Enoch

Genesis 5:20-24

When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died. When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.

I have my favorites in the bible. I love Joseph. I love Mary Magdalene. Actually, I identify more with Mary M. than any other person in the bible. I mean, think about it, she worshipped God beyond what others thought, she worshipped God through her pain and tears. She worshipped God beyond everything she felt, and gave EVERYTHING to him; washed His feet with her tears man! She brought everything to Him. And He forgave her not because she deserved it by what she had done, but because she surrendered everything, gave up everything, to worship. (Luke 7)

But, Enoch is the most fascinating person in the Bible to me. I wish there was more written about him. Just this short passage in Genesis, plus one in Hebrews: By faith, Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God (Hebrews 11:5), and a few of his wise words were revisited in Jude.

I read a book called the Secret Place (see earlier blog), and it introduced me to Enoch. He walked with God. I'm not talkin like...he spoke to God every once in a while, or even he sought Him often. This man WALKED with God. God knew Him, and he knew God. This man knew God so much that he didn't die like regular people (lol), God straight up took him so he would not experience death. He was so tight with God that he didn't even have to die, AFTER living 365 years on earth. Hebrews phrases Enoch's departure from this earth in such a way that I draw this magnificent mental picture:

Enoch was just walking with God, talking with God, and God was talking and walking with Enoch. They talked as they walked into the horizon full of brilliant colors like red and blue and yellow. Enoch had no idea where he was going, all that he knew is that he was with God, and God was with him, and he trusted God to lead him where ever they were going. They walked past streams and flowers that had beauty that could not be captured by photo or drawing, or even description. They walked into a horizon that led straight up to heaven, where Enoch is right now, STILL walking and talking with God.

What were his walks with God like?

Did he simply find a quiet place to sit and talk to God, and listen for His voice? Did God interrupt him during the day to chat? Did Enoch see God, as me or you might see one another? Could Enoch reach out and touch God? What did they talk about? What led Enoch to draw so close to God? What led God to choose Enoch to draw so close to? Which leads me to my next question...

Does not God desire to be this close with all of us?

And then to my next question...

Did Enoch miss anything here on earth?

When I think of what Enoch must have been like, I HAVE to smile. I believe that Enoch loved God so much, that if he never anything of this earth again, that would be ok, because all he wanted was to be with God. Most of us seek God for His revelations and power, and there is nothing wrong with that. God wants to reveal to us things from His well of revelation and give us power to do amazing things on this earth. But Enoch? I believe that he wanted past knowledge and revelation, He wanted God. He valued the things of God, but he wanted God himself. I'm positive God revealed things to Enoch about which others had no clue, but Enoch was not satisfied with just that knowledge, he wanted more. He wanted God. He wanted His face.

If I were given the opportunity by God to leave this earth today, right now, without notice to my friends or family, without a chance to perform with BLU21 in front of thousands of youth worshipping God, without walking across a stage to receive my doctorate, without saying "I do", without seeing the face of my first child, would I go? Would I give up everything on this earth for God? Yes, because even though God can bless me right now with my every desire and put me in a place where I would never want for anything, the answer is yes. I won't just have the things and physical manifestations of God, I'd have God.

I want to walk with God like Enoch walked with God, and by faith, be taken up with God.

I dream of one day walking with God as Enoch did. Just chillin with God, and loving Him so much and trusting Him so much that I just walked and walked, "and was with God, and was no more."

~Jel~

A Prayer for 6.25.09

Current mood: Real Mellow Yellow man

Current activity: doing what some people call "working"

You know what I love to do sometimes?? Write out my prayers. That could be seen as a bit weird, cuz like...it takes more time to formulate the phrases in your mind, and then write (or type) them, when you could have just whispered them to God in the first place. But I love to look back at old prayers. It's kinda like looking back at old journal entries; a bit embarrassing, but still intriguing. So anyway....

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Thank you God for making me smile. Looking back over just today, you have filled my day with mercy and blessings. To wake up and see the sun is mercy in itself. Thank you God that even though every single day I fall short of the mark you have placed in front of me, you are still patient and you continue to show me undeserved grace.

Thank you Father for the people you have put in my life. People that not only profess to love you, but actually live like they love you. Thank you for an amazing roommate, friend, and band member. I pray that you keep Stix and bless her with every desire of her heart. Continue to hold and keep Melissa, Sophie, Sabrina, Renee, AJ and Lola . I pray that you hold their enemies at bay, and that each day they continue to grow closer and closer to you. I pray that each of their dreams comes true as they keep exploring your will for their lives. Thank you for AJ's humble heart. Thank you for Sabrina's laughter. Thank you for Melissa's oh so funny facial expressions and groundedness (I think I just made that word up?). Thank you for Sophie's passion for the things of God and her smile. I thank you for Lola's discernment. Thank you for Whit-Whit. Thank you that there is nothing I cannot tell her. Thank you God that she knows my heart, the good and the not so good, and she sees me how you see me Father.

