...and it all went down in 2009

Hey hey hey!!

I'm gonna start by being off topic. You know that song..."livin He loved me, dyin He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away. Risin He justified and freed me forever. One day He's comin, one glorious day." That's been stuck in my head for, I don't know...like 3 months. That is the jam though...the old school jam. Like the real old school, the I only wear skirts and no make-up old school.

~~~~~

I just thought I'd take a look back on 2009. You do know that we've got like..IDK...8 days left in this year right? It's so funny because its Dec. 23 and I haven't bought one Christmas present yet. LOL. Since I've given up all hope for doing that...I'm gonna give my people their Christmas presents at random times. Gift wrapped and everything. Hey! I'd love a wrapped Christmas present in March...wouldn't you?

So...let's go back...

January, 2009. I began the last semester of my undergraduate career. My thesis was done and published, I was planning my exit from My Sister's Keeper, I was deciding where I was going to school for the next few years, I had lost a roommate and got another (which turned out to be one of the best roomies I've ever had!), and that's only the beginning. Little did Anjelica (that's me!) know, that the Lord had begun a serious serious serious work in me. Pruning me of a whole bunch of crap I was carrying around.

I remember receiving a call from Dr. Tom Burton of Texas A&M University. "Anjelica, congratulations, you are 1 of 7 people out of a thousand applicants to be accepted into the Doctorate Counseling Psychology program. In just a few years, I'll be calling you Dr. Crawford." Hallelujah! Hallelujah? I was so hype. So excited. I was the bomb! I had done it. Pulled myself up by my boot straps and was on my way to success. But wait....where was God in this whole situation you might ask? Well you see, this is how I figured it all. I was the one who studied, took a whole bunch of classes, conducted research, wrote a thesis, excelled on the GRE, spent a TON of money applying to all these programs, blah blah blah. So...I figured because I did all this, I should be able to go where I want to go (I didn't know the definition of self righteousness at the time). Well the day came when the decision had to be made, and for some reason, I felt so uneasy about accepting their offer. You know how do something just plain wrong, and you can't stop thinking about it. That's how it felt. And I didn't understand it because this was a good thing. I was taking a huge step in my education and my career. And yet the million dollar question remains...where was God? I had to decline the offer. People didn't know, but I was not happy about doing that, but I'm usually pretty good at smiling regardless of how I feel. I had not consulted God once in the whole process of decided where I was going to spend the next 4 years of my life. I had sought counsel from academic mentors, professors, practicing psychologists, and the list goes one. There was however one HUGE error that I had made, which would stop the entire process and void every plan; I did not include God on that list. By accepting the offer from Texas A&M I was saying that I didn't need God. I could obviously achieve whatever I set my mind to on my own. Why consult God when the plan is already coming together? I realized how unhappy God was with the course of my recent actions that did not involve Him. He wanted to be involved, and although I didn't know it at the time, I needed for Him to be involved. I loved Him, yes, but I didn't trust Him. And trusting Him is what was being required of me. So I chose a local private school and still I sometimes think to myself...I went above and beyond in my undergrad years for this? But then I have to remind myself that this is where God wants me to be, which means I am in the right place.

2009 was also the year of Blu21. Don't remember?

"The color Blu: Calm, cool, depth, stability, tranquility21: The best age ever!Blu21 is representative of its members (jessica stix and myself).

What we are about:2 guitars...2 voices...1 worship. Blu21 is about simple worship. If we're not showing our love for God on stage, we exalting Him at home. We believe in worship, and now is the time to stand up and show people who God is. We're not perfect, but we pray every day that God fills us more and more with Himself."

Though the chords of Blu21's songs haven't been plucked in quite a while, they're still awesome...don't get it twisted lol. Great memories and fun times. What better way to share the love of God with others than sing about "how great He is", how it feels so good to be "broken", "how I love Him", how there is such power "in the name of Jesus"? I can't think of a better way to have brought in 2009; worship, which is simply "love responding to love."

