So because that is so unlike Jesus, I've been praying for a change of heart concerning this situation.
So...Is is wrong of me to not trust apologizer #2 again? I've got a funny feeling about that one...Tryna use some wisdom here.
Case in point:
Recently I have had to deal with some people that...how should I say...betrayed my trust in a bad way. Now, I'm not one to hold a grudge, but this one hurt folks. But hey, when you give someone your trust I guess they're free to do with it what they want, but there is a line, and it was crossed, more than once.
My first reaction...I was hurt. A lot. I don't think I've ever been cut like that before. I mean I've been mistreated before, but this was just so unexpected. Second reaction...anger. I had to physically remove myself from the situation and chill at my moms for a quick min...at 3am!! Crazy I know. Never in life have I wanted to beat the mess outta someone soooo bad. But then that would have made it all worse, but I wasn't thinkin that at the time. So I got on the phone and got the hell out. Third reaction...hurt mixed with anger. The following day I expressed my feelings which helped, and gave myself some room to breathe.
SO, what to do now? I've received apologies from all parties involved. The first apology I took to heart. It was sincere, or at least I believe it was (I hope I'm not making a fool outta myself by attempting to place my trust in this person again). The fact that the person didn't make it completely about how sorry he was that I was hurt, and more about a self reflection and healing from God made it all the more believable to me. Truth be told, situations arise for a reason, and we have to get from it what we were meant to. If you don't, there's not point in any of it ever happening. So I believe that apologizer 1 is taking this situation to a place where our relationship can be mended and he/she will be better from it in the end.
The next apology that followed..."Sorry that you were hurt. But it was mostly in fun. We weren't serious. You perception was worse than it really was."
Proverbs 26: 18 Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows
19 is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!" He didn't stop there. He continued to say how is sucks that hopes that we can still be friends.
Now I'm not one to go and find bible verses to mold them to fit a situation or opinion, but this is plain as day. In fact, I didn't even find this...a friend randomly told me to read this. The chapter goes on to talk about how actions are a manifestation of deceit in one's heart.
I hate losing friends. It sucks...a lot!! But if I can't place my trust in you...isn't acquaintence a better word? Was it all sincere? Idk. But reading Proverbs, I'm seeing some parallels that I wish weren't there. But then again, why lose a friend when you don't have to. I haven't sat down with this person yet...this is to come.
I am no longer mad (thank you God). For the past two days I've really been praying because I know that when I'm really pissed at someone, they gets no respect. So because that is so unlike Jesus, I've been praying for a change of heart concerning this situation.
So...Is is wrong of me to not trust apologizer #2 again? I've got a funny feeling about that one...Tryna use some wisdom here.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Speak to the nations
So update on my last blog "Watch Your Life to See Where It's Going."
I fasted yesterday and it was the hardest fast of my life. By midnight I was sooo tired and weak. I didn't know what the heck was going on. I don't even remember the drive home from work. Man ALL I could do was pray. I focused on two things during the course of my fast, one being clear direction.
So you all know that I have a great desire to live in another part of the world for the purpose of helping underprivileged children receive an education. Well I really took that to God yesterday and He told me what was up. I can basically go anywhere I want. I have a great academic track record and I could always go anywhere under the cover of school. I have an opportunity to work with a non-profit in Aussie Land. But you know what God said...He told me to chill out. He said that there is a time He has for me to go, but this opportunity will come and I will not have to go searching for it. And there it is...God will bring exactly what He has for me in His time, so until then....school starts in 2 weeks. lol
God always speaks
~~~~~~~~~
This blog is real random by the way....
I was listening to a song called Speak to the Nations and it moved me soooo much. Check out these words:
We speak to nations/Be open/We speak to nations/Fall on your knees/We speak to nations/The kingdom is coming near to you/we speak to strongholds/Be broken/Power of darkness/You have to flee/We speak to nations/The kingdom is coming near to you/We speak to you/Be free be free
I believe that it is so important to speak about God where ever you go. Many people are ashamed to talk about God for fear of appearing all extra holy, being alienated, or not fitting in. Revelations 12:11 says that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. It is imperative that we as the body of Christ make ourselves available to tell everyone about God. Otherwise why are we here? Whats the point? To make a lot of money and accrue things that we can't take with us?
We should feel empowered to empowered others. We should speak to strongholds and tell them to be broken. No longer should we be held tight by the constraints that the world puts on us. I for one do not enjoy feeling as if I am not accomplishing anything, or that I'm lacking something. I know I'm only 21, but you know what? There are 81 year olds who've been saved for 71 years who've known the preacher for 61 years who've sat in the same seat for 51 years who've baptised kids in the church for 41 years and who've been sittin on the mothers board for 31 years, and still can't speak with authority and tread over serpents and scorpions (Luke 10:19). I don't plan on going the way of the average saint. I want to speak, and chains be broken. John 14 says that we should do even greater works than those Jesus performed. Why settle for less when God gives us more?