Lord I pray that tomorrow I will be closer to you than I am today. I pray God that I catch the revelations you are revealing to me. I pray that even above all the knowledge of the things of God that one could have, that my greatest desire is you. I pray that even when I sleep I think of you. I pray that even in moments of heartache and distress, and even when I'm straight up pissed off at the world, I STILL stop to think...My God, WWJD!

Father I pray that I hear what you are saying. I pray that I move when you tell me to move, and never before or after. I pray that I understand your perfect will for my life. Each decision I make, Father I will bring it to you first. I pray for patience to wait on your words. I know that if I simply follow the steps you have already laid for me, there is nothing that I cannot do.

Purify those hidden dark places Lord that I have yet to recognize. Lord bring to the surface everything that is not like you, so that I can be made aware, and bring it to you. Give me a heart like yours God, so I can love like you love, forgive like you forgive, and give like you give. Clean my hands of every impurity, so that I can do your work with a grateful and humble heart.

Forgive me of every moment that I acted without consulting you. Forgive of every time my actions did not reflect you. Forgive me of each instance that I did not direct any praise and glory right back to you, because you alone are deserving of it.

Thank you God that my prayers do not go unheard or unanswered.

All of these things I ask in Jesus' name,

Amen

Signed, Yours

Father's Day

Ya know...I don't think I have ever had a good Father's Day. Each year I dread Father's Day for two reasons. #1. People who really know my life are extra concerned and feel the need to check up on me. #2. I may need to be checked up on because this day can bring some crappy feelings my way.

Background: I don't know my father (thank God for Jesus and counseling).

When I moved away from home at 17 and came to college I had to make some major decisions. It was the 2nd Sunday in September 2005 when I decided that I was either going to give these feelings of rejection and self consciousness to God or I was going to simple live a life that full of e. I decided to give it all to God, but I didn't realize that I had to give it all and not just part of it.

Now let me say, over the past four years I have come to know God in a way that I never could have imagined. He has sustained me in every way. No matter what kind of impossible situation I was in (and I've had a few), He has kept me through each and every one of them.

Only recently (the past year or so) have I learned to allow God to fill the voids in my life that other people have not been able to. I have learned what it means to trust God with my heart. I have learned that God will keep me in everything and there is no reason to ever fear because I can rest and fall safe in Him. He is my strong tower (Psalm 61:3), my safe guard, my source of strength, life, joy, and all that necessary stuff that is entailed in an abundant life (John 10:10). So over the past few years He has been doing some major surgery on my heart, and today I feel like it is beating for it's first Father's Day without being on life support. By this I mean in the past, God really had to send His ministering angels to me on this day because plain and simple, it was hard. Today, I was not sad or bitter or self conscious. Today was not hard. Today I was grateful.

When I learned to trust God, I learned to trust Him with everything, including this void that I've carried with me my entire life. I now know how to take my hurt to Him. I know Him now as my Father. He talks to me, He provides for me, He loves me beyond myself, He sees my potential past my flaws, and He even rebukes me.

All week I have been wondering, "I wonder how I will feel on Father's Day 2009. I wonder if I will be sad. I wonder if my heart will be hard." Nope, none of that. I entered into His courts with praise and into His gates with thanksgiving. Today I witnessed something; God is raising up such an army of men that are taking back their territory from the enemy and setting their houses in order. I was grateful for every man and his family, and the lives that he touches. I was grateful that no longer are people comfortably sitting on the sidelines watching our men fall and our children fail right out of the starting gate. It's a new day.

Most of all I was grateful that my Father loves me. Had my life not been exactly how it is, I would have never reached for God the way that I do. I am so desperate for Him, and I thank Him for everything that has made me that way. I thank Him for every holiday that my father wasn't there. I thank him for every graduation and award ceremony that my father was not there. I'm grateful for every time I felt less, because each one of those moments pushed me closer to God.

My heart has been healed of something that for so long created the biggest scar that only closed to reopen. God is my great Healer. I love that God is so big and strong that He is to me and you whatever we need Him to be; a mother, a father, a deliverer, a teacher, a healer, a friend...this list can go on forever (and I'm at work right now and I ain't tryna go in lol). But just know that every single time someone you love or miss or have a hardened heart toward hurts you or lets you down, it's just an opportunity for God to show you that He is your everything.

Trust Him

~Call ME JEl~

P.S. So this is SUCH a journal entry (LOL) and I'm like...do I wanna put this on my BLOG?? Cuz like...ya know, it's kinda personal. IDK, so I'm just gonna put it up. Actually, I don't feel like getting out my journal, locating a pen, and writing all of this. Typing is so much easier. Ahhh laziness...