Oh yes. 2009 brought me some new friends. I think it must have been around February or so when I met my bud AJ. AJ is just peculiar enough for me to love her. She is unlike anyone else I've ever met. Her gift of music is beyond just about everyone you hear on the radio these days. Her energy seems to peak at like 1am, which I'm still not understanding lol. She quiet and keeps to herself, but at the same time is slick wild (in a good way). Her cat is the biggest feline I've ever seen that is not in a cage. Then around May or June (I think) came Melissa and Sabrina. I joined the church that they attend and somehow, we met, clicked, and have hung tight ever since. I love them both very dearly. I moved from Murfreesboro just months before and hadn't really made any close friends in my area, and they just so happened to live pretty darn close. And then there is Sophie. The final person in "the roommates." Melissa and Sabrina "gave" me to Sophie when she was in Florida. It turned out that we have so many similarities that it has become creepy ;-)

Fast forward to August 2009. It was then I became a Bison. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I hung up my Blue Raider shoes and put on my Bison horns (do Bisons have horns?). I walked to my first graduate class, Theories of Counseling with Dr. Pruitt (who loved to use random and sometimes offensive words. Referring to someone as a "trick" for example). Lipscomb University is a private Christian college, and believe you me, I wouldn't have picked it in any usual circumstance, but everything with God has a tendency to be unusual ;-)

I first thought Lipscomb would be sooo uptight and close minded because (no offense) that is how "Christians" often are. I was so wrong. Lipscomb turned out to be an amazing thing for me. Not only were these people not uptight, but they were open minded enough to believe the word of God in a world that says it's false, and bold enough to proclaim it. They stand on a scientific model, but they also understand that God does not follow the laws that man has put on Him. And as believing scientists, we have to try and prove our views with statistics, but at the end of the day our main job is to make sure God is glorified and people are shown in the direction of His light.

Hmm...what else happened in August? Oh yes, JAMAICA!!! I first heard about this possible mission trip to Jamaica back in maybe May, and I was so down. Then time came for it to take place and I did not have money. Bummer...but I had decided to have faith and believe God.

I learned something very valuable here; there is a difference between what seems like faith and real faith. What seems like faith can make you look real holy and give the impression that you and God are real tight. However, there is no power in what seems like faith. And there is no healing and deliverance in what seems like faith. But real faith on the other hand? Oh real faith can quicken the dead, heal the incurable, and move any mountain that you come up against. It is unfortunate for the body of Christ (apart from a few exceptions) that it's uncommon to really tap into that kind of faith like Paul and Peter and them did back in the day.

The other day I was visiting with some of the "Jamaica crew" and the question was asked if we would do it again? The majority of the people said no. I honestly could not relate to this. There were so many children there who faces literally lit up when they saw us coming to camp each morning. We had open air services where people in the community would just walk by and by the end of it all, end up giving their lives to Christ. I met so many great people and formed what I know to be long lasting relationships. And oh my Jesus, the beach!! I have been on a lot of beach from here in the US to the beaches of Southern Europe, but I have never seen a beach like that. I think it was different because we were on an island. It feels different to be on an island. My friend Tianna and I were just sitting on the beach one day and trying to figure out in which direction the U.S. was located, which sadly took us a minute (actually, I'm not sure if we ever really figured it out) .

I took a lot back with me from Jamaica. One thing for which I would go all over again is the appreciation for something as simple and complex as life. They didn't own much in Jamaica. They weren't rich by anyones standards. They ate only the most simple of foods. They wore simple clothes. But I noticed that when they got together about God, they didn't ask Him for XYZ. They didn't say..."Lord, give me more money. You want me to be blessed so bless with a bigger house." In short, they said thank you Lord for what you've given me, and thank you that You'll make up for anything that is lacking. They aren't begging God for stuff, they are begging God for God, and thanking Him for the little stuff that they had. I wouldn't change one day about Jamaica, not one.

As you can see, 2009 was an eventful year for, and this is not even half of what went on. But at the end of it all I can only say Thank You LORD!! Every single thing that went down in 2009 brought me closer to you. I can only pray that 2010 will do the same, and much more.

Everyone has these new years resolutions of studying more, spending less money, being more focused, etc. And those are some of mine as well. But my overall objective is to search out those things that God has concealed (Proverbs 25:2). According to King James, that's where honor is, so that's where I wanna be. Wrapped up in the faith and knowledge of Christ, walking on water and speaking to storms. My family slick calls me an extra holy roller. I slick don't care. In 2010, I'm walking on water.