I refuse to get caught up in tradition and the world's reality. I don't want to go to church because that's just what you do on Sundays. I don't want to read the bible just so others can see that I can quote scripture. It has nothing to do with the opinions of those in or out of the church. We are here to bring glory to the Father, and how can we do that if we won't speak of Him and perform the works that He has called us to? That's right, we can't.
God always speaks
~~~~~~~~~~
Moving on. Jamaica. The best thing about the Jamaica is the desire that the kids had for God. They came to camp to see each other and to have fun, but when it came down to it, they were thirsty for God. High School is not free in Jamaica. Food and water are not guaranteed for many. Justice in not always in practice. These kids were aware of that, and yet they came out everyday, waiting to see God move. So many of their hearts were touched. Wanna know how I know that? There were times when people from our church would get up and speak about certain things and I KNEW that a lot of those kids were not understanding what was being said, but when the spirit of the Lord fell those kids were arrested in His presence. They would cry and be utterly taken back by the weight of God. Everyday they came expecting to see God. Not only in a great move, but in us, the volunteers. They watched us so closely to see what a Christian is. They were like little sponges, ready to soak up everything tossed their way. They were thirsty for the truth.
~~~~~~~
It feels good to blog again
Call me Jel
I fasted yesterday and it was the hardest fast of my life. By midnight I was sooo tired and weak. I didn't know what the heck was going on. I don't even remember the drive home from work. Man ALL I could do was pray. I focused on two things during the course of my fast, one being clear direction.
So you all know that I have a great desire to live in another part of the world for the purpose of helping underprivileged children receive an education. Well I really took that to God yesterday and He told me what was up. I can basically go anywhere I want. I have a great academic track record and I could always go anywhere under the cover of school. I have an opportunity to work with a non-profit in Aussie Land. But you know what God said...He told me to chill out. He said that there is a time He has for me to go, but this opportunity will come and I will not have to go searching for it. And there it is...God will bring exactly what He has for me in His time, so until then....school starts in 2 weeks. lol
God always speaks
~~~~~~~~~
This blog is real random by the way....
I was listening to a song called Speak to the Nations and it moved me soooo much. Check out these words:
We speak to nations/Be open/We speak to nations/Fall on your knees/We speak to nations/The kingdom is coming near to you/we speak to strongholds/Be broken/Power of darkness/You have to flee/We speak to nations/The kingdom is coming near to you/We speak to you/Be free be free
I believe that it is so important to speak about God where ever you go. Many people are ashamed to talk about God for fear of appearing all extra holy, being alienated, or not fitting in. Revelations 12:11 says that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. It is imperative that we as the body of Christ make ourselves available to tell everyone about God. Otherwise why are we here? Whats the point? To make a lot of money and accrue things that we can't take with us?
We should feel empowered to empowered others. We should speak to strongholds and tell them to be broken. No longer should we be held tight by the constraints that the world puts on us. I for one do not enjoy feeling as if I am not accomplishing anything, or that I'm lacking something. I know I'm only 21, but you know what? There are 81 year olds who've been saved for 71 years who've known the preacher for 61 years who've sat in the same seat for 51 years who've baptised kids in the church for 41 years and who've been sittin on the mothers board for 31 years, and still can't speak with authority and tread over serpents and scorpions (Luke 10:19). I don't plan on going the way of the average saint. I want to speak, and chains be broken. John 14 says that we should do even greater works than those Jesus performed. Why settle for less when God gives us more?
I refuse to get caught up in tradition and the world's reality. I don't want to go to church because that's just what you do on Sundays. I don't want to read the bible just so others can see that I can quote scripture. It has nothing to do with the opinions of those in or out of the church. We are here to bring glory to the Father, and how can we do that if we won't speak of Him and perform the works that He has called us to? That's right, we can't.
God always speaks
~~~~~~~~~~
Moving on. Jamaica. The best thing about the Jamaica is the desire that the kids had for God. They came to camp to see each other and to have fun, but when it came down to it, they were thirsty for God. High School is not free in Jamaica. Food and water are not guaranteed for many. Justice in not always in practice. These kids were aware of that, and yet they came out everyday, waiting to see God move. So many of their hearts were touched. Wanna know how I know that? There were times when people from our church would get up and speak about certain things and I KNEW that a lot of those kids were not understanding what was being said, but when the spirit of the Lord fell those kids were arrested in His presence. They would cry and be utterly taken back by the weight of God. Everyday they came expecting to see God. Not only in a great move, but in us, the volunteers. They watched us so closely to see what a Christian is. They were like little sponges, ready to soak up everything tossed their way. They were thirsty for the truth.
~~~~~~~
It feels good to blog again
Call me Jel
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Watch Your Life to See Where It's Going
So I've returned from Jamaica. I have good and not-so-good feelings about this.
The good:
I get to see my family and friends again. I know I was only gone like 10 days, but it fa real felt like a month. Not because I didn't enjoy myself, but because I was constantly moving.
I get to tell my stories and share my battle scars (mosquito bites :) with everyone.