All In A Day

Hey folks,

So keeping up to date with BLU21...

We will be playing in Jamaica!! Whoohooo. So our friends are pretty big supporters of our band, so word got around to Sis. Kitty about BLU21 and that's all she needed to hear. She keeps mentioning that we will be playing at the camp and she can't wait to hear us. I can't wait for her to hear us either. I can't wait to play and sing with those kids. I really pray that God will use our music. Someone described our sound as pure and when I think of "pure" I think about very honest and open...I pray that this music will touch the hearts of people. Stix and I have kinda been on a little break, but not intentionally. We are both working pretty much non-stop and it's hard to find a time to just play like we used to. We would both just be chillin at the house talkin and would just start playin out the blue (out the BLU21 that is LOL, that really wasn't all that funny), and we would come up with our songs. Now we actually have to schedule times to rehearse. We tried that before but it didn't work...lol...but we got it this time. Saturday night; 1 solid hour. I'll let you know how it goes.

Now for last night. I went to this service at Born Again. It was pretty awesome. MIHI (Made In His Image) is having a conference this week and are having some really great events. I love to see men pouring their spiritual knowledge into other men and encouraging each other. There is not nearly enough of that among men, nor among women, so it's great to see people working so hard to make that change. After the service we were chillaxin for a bit and then realized...hey..Cece is still here. Maybe we can talk to her!! But first Sabrina decided to do me a favor...she screamed Leanne Palmore's name so she'd stop and talk. Now I call this a favor because I freaking love Leanne Palmore. Her voice is so incredible, and although most people I know don't actually know who she is...I don't care cuz she's still incredible. Her voice has so much feeling in it. Now I don't know her in real life...like everyday off the stage kinda life...but hey, maybe I don't need to. I just really LOVE to hear and see her sing.

So after talkin with Leanne something happened that I will never forget in my entire life...although I can't really remember all the details because my mind was not with me. I mean it all happened so fast. Like...I was just standing there one minute and then the next minute my whole perceptual take on my environment kinda shifted into this skewed arrangement of random people and objects in my peripheral vision as my focus was captured by none other than...Cece freakin Winans man!! Sabrina was in her car (actually it's a 'Rover) talkin to her and I was standing with Melissa, Stix, and another lady from church. We were just talkin about all of a sudden the passenger side window rolled down, Cece leaned out and goes..."Stix and Anjelica." Now this is what Stix heard. I coulda swore I heard her say "hey Anjelica, hey Stix" but I could be sooo wrong. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm wrong. Y'all I don't know. So here where you need to pay attention, because this is where I stopped. Remember the lady from church I told you that we were talking to..yea, she dissipated into thin air. She was right there and then, well, I just didn't see her no more. Then Stix RAN. I mean, she turned around and freakin ran in the other direction. Ok...so that was the last I saw of Stix. And Melissa, well, I knew she was there cuz I think I heard her snickering at us...but I couldn't see her. All I saw was Cece.

Let me clarify, I am not idolizing Cece okay? She is incredible and she believes in prayer, purity, holiness, and worship. PLUS her voice...amazing. Her stage presence...amazing. Her new hair cut...fly. Her make-up...flawless. So this encompassment of holiness, amazingness, fly hair, a voice like no other (you're getting the picture right), I was struck man.

Ok, so then so goes..."is that y'alls real names?" I was like..."my name is Anjelica...that's Jessica." I remember pointing in the direction that I last saw Jessica, but I had no idea where she actually was. I did not take my eyes off Cece for probably a whole minute...I'm talkin bout I didn't even blink! I'm so embarrassed thinking about it now because I know that I looked like a straight-up star struck fan. Shoot I AM a fan. I wish I coulda seen my face...cuz I know...there was NO expression...blank. I just KNOW it!

You'll be pleased to know that after that minute of skewed perception my wits came back and I was able to move. I moved to look through the window at Sabrina. Later Sabrina said that she told Cece that we loved her...hmm...but I have a feeling that's not all she said, right Sabrina? LOL The only reason I think this is because Sabrina told Leanne that I follow her runs, I saw her in the mall and was thrilled...but honey I love Leanne too much to be embarrassed by that. So I didn't care...and she coulda told Cece anything, I still don't care.

Melissa somehow got to my right side...how? I don't know. I think she floated over there (y'all she could have turned into a bunny and hopped over there, and then turned BACK into Melissa...I would not have noticed it). Melissa then tells Cece how we're in MSK and Cece gives this little "whooo MSK" call thingy. And then I forgot was else everybody was saying. Fast forward to the end of the conversation..."it was so nice to meet you." By that time I could talk...so I said something of the effect of it was nice to meet you too. Where the HECK was Jessica??!! Then we said bye...well I assumed we did, cuz I can't really remember.