~Call me Jel~

Peace Like A River

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier about...well, it's hard to say. She was just saying how sometimes she feels like she's not existing. I think I've been struggling with that as well. And then I remember that all things are working for my good. Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions and quoting things like Romans 8:28 help me get through the day a little better, but tomorrow will be just another day in which I have to find a scripture or something to lift my blue spirit.

Sometimes it's like I'm suspended in mid-air, waiting.

...Waiting for something to happen.

...Waiting for something to change.

...Waiting to know what to do next.

But while waiting I've got to be sure my time is not idle. Waiting does not meaning wasting. I have to remember to grow in my times of waiting. It is then when I realize that this waiting is so essential to becoming. I look around and realize that I have to take advantage of this time when things are not moving so fast. This is the time for development. And you know, I'm thankful for this time. Instead of being thrown into a the middle of the life, I'm given this time to prepare, so that when change happens, its a time of grace and peace.

~Peace Like A River

I finally got a chance to catch up with an undergraduate advisor of mine; Mimi. It was so good just being able to sit and talk with her. I've missed her sooo much. While I was in undergrad Mimi was such an influence. She was extremely strict and loving at the same time. Although she could be quite blunt and direct with me, at the same time I just knew that she was teaching me. She was trying to give me wisdom in increments I could handle. And when I paid her a visit I realized that she did just that. If there was one person who influenced me the most over the past 3 years, it was Mimi. Her grace and wisdom gave me such an model to look at. Even now after graduation I can just go to her office, sit across from her, and share my heart. And it's almost like she sees past what I am saying. She does not get caught up in the emotion of a situation. God has given me such favor through Mimi; kind and gentle wisdom

~Peace Like A River

This blog has actually been in the works for like 4 days. I started it and then just stopped to do other things, so at this moment I am picking it up. Thanksgiving was great. I decided to take and entire week off of work and reLAX. And I did just that. I slept in nearly every day. I went to bed whenever I felt like it. I watched a lot of tv. I ate a lot. The best thing: I spent time with my friends and family.

Thanksgiving day I chilled with my mom. She cooked, I ate..lol. I just hung with her a talked a bit. She has been goin through a hard time so it was nice to just sit next to her for no real reason except just to be there. Well after a couple of hours mommy dearest went into retreat mode, so I left. I'll have to explain more about this in a later blog. All I'm saying now is that I am believing God for yet another miracle. And I truly do believe!

~Peace Like A River

I spent the rest of Thanksgiving (well, Thanksgiving Day, the day before, and the day after) with my buds Sophie, Sabrina, AJ, and LaTricia. It's amazing how God will place the right people in your life at the right time and for the right amount of time. God shows His favor to me through people and I love it. We didn't do much. Chilled. Watched a Beyonce DVD like 40 times. Threw in a little Cece and Tonex. Ate. I guess we just enjoyed each others company since we didn't go home.

I read this book while I was over there front to back and it was just about Heaven. It was about what it would look like, who would be there, how one would feel upon arrival. Just all this stuff and of course no one can really know Heaven in its entirety until ya get there, but this painted a pretty picture. The book was pretty good but it was really the message behind the book that spoke to me:

We go through all this stuff here on earth. We struggle to pay our bills. We struggle to maintain relationships. We struggle to achieve our academic and professional goals. And I just thought, after all this, Anjelica, how much do you struggle to know God? Now, no get it twisted. I do love God and I do want to know Him more tomorrow than I do today. My recent prayer has been to increase my desire for Him. And without my knowledge, God began to do that the moment I spoke it. Of course we desire God. Who wouldn't want to know someone so great and mighty?! But when I prayed that prayer for an increased desire, I was praying from a different kind of place. I want to WANT God more than I want my next breath. I want to WANT God more than I want anything else in this world. I want to WANT God more than I want His blessings and benefits.

I was made in such a way that I am fulfilled by relationships. Things are nice and pretty and shiny...whatever. Things are great. But it's not things that touch me, it's time. It's the giving of something that you can't ever get back. And I was just asking God why in the WORLD would you make me like that?! Seriously, cuz I could really just turn out to be a really annoying, nagging, time consuming person ya know? Then He said..."YOU were meant to give of yourself what YOU can never get back. YOUR time. YOUR love. YOUR heart. And I will fulfill that need that I created in you. And you can continue to give of yourself as I continue give you Myself."