The bad:
I miss the kids and the other young adults so bad. They were really refreshing to me. Their love for God made me feel at home. I could have stayed so much longer.
I'm not on the salt water beach, jumping waves, and feeling the sun on my skin.
I'm not enjoying all the free food and drinks I want. A girl could get use to that.
So this is where I am: kinda lost. I have known for a really long time that God did not mean for me to stay in one place. I was 16 the first time I left the country for an extended period of time. Unlike all of my classmates, I was not homesick. I was amazed by the history and architecture of France. I could have traveled those old cobblestone streets forever. BUT, eventually it came time for me to go home. I moved to a different part of the country when I was 17 for college and I can count on one hand the number of times I've been homesick.
I know what you're thinking. That I'm a cold hearted young one who does not care for her family. Not true. I love my family so much!! But, it is true that I begin to feel uncomfortable if I'm in the same place for too long, and that uncomfortableness turns into dissatisfaction. I LOVE Nashville. I want to start my family and grow old here. But meanwhile, I have this desire to go to the corners of the Earth and share God and education with kids who were never thought to have had a chance. I know that this is a God-given desire, and this is why I can be so okay with being in places I've never been and being around people I don't know. I love to watch people and learn from them. I find the best place to do that is somewhere you've never been.
So anyway, for a while I've really been thinking about working with a non-profit organization in Australia called Mission Australia. I've made several contacts there and even found a department in which I could work, granting that the government renews the grants for this educational program. Now other opportunities may be on the horizon and you know what? I've realized that I'll go anywhere God tells me to. I have no problem relocated, as long as I can eventually come home to Nashville. This desire is growing, which makes me think that a change is soon to come.
I've known so many people that do not end up doing what they dreamed because they did not move when they had the chance. I don't want to end up working some mediocre job that I dread going to every morning because I didn't seize an opportunity that was afforded to me.
So what it is Anjelica? Whats the confusion about? I need to hear from God. I want to know where He wants me to go. I know that He is preparing me. I don't know when, and I don't know where but I know that I will be listening to God intently. (Jeremiah 11:29)
So I am planning to write about my experience in Jamaica, but not in this blog. I am still reflecting, praying, and even fasting (today) about the whole thing. I refuse to experience something so great and leave it without getting everything from it that God desires for me to have. So stay tuned for Jamaica from my point of view.
Watch your life to see where it's going ~Maxlene Joy, Jamaica
Call Me Jel
The good:
I get to see my family and friends again. I know I was only gone like 10 days, but it fa real felt like a month. Not because I didn't enjoy myself, but because I was constantly moving.
I get to tell my stories and share my battle scars (mosquito bites :) with everyone.
The bad:
I miss the kids and the other young adults so bad. They were really refreshing to me. Their love for God made me feel at home. I could have stayed so much longer.
I'm not on the salt water beach, jumping waves, and feeling the sun on my skin.
I'm not enjoying all the free food and drinks I want. A girl could get use to that.
So this is where I am: kinda lost. I have known for a really long time that God did not mean for me to stay in one place. I was 16 the first time I left the country for an extended period of time. Unlike all of my classmates, I was not homesick. I was amazed by the history and architecture of France. I could have traveled those old cobblestone streets forever. BUT, eventually it came time for me to go home. I moved to a different part of the country when I was 17 for college and I can count on one hand the number of times I've been homesick.
I know what you're thinking. That I'm a cold hearted young one who does not care for her family. Not true. I love my family so much!! But, it is true that I begin to feel uncomfortable if I'm in the same place for too long, and that uncomfortableness turns into dissatisfaction. I LOVE Nashville. I want to start my family and grow old here. But meanwhile, I have this desire to go to the corners of the Earth and share God and education with kids who were never thought to have had a chance. I know that this is a God-given desire, and this is why I can be so okay with being in places I've never been and being around people I don't know. I love to watch people and learn from them. I find the best place to do that is somewhere you've never been.
So anyway, for a while I've really been thinking about working with a non-profit organization in Australia called Mission Australia. I've made several contacts there and even found a department in which I could work, granting that the government renews the grants for this educational program. Now other opportunities may be on the horizon and you know what? I've realized that I'll go anywhere God tells me to. I have no problem relocated, as long as I can eventually come home to Nashville. This desire is growing, which makes me think that a change is soon to come.
I've known so many people that do not end up doing what they dreamed because they did not move when they had the chance. I don't want to end up working some mediocre job that I dread going to every morning because I didn't seize an opportunity that was afforded to me.
So what it is Anjelica? Whats the confusion about? I need to hear from God. I want to know where He wants me to go. I know that He is preparing me. I don't know when, and I don't know where but I know that I will be listening to God intently. (Jeremiah 11:29)
So I am planning to write about my experience in Jamaica, but not in this blog. I am still reflecting, praying, and even fasting (today) about the whole thing. I refuse to experience something so great and leave it without getting everything from it that God desires for me to have. So stay tuned for Jamaica from my point of view.
Watch your life to see where it's going ~Maxlene Joy, Jamaica
Call Me Jel
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