All in all, it was a hilarious, great couple of minutes. I love Cece Winans LMBO!

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Fast forward to today.

I work at the counseling place and have been putting in some real hours here outside of my other job. I see quite a lot in terms of people and how they behave in certain situations and around certain people. I also see people who can't control how they behave...or choose not to. SO, today a married couple came in for counseling and they didn't even sit on the same side of the ROOM. I don't know how long they've been married or anything...I didn't read their file. BUT they would not look at each, sit near each other, nothing. Then she came up to the window to ask a question and she had the BIGGEST rock on her finger man. Girl, money don't solve not one problem with the heart.

That got me thinkin about marriage. Only very recently have I been thinking about what it would be like to be married. A lot of my friends from high school, and now college are married. What would I be like married? Would I be attentive to my husband? Would I put him before me? Would we pray together everyday? How fine EXACTLY will he be? LOL How happy could I make him on a daily basis?

I have not seriously dated since high school...and then I only dated one guy....during my entire high school life. I mean...I've gone out on dates, but never interested in a serious relationship. (Foolishly dating for no reason has lead to a whole bunch of annoying boys who I've had to be quite rude to...all my fault though). Has that changed now? I don't know.

I believe that God is teaching me every day. Preparing me for the time when I will be married. I am learning the importance of order, submission, and holiness. And it's so funny cuz God will use the most unlikely people to teach me things that I will carry for the rest of my life.

All Anjelica knows is she ain't bout to rush. I want to be under full direction of God, because the last thing in the world that I want is to end up like this couple sitting in the office in front of me right now, pretending that the other does not exist. Now they are making an attempt to work on their relationship...otherwise they would not be here. But still, I want to get it right. I want to be the first person in my family to get it right (nope, the Crawfords havn't had a successful marriage yet...and I have a big family...plenty of chances). I will be different. God says I will be different.

~Call me jeL~

...or Anjelica, or Jelly (which is most popular) :)

A blog about nothing...really

Well, it's super late...or super early; however you want to look at it. I have not had a night where I didn't have somewhere to be early in the morning so I feel kinda weird. Like...shouldn't I be in bed, but wait; why?

I'm sure you can tell by now that this blog has no definite direction. In fact, I'm not really sure what the next line is going to be. Here it is: I'm grateful.

I'm home alone just thinking about how much grace and mercy God has shown me and it makes me smile. I feel as if God has been orchestrating every single moment of my life to get me to this point; sitting at home, alone, writing a blog about nothing :)

I haven't told you much about me huh? Well, I'm from Iowa (yes it is really, it borders a whole bunch of other states ;) I grew up in a very diverse town (black, white, Mexican, and Bosnian mostly). I however, went to school in a different town. For some reason, resources still have yet to trickle down to the school systems that are most in need of them. Through attending Northern University High School in Cedar Falls, Iowa, I was able to see the world. My first plane ride was on a trip to France, where I stayed with a non-English speaking family. My first boyfriend lived around the corner from me. I feel bad because we were always so close, and then I up and moved 700 miles away. But you know what? I don't really feel bad because although we were close, neither of us wanted a real relationship. We wanted to travel and see things that we had never seen and do things that we had never done. We'll see each other again...

My mother is the youngest of seven and absolutely gorgeous. Hold on while I get of facebook to find a picture of her...ok, got one. She is the one with the extra big smile on the right. My aunt Sylvia is on the left. So I grew up in a pretty tight-knit family that talked all the time and were constantly around each other, but never real talked about much that mattered. The Crawfords are a very closed off people. We know how to smile and have the world running through our minds. My mother and my grandmother raised me. Ok, gotta get a pic of grandma. So that's my grandma lookin like she just shot the sheriff, and WISHES you would say sumn about it. ( I couldn't find another pic on my computer. She'd be mad...good thing one doesn't make it a habit of blogging at 89). My mother and my grandmother are my roots. They hold me back and catapult me into an endless sky at the same time. Only the people you truly love have the ability to do that to you.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a very large family. My grandparents had a ridiculous number of kids. Oh yea, my grandpa. I love him. He is the one you go to for stories. He will never stop talkin about his folks who grew up on some islands near North Carolina and worked on rice farms. I gotta get that whole story one day. The last time I was home, I saw it as a mortal place that changes and continues to look different...or maybe it stays the same as I become different. There was a HUGE flood about two years ago...it ruined so much. It changed so many lives. I would watch the coverage everyday on the news as I prayed for my family and all I could seem to think was...how in the H....world (excuse me) did IOWA get to be under water??? I still don't know, but hey, I rest in the fact that God knows. That's good enough for me these days. I haven't been back since.