I was made to want God sooo much that I can't stand it if I don't have Him. I can't function. I'm not happy. I can't communicate. I can't chill out. I just can't without Him. He made me that way. And so when I prayed for an increased desire for Him I was simply coming into agreement with Him. So these days things are great. Relationships are great. But the one thing I desire most is communion with God. My desire for Him has increased so, and so my capacity for Him has also increased as a result. You cannot completely receive what you do not completely want. I cannot wait for God to reveal more and more of Himself to me, and I to Him. This was my prayer.

~Peace Like A River

A Somewhat Cloudy November 11, 2009

Ok...I'm stressed.

Like fa real...stressed. Why you might ask?

I haven't been home in nearly two years, so I planned a trip this month. Well financially, I cannot afford to go home. I mean, I was gonna hop in my truck and make the 10 hour drive to see my grandmother for 2 or 3 short days, and drive right back. And from the looks of things, that's not going to happen.

I'm talking to God like..."ok, i'm confused. There should be no reason I can't afford to take a week off of work to go home!!!"

So there's that. And now I have to sign a paper saying I am taking out a loan for $8000 for ONE semester. Great. I can't wait until I have to pay THAT back. You know how crazy this is making me right now. I had a dream that I owed $65,000 to suntrust for school loans. No joke.

So on top of that, I did something really stupid. About a year ago I had a close family member that was in a horrible situation. They needed a co-signer and I was like..."ohhh of course. You're fam" STUPID. Yup, that's right. I'm getting calls from this loan company now. Wonderful. But at the time, I could easily afford their payment PLUS all of my stuff, so I was cool.

Oh yea, my job is trippin wit me too. I was seriously .4 seconds away from walking out the door today and quitting. Long story short, they thought it was okay to give my scheduled hours away to someone else. I tried to be calm about it, but Renee came out. I called, txtd, and sent a "nice" email to my manager that said something along the lines of..."if there is a reason my hours were given away I need to be told, otherwise you might as well give them all away." Well, they gave me my hours back and apologized.

You know what? God has to be setting me up for something spectacular because as of right now, I have a credit card bill, an electricity bill, a cable bill, and a phone bill (all of which are overdue) to pay, and with no $$ in my pocket, that seems pretty impossible right now.

I'm def frustrated. I have never REALLY been broke. But as of lately, things have gotten ridiculous. I mean seriously, I go to school full time and work like 50+ hours a week. I GOT to be doin something wrong! Frustration is the word.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I keep thinking..."God, you have ALWAYS provided for me in some way. ALWAYS. Most of the time very unexpected ways, but right now, I'm thinking to myself...*sigh*. Yup I don't even have words.. Just *sigh* Something real crazy happened to me the other day and I was like...God is sooo setting me up here. And then today I'm like...maybe not. Maybe there is no set up. Maybe I just need to get back to reality, work, and pay my bills. Maybe I just won't get to go home. Maybe this season in life just sucks. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should take a break from school. Maybe I just need to get my mind right.

So chances are there has GOT to be at least a few good things going for me right? Well...I got 102 on my Pathology test. I seem to be handling this grad school thing pretty well. Umm...I'm working a lot with my church, which is great. I get to talk to women who are like twice my age (at least) about their views on life. Very interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Umm...I'm writing a lot with a couple friends. I've had a special "someone" in life for a few months now. I'm out of shape and don't really care ;)

God I know You do the impossible. I've SEEN You do the impossible. I've seen you do the impossible for ME. I know you are bigger than any problem I have or could think up. So right now I am going on record to say I believe that you will take care of my every need. I am your child and your children are never forsaken. You have spoken to me promises that I can't forget. You have proven Yourself time and time again. You have never failed. You are perfect in every way possible. You uphold me and because of you I have gotten this far. So I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to continue my education for an advanced degree. I thank you for my apartment. I thank you for just supplying everything I need. My help does not come from my job, but it comes from you. So right now I give you glory for everything that you have in store. And Father if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped, I thank you because You are God, and no matter what it looks like...all things are working for my good. You are God, and you are a good God.

~After my Father's heart~

Great Is Your Mercy

Well hellooooo

It is super early in the morning, the sun is shining, and today looks like its gonna be a great day!!

Lets see...this week-end was awesome! I went to Memphis to chill with my friends Larry and Amber. We didn't do too much. A LOT of eating, some mall hopping and music sharing. I LOVE being able to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. I saw Tye Tribbett live and it was A-MAZ-ING!! #1. This concert was 4 1/2 hours long. Yes folks. We did not get out until 11:27pm, but it was worth every minute. #2. I have such a respect for the man. Mostly because although he is super hype and gets the crowd up, he will PREACH YOU DOWN! He did ALL of my fav songs...and I do mean ALL of them. But he also cut out a few of his new ones to talk to the youth, and everyone else there for that matter. He seriously brought a Word from the LORD that I am still reflecting on. He was less concerned with what he looked like and even how many songs he got to perform, and more concerned with the people leaving with their spirit filled with what God had spoken to him. His songs are filled with lyrics that can reach a generation. He speaks on issues that are not popular to speak on because they are guaranteed to rub people the wrong way. I love to see people who are serious about God's business. Now I don't know the man personally. I've meet him a couple times, and I know that he is anointed, and he is doing to work of the Lord.

Speaking of people who are serious about God's business...I'm sooo glad I drove back from Memphis for church yesterday. SOOOO glad. Pastor talked about the condition of the heart, which of course entails quite a bit, and I'm still meditating on a lot of it. He talked about how we can NOT walk around holding crap against people and how we can NOT walk around after we've offended someone and act like nothing ever transpired. Basically it was get right before the Lord message and as a friend described it to me...."it hurt so good." What was so funny is that my friend Amber and I spent hours talking about just that on the way to and from Memphis. This week-end was full of confirmation and grace. Thank you Father!!

So I left for Memphis Saturday morning, hung out all day, went to see Tye that night, and drove back to Nashville Sunday morning so I could make it to church. AFTER which I helped my mother move. I did NOT feel like helping her and was real tempted to get an attitude. BUT...I'm being careful to not grow weary in well doing. After all, my week-end had been excellent up until that point, so I had a decision to make. Let this thing that I don't feel like doing get the best of me, or get I could get the best of it. After all that I was planning on going home and going to bed. NOPE. I was on the phone for like 3 hours! ugh...and I don't even like talking on the phone. lol And now its super early, and I'm at work, BUT its ok because today is great :)


*A spirit of weariness will ALWAYS try to attach itself to you when you are doing well*



So for the past two months or so I have not been happy. And I'm a happy girl. I'm usually giddy for no specific reason, and over the past several weeks I have not been feeling like that. I KNEW something was wrong. I was tired and just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I blamed part of it on my environment, which was wrong of me. I can't control my environment or the people in it but I have a choice of how I respond to things. My perspective needed to be changed and my spirit needed a serious refreshing, and over the last two weeks my perspective has def been changing and my spirit is new. I missed that happy-go-lucky Anjelica. I'm not being self centered or anything, but I missed me, and I had allowed that part of me to be buried by circumstances. I had no right to allow ANYTHING to steal my smile, and I did. So for the Father, forgive me. BUT today...today I feel as if the purpose for all this spiritual warfare has been revealed. I have a new view of my life and of God. God has not given me the right to do anything but live a life that glorifies Him, and frowning all the time def does not. The bible says to MAKE a joyful noise. It does not say "be led" to make a joyful noise, or to make a joyful noise when you feel like it. It simply says to MAKE a joyful noise. This infers that we must decide to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. We have to make our mouths open in praises to God. We have to make nice with those around us. We have to DECIDE to give God glory in spite of. And I have decided. Happy for no reason Anjelica is back. Devil, get out the freakin way!!

Thank you God for your patience, your grace, and your mercy. Your patience has allowed me to go through the process of obtaining a better understanding of who You are. You grace has supplied me with all that I need while going through this process. Your mercy has held back the consequences of not being who you have called me to be. Jehovah, none is greater than You, and I will spend my life showing the world how glorious You are.

So Thankful,

~Jel~

Falling SUCKS!!