I have one brother. We were thick as thieves growin up, then of course he thought he was grown and didn't want to hang out with his sister 4 years his junior. So we grew apart. Only now like 10 years later are we beginning to have conversations about nothing...but just talking because for the longest time...it was just us two. We looked out for one another in an environment that didn't understand us. My father?? Well, he did QUITE the disappearing act. I mean...it was amazing. Growing up I was pretty angry that my father wasn't with me cuz like...that crap ain't fair right?? In fact, I was angry enough to be receiving counseling at a ridiculously young age. Well I grew to learn to mask my feelings until I grew to learn that a healing was necessary. I also grew to learn that healing is a looooonnnnggg process, and it continues today.

So right after I returned from France I made up my mind; I was going away. I would not be one of those girls who lived their entire life wishing she had gathered her courage enough to move somewhere that wasn't here. I didn't want to be one that listened to the stories of friends who had traveled to random places. So shoot, I picked a random place; Tennessee. MURFREESBORO Tennessee. People ask me ALL the time...why did you come to TN. Honey, anywhere but here. When you are reaching to be better and needing deliverance and thirsting for God, sometimes you gotta pick up and GO. So I didn't tell my family until it was absolutely necessary...one month before the big move. I told them in a way that said...yes, I am the baby of this entire family, but my mind is made up and you really don't need to waste your time trying to convince me to do otherwise; and they didn't. I left and started on my road to becoming a new person. A person who did not think less of herself because of past events. A person that grew to love who she saw in the mirror. A person who cared whether her life was extended another day. A person who loved God so much...she's go anywhere to find him.

Today, 21 years after I entered this physically bound Earth. 18 years after I began my downward spiral of self hate and destruction that nearly led to death too many times. 8 years after I began to plan my escape. 4 years after I said good-bye to the only boy that I ever cared about so much I STILL smile when I think about him. 4 years after I met the craziest, sexiest, and coolest people I know. 4 years after I began to lay my hurt and feelings of deprivation and rejection down. 1 1/2 months after walking across a stage and receiving my diploma. 7 hours after praying that God brings healing to a lot of people I don't even know, but fill my heart anyway. 30 minutes after my girl Sabrina left. 28 minutes after I decided to write a blog about nothing.

Y'all I'm grateful.

What will tomorrow bring? Work? Laughter? Joy? Pain? Fear? Security? I don't know what these next 30 seconds will bring (probably more blogging about nothing), but I know that I cannot thank my God enough because I can sit here think about how He raised my from my near-death bed brought me 700 miles from home to get to know Him more. He would take me through all that JUST so we can get closer. Don't you just LOVE Him?

God I Love You! I Adore You!

~CalL mE jeL~

P.S. I usually do cute fonts and different colors in my blog, but right now...I ain't feelin all that frilly-type stuff.

Peaces

Everything in Worship

Yesterday (Wednesday) was a great day. I started the day at work. You know...it's hard for me to get up at like 5:30a to be at work by 7a and I always have to catch myself because you know...I HAVE a job. God has allowed me the comfort and security of having a paycheck...so nope, no more complaining.

Okay so after work I got home around 4 and I planned to take a nap ,wake up at 6 and head to bible study which starts at 7 (I was leaving myself plenty of time to relax). Well...I got up at like 6:40! I cannot make it on time to bible study for nothing man. Granted, I was only like 5 minutes late, but STILL. One day Lord..one day. After bible study Renee, Stix, and I planned to cook breakfast at the apt, and we invited some folks from church (Sabrina, Melissa, and Sophie). So I rushed home and cleaned up like a mad woman. I'm talkin bout...I ain't never cleaned so fast in my life. I did the dishes, semi-cleaned my room, vacuumed, Lysoled the kitchen...all in like 17 1/2 minutes. Then Sabrina arrived, followed by Melissa. We of course began to act a fool and chat it up like we usually do. Renee and I began to cook...you can check out the menu of Stix's page http://stixndamix.blogspot.com/.

Then I was like..."where's Sophie??" You see, Sophie is my adopted play mother...actually I was given to her (still not quite sure what that means LOL). So Sabrina told her to come...and I'm glad she did. This was actually my first time chillin with her...although it kinda feels like I've known her for a while. Sidenote: You know what I love about Sophie?? She is SUCH a worshipper. I know that term can be thrown around becaue it sounds so good, but fa real, she is so surrendered in worship. Love it!! SO...guess what we did next. Yup, ate and watch a Cece DVD (deliver me Lord LOL). We watched Live in the Throne Room. It's been waaaayy too long since I've seen like...like...a month LOL. That is just one of those DVDs I need to watch at least once every few months. ("I need it I need it I need it") It got to a part where Cece was in straight worship and her words were simple but powerful..."Jesus You're Beautiful." I LOVE IT. That part always pulls me in. Apparently that part will pull in just about anybody. I looked to my left...Sophie; worshipping. I looked to my right...Sabrina, Stix; worshipping. I looked straight ahead...AJ; semi-sleep. I looked to my far right...Melissa; expressionless. LOL Well....hey, not everybody.