I'm reading this book. It's pretty good. I'm always finding some book to read, as if someone else's revelation of God and the human race will become mine and the process that person had to go through to receive this concept will be spared for me because I just dipped in on their revelation. Well I must say, sometimes that works. I shouldn't have to experience everything for myself, sometimes I should just take a clue and learn from the disasters of others. The author is a best-seller and all that, and he is a Christian. In fact he's a "Christian author," (because as we all know unless you're an author that writes books about Jesus you aren't a "Christian author," but just another author who is no different than a non-believer).

Anyway, he writes with such a transparency that it makes me uncomfortable. He writes about his feelings and relationships and stuff with such honesty and openness, it's incredible. How secure does one have to be to give his personal life such an audience?

Anyway, he talks about something that's quite interesting to me: human nature. I study Psychology. Psychology is a funny thing. The "big heads" of the field take principles of human nature, subtract God, and name these principles as theories after themselves, as if God was not the creator of man and already had these answers and more that we could never fathom. The author never studied Psychology I don't think, but his views are quite amazing to me.

He talks a lot about the fall of man; before and after. He depicts the paradise before the fall not in terms of scenery, but in terms of the original mindset of man. These are his views:

Man (and woman) were created to receive affirmation from God. We were created to depend on God for everything that we need. This included emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, as well as the physical. We were created to love God receive love from Him, and interact with Him as if we were best friends, He has father and you and me as child. He created a need in us for Him. We were made to need His words of love and His touch. Then we fell. We separated from Him. We created a distance between Him and us, and no longer were we receiving those words of love and touches like we used to. Think about it. Before the fall, man walked with God. I mean really walked with God. Now? Well we occasionally visit Him. We do walk with Him, whenever we go through this long drawn out struggle of killing our flesh and blocking out the world so we may finally hear and see Him, but we are still separated. Even though we chose to separate ourselves from God, He has not granted the favor of changing our make-up, our internal wiring. We still need these words of love and we still need touch. So now that we are distanced from our Creator, where do these words and touches come from? I guess we just look for them in our current state, in our current environment.

Is this why too many people settle for less than they are worth? Is this why young women are taken advantage of by predators that seek to destroy what was once beautiful? Is this why we feel unacceptable when we don't receive this affirmation that we were created to need?

The author writes this:

And then I started thinking about my own life, how I need people to love me and like me and how, if they don't, I feel miserable and sad and how I am tempted to believe what they are saying about me is true. It is as though the voice of God we used to have has been taken up by less credible voices. And when I think about this I know that Genesis 3 is true; I know without a doubt I am a person who is wired so that something outside of myself tells me who I am. I am not trying to say I have some kind of terrible dysfunction or anything, it's just that other people's opinions, after the Fall, have become very important, and if everybody says that Saab cars are cool, then I want a Saab car, and if people say that a certain kind of music is cool, then I am more likely to listen to that kind of music (Miller, 95).

"...if the relations between God and man are disturbed, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don't get that love and respect we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake," (Miller, 108).

Yes ladies and gents, our glory is at stake. But lets be real about this, haven't we already lost our glory? Didn't we exchange our glory for the knowledge that the apple gave us? So when we realized we were no better than apes unless we wore threads of costly clothing, we traded our glory as the price.

We search for all this knowledge. We go to school for years. We take out loans for thousands of dollars and spend our entire lives trying to pay it back, and for what? For knowledge? For that thing that was responsible for our fall? We are still searching for that. Still eating the forbidden apple. Still loaning our souls out for just a bit of knowledge that might place us ahead of where we are. I almost brave enough to stand up and say knowledge is setting us back. It's removing us, again, from our place with God.

So are we now doomed to search the earth for comforts that we need, or will any of us ever become secure enough and close enough to God so that we don't have to search the earth? We can get all that we need from the Creator who designed us to need in the first place.

So stepping back into reality, I'll continue to pay too much money for this all important knowledge that will one day place me in a such a status that I will be loved and respected, and will receive exactly what I've been looking for. So why is it when people get to that place, they aren't fulfilled? Did I miss something? Maybe we are not designed to receive love from just anyone. Maybe we are specifically designed to receive a certain love from a certain Creator. Well that's just great...cuz now I got loans out the trap, and when I get to that place of "status," I'll realize..."dang...all of this crap was just not worth it."