Then everything was winding down but I remembered that I was told Sabrina about this combination of songs that we put together, one is an original, one is not. So we began to play "Like oil upon your feet..." and then we transitioned into "God I love you" and then something just fell. Nope...God fell. We began to worship. Stix and I were playing and I was singing "I'm nothing without you, incomplete without you." Then Sophie asked if she could join..."why yes Sophie..please" LOL. Then THIS girl decided to TAKE US IN the throne room honey. I'm talkin bout Lord Jesus. She just began to sing about how she needed God and how she can't breathe without Him. Then Sabrina began to sing...thank you God. God straight up put a song in Sabrina that she HAD to get out...and she did folks. Beautiful.

Ok....last night Sophie was like she didn't really care for her voice. I was like..."huh?!!" This girl is straight trippin. All I could really tell her was her voice is AMAZING, and there was really nothing else to say. Girl can sang.."Just like the water..."

Back to the worship party:

We WORSHIPED. We said YES. Then I just began to cry. I'm talkin bout tears runnin down my face cryin. God is so amazing. He steps out of eternity to visit some young ladies in a little apartment and bless us with His presence. He is so awesome and loving. I need Him so much and I love it. I don't like to need people because its like it signals a weakness in me or something and it makes me uncomfortable...but my God I need you!! I can't breathe or think or love without you. I give you every part of me. EVERY part.

And you know what made last night even greater??? God blessed me with other young ladies with whom I could experience His presence. I have never been able to feel comfortable enough around people to the point where I can just let go and be completely transparent. I don't know if it is because I care what other people think or I just don't trust other people with personal things that are close to my heart. As of lately I've learned to trust God enough to allow myself to be transparent so that He can use me. I mean seriously, 6 months ago you would not know a personal THING about me, simply because I have made being guarded into an art. I'm talkin bout I have know people my entire life that really don't know much about me. Growing up, there are things that I have never told a soul, and only recently have I been able to share some of those things with my best girls (whit and stix). But don't you know that if you trust God with all of you, things begin to shift and you are made to be more like Him everyday?? GLORY GOD!! God has really done a work in me AND placed the right people in my life at the right time. Last night I can say I did not even think to cover up what I was feeling. I allowed my tears to flow. I allowed my heart to be as God's heart. I was His and He was mine. That's what I want for BLU21. I want to be able to worship with restraint no matter who is there. God deserves that.

I really wish that I could explain to you in words how it feels to be completely wrapped up in God. To not think of another thing but how good He is and how much I need Him. To not worry about anything going on in my life because He is bigger than everything else put together times 2. How if this was my very last day on earth, I'd want to use it to glorify God and be in His perfect will, so that others would see how great He is and begin to love Him more than anything (Matthew 5:16-17). But I can't. I can't worship for anyone else. I can't explain to you how it feels when He fills me and encompasses me. So if you cannot relate to what I am saying and you want to, go to God. Ask Him to show Himself to you as you are transparent and honest before Him. He wants to you to know how it feels. He wants you to hear from Him.

I find everything I have ever needed and ever wanted in worship.

I see God in worship and that is where I find myself.

CaLl Me HIS

It's been a minute

Okay...so it's been a little while since I've blogged. Where to start???

Well, God has blessed me with some pretty awesome new friends. I've written about them before: Sabrina and Melissa. The past couple of days I've gotten the chance to hang pretty tight with them. Let's see, we went down town a couple days ago to go to this art show and I'm sure can guess what happened...yup, we had fun, looked at art, and pretty much acted a fool. My friend Leah (with whom I never get to chill) came too! It was sooo nice outside. After looking at art we preceeded to make up the next biggest dance craze..."ANKLE ALL TWISTED." We haven't come up with all the words yet but so far we have "ankle all twisted, lookin' like you lifted." Don't ask what "lookin' like you lifted" means because I don't know, it just rhymed. But as you and I both know, song don't have to make sense these days to be a hit. So..."ANKLE ALL TWISTED LOOKIN' LIKE YOU LIFTED." Now the dance is quite simple; you simply stick one of your legs out and move your ankle in a twisted fashion. You can add your own little twist to it as well...look out the for the single LOL. (You know I'm playin right??)

After patrolling the town for a bit and observing the classy attendees of the Gucci Mane concert dressed in supreme haute couture, we went to eat at Cafe Cocoa. I had this like...chicken salad wrapped in a tortilla with honey mustard and some other stuff. It was freaking awesome!! I could kinda use one right now...I wonder if they're open this early in the morning..hmm

So yea, we called it a night. THEN I believe it was like two nights ago...we watched a Tye Tribbet DVD...all I can say is if you don't know about Tye Tribbet...get to know. Sabrina then proceeded to give me a great present...we watched a Cece Winans VHS!!! You know...I have got to break this fascination with Cece Winans. There is no logical reason why watching 15 year old clips of Cece brings me this much joy...is that healthy?? lol oh well..what can I say other than I love Cece. At the end of the tape were some Whitney Houston clips. OK, Cece clips are enough to make me happy for like 2.854 days, but Cece AND Whitney clips...I was overjoyed! lol. There was this performance of her singing My Name is Not Susan and it was amazing...it was like she really wanted you know...her name is NOT susan/"so watch what you say/and if you still need her/then be on your way/don't wanna"...sorry, I'm really jammin right now ;)

We didn't end up going to bed until like...3am, so AJ Keezy and I spent the night. Ok...Sophie Bellevue has the cleanest room EVER. I slept in her room and took and blanket and pillow in there b/c I didn't want to mess up her perfect sheets!! LOL Seriously...who keeps their room THAT clean? I mean, my room is far from dirty, but still...THAT was the cleanest bedroom of anyone under 70 that I've EVER seen. Good job Sophie...one day i'm gonna be like her...one day...

BLU21 Update:

So after our last gig (which went pretty well), we didn't have another one lined up. So I'm like...we need to get busy, but the thing about it was we weren't really rehearsing either. At first Stix and I would just play in our apt. for fun and just to worship, then we started getting requests to perform and it seemed like once we the requests started, we rehearsed less. Well, I have turned a corner. I am more excited than ever about BLU21. I mean I was excited before just to be in a band, but now I'm excited for what God is wanting to do with us. We stopped by Sister Kitty's office yesterday after intercessory prayer (which I will have to tell you about) and she was tellin us how excited she was that we were bringing our guitars with us on the mission trip (Did I tell you I'm going to Jamaica now?? A testimony for a later blog...) I cannot wait to play down there and attend their worship services (which we are having every night). Me and Stix were playing yesterday (not really rehearsing for anything in particular, but playing just because...it felt good to do that again. No pressure of a performance, just worship), and we learned "I Pour My Love On You," and I LOVE that song. Its one of those songs that when you sing it...there is no one else in the world but you and God, and you're giving every part of you to Him. Amazing!!

Like oil upon your feet
Like Wine for you to drink
Like water from my heart
I pour my love on you
With praises like perfume
I lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I pour my love on you


I CANNOT wait...so, now that BLU21 is reaching new levels in worship and continues to develop, please continue to pray for us.

~~~~~~~~

Time: Tuesday, 12 noon
Place: Born Again Church
What: Intercessory Prayer
Attendees: 3!!

Ya'll, Stix and I went to intercessory prayer yesterday (which I am going to do at least one a week now...hopefully...i'll try) and we walked in to no lights in the sanctuary and no people in the sanctuary. I was like...ok, well, let's just go pray. We prayed for about an hour and let me tell you...at first I was like...there isn't even anyone here to lead prayer, what is this??!!...but like 5 minutes into praying y'all I had tears runnin down my face and I was totally enveloped in the glory of God. I couldn't even lift my head. It feels sooo good to spend time with Him and to cast everything on Him, and then to listen to what He wants you to pray for and know that He is sending angels to that very person you're praying for. I love my time with God. I was actually glad that there was nobody there and no one leading because that day, I didn't want to hear anyone else but God.

Ok, well I guess that's about it. I will update you on my "Jamaican Testimony" on my next blog, so until then...


CalL mE jeL

Untitled

I don't really have much to say...well, I actually don't feel like writing a blog but I've got like 30 minutes before I get off work so...

Let's start with BLU21 Gig#2

We had another gig. I think I told you about it in an earlier blog, but I don't feel like finding that reference for you...so if you need that, read my other blogs (LOL). Ok, so we were asked to play at this youth thing at a church in Spring Hill. I must say, right before we left I was freakin out. Not because I was nervous or anything, but because I felt like we weren't prepared to minister. My desire for BLU21 is to speak to people about how good God is and how if you don't know Him, you need to, and if you do know Him...get to know Him better. I just wanna love on God through song and I want God to speak through these words and touch the hearts of those listening.

SO the day had been a crazy day. Stix wasn't feeling well (bad thing #1). We didn't get to rehearse during our last TWO scheduled rehearsal times (bad thing #2). When we got back from church I was like...dude, we are not ready to go out and minister like this. I felt like we needed to go to the alter or somethin' (LOL). I felt heavy. We got back to the apt. and I was like...Stix, let's go to the clubhouse and practice. I left my phone (no distractions) and we went to the clubhouse. When I told Stix I wanted to rehearse in the clubhouse she kinda huffed a little bit, like she didn't feel like it. At the time...I didn't care LOL. We needed some time. SO we prayed and played and prayed and to me...it made a world of difference. I needed just that time with God to bring our words and music to Him. I did not want to perform those songs and they be empty, absent of God's Holy Spirit.

We got to the church (boy it was in the coun-tray!) We performed three songs and I think we did a good job. A guitar MAY have been outta tune, but we still ministered. Afterwards, Ms. Alice (a sweet lady who keeps asking us to play for things...let's pray she keeps asking) said that people actually told her that they were blessed by our music. That's what I wanted to hear. I mean...she made other comments like "they loved that y'all both played the guitar" and "they loved your smooth voice" but that wasn't really what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to say..."you ministered. That our music was not empty." And she did. That blessed me. I'm sooo happy Stix and I teamed up to do this...she's the perfect band member man. She loves to worship, she's cool as all get-out, she likes to eat, she loves Cece, she loves roadtrips...like I said, she's awesome.

*I'm even more excited for BLU21*

My new found friends Melissa and Sabrina came too! They said they really liked it and Melissa gave me some great critiques.

Oh yea...I forgot to tell you how out in the country this church was. There were COWS in the back...COWS!! AND, there was the biggest spider I had ever seen. It was on the side walk and poor Sabrina, she just walked out the nearby door at the wrong time. IT WAS SOOO FUNNY. Her face...whewww Jesus. I'll never forget it.

(This here spider wasn't the EXACT spider we saw...but it looks JUST like it. I swear to you...I am NOT exaggerating!!! I know you don't believe me but hey, it's the truth).

*I'm not laughing AT you Sabrina, I'm laughing WITH you. And if you're not laughing, well...I guess I am KINDA laughing at you* LOL

SO afterwards, we chilled at Sabrina, Melissa, and Sophie's crib. Whitney came too. AND we got to do my two FAVORITE things in the world (aside from spending time with God): eat and watch CECE WINANS vids. Ok...you should know this about me if you don't already. I LOVE Cece Winans. I youtube her at least twice a day (people, please put up some new Cece vids). I have seen her live probably 10 times (at least). I have driven 8 hours (to AR) to sit on the front row. THEN drove the Memphis the next day to do it all over again. This woman is amazing. She is such a WORSHIPER. I'm in this group (My Sister's Keeper) that she and two other women (Demetrus Stewart and Kiwanis Hockett) founded. This just goes to show...her heart is for God and she wants the hearts of others to be for God too. I LOVE IT. BTW...If she EVER read this, I would be soo embarrassed. Good this she prolly doesn't blog. I added this picture of her cuz it sooo pretty (her smile is gorgeous), but I really can't appreciate that man in the background...I need to crop this, but I really don't feel like doin' all that at this present moment.

Anyway...we sat, ate, and watched a 6 hour tape filled with the Winans. A dream come true. I had no idea other people could love Cece like me and Stix do. They have another roommate, Sophie, that I haven't yet gotten the pleasure to chill with, but she loves Cece too. In fact, I've heard Sophie is pretty darn cool. I hope so...because during our "Winans of VHS" night Melissa adopted my girl AJ, Sabrina adopted Stix, and they gave me to Sophie. I'm not really sure what this means...but if I can eat and watch Cece videos...its all good with me.

I'm excited to chill with Sophie. Sabrina said she sings non-stop...I LOVE IT! Sophie leads praise and worship sometimes at church and she is AMAZING. Her voice is kinda raspy but my GOD it will just make you want to worship God. She's anointed to do what she does.

Let's see....I have like 10 minutes of work left...

Demetrus Stewart...should I put her on blast on blogger? Yup. LOL I gave her a card the other day. It was sooo random. You see...Anjelica doesn't do things like that. Basically the card was a thank you card to her for being a great role model. I don't really get to talk to her much...but she's awesome. She loves God sooo much. She really is a light, and when I see her, I just want to love God like that too! I was embarrassed to give it to her so...when I was walking around to drop my tithe, I slid in the line of the next section over (where Demetrus sits), walked by her, PUT the card in her hand, smiled, and kept walkin' LOL I don't know why it was a weird thing for me to do...give a card, but it was. I just felt like she needed to know that she's great.

Actually, this is the third time in life I've done this...given a card for no real reason. I've given one to Tamara...a spiritual mentor of mine, and Ms. Tina. Now Ms. Tina goes to Born Again and she has been sooo KIND to me. Seriously, she goes sooo out of her way just to talk to me. She bought me a freakin graduation gift and nope...she doesn't really know me. So I gave her a card too. I think that I'm gonna make this a habit. I think that we all should in some way tell those that impact us "thank you."

K, it's about that time.

A La Prochain Fois!

CaLL me JEL