(By the way...this isn't a pic of the book I'm currently reading, but I plan to get to this one soon.)

Things that Make ya go mmmmm.....

Alright.

Life is pretty much the same. Boring right? I get up ridiculously early to go to a job that to no end tap dances on my nerves of the regular. I leave that job to go to another. I leave the other to go to class. Then I go home to try and sleep for a few hours before doing it all again. Can you say mundane??!!

I'm getting into this groove where I'm not even interested in hanging out wit my folks anymore. Is that bad? I'm always either tired, or thinking about what I have to do the following day. Ugh!! On top of that God is putting me through some serious transition man. I don't find the same contentment in doing the things I used to do. I'm not talking about "the thangs I used to do, I don't do no more. The places I used to go..." I'm talking about everyday regular stuff. Chillin. Playin my guitar. Writing music. I don't find the same enjoyment that I once did and that's a problem.

When I was just chillin I was so happy to just be relaxing in the fact that I don't have anything else to do. Now I feel like God is really beckoning me like..."Anjelica, I know that you're relaxed and everything, but uh...you need to spend some more time with me." I'm like...ok God, I DO spend time with you. But the time I used to spend with Him no longer suffices. I can't move to point B in my life by sustaining myself with what was required at point A. So...more time with God...check.

I'm writing music a lot more again. I don't play it much for anyone except one or two of my homies, but it has become a great therapy. A friend of mine actually wants to sing one of my songs, and I'm more than happy to hand it over. When she sings that song it blesses me man!

~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've been writing about this wonderful job opp that may be presenting itself. Well ladies and gents...it has. Well there was two. My immediate offer has not responded which SUCKS because I want out of this crappy work-work-school rut...like right now. My long term plan pulled through. In February of 2011 I will be going back to Iowa to finish the final registration process of being a counselor overseas. I cannot freaking wait!! Why Feb 2011 Anjelica? That's seriously like 16 months away. Yea I know...that's why it's my "LONG term" plan. Here's the story:

I went to a lab high school that was attached to a University called the University of Northern Iowa and I randomly came across this program they have where they send professionals to other areas of the world in need of different professional services. Now a friend of mine was actually doing this and has been for some time. In two years she has worked in Peru, Greece, Egypt, and is on her way to Istanbul. I was like...mane...hook me up with what agency you workin wit!! Turns out folks it's UNI.

I had planned on going to Aussie Land to work with an organization called Mission Australia, but their programs are grant funded, which mean they are not guaranteed to be there in a year after the grant is up, and the way the economy is lookin...they just might not be there in a years time. So I'm questioning the security of that organization. SO I got an e-mail from a UNI faculty member (and fellow NU alum) instructing me to finish the registration process next September so that when 2011 comes I am ready with my Masters degree to ship out. I was talking to her about the whole thing and salaries are awesome, transportation and apartments are provided, week-end trips to neighboring cities and countries are likely. The only stipulation...I've already begun the process so I HAVE to finish my Masters in Dec of next year. What stay focused? What no time off? What loans?

I'm still goin for my Ph.D. but ima need a break...and making cash overseas sounds like a pretty good break. But a whole year and a half? OMG That's a long time. So in the mean time I'm going to Jamaica at the end of Feb. That should tide me over until the following Dec. right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School. School is awesome. A friend of mine is going to school for environmental science and we talk almost everyday about how school really is awesome. I mean we are both challenged by it, but have this weird love for it. What the heck would I be doing if I wasn't in school? IDK...cuz I've never NOT been in school. Well I took my first round of tests last week...As all around. In my Pathology class I actually got a 102! How the HECK does that happen? Well please believe that I asked no questions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm looking at the title to thing blog. IDK why its called Things that make ya go mmmmmm. That has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this blog, but it's stuck in my head. So there is it. Things that make ya go mmm mmm mmmmmm.

~Peaces~

You can have all this world/Just give me Jesus

Today I woke up at 5:30 am which normally I'd be rather pissed about, but I went to bed at like 10:30 last night. The plan was I'll be in bed by 9:30 because I needed to catch up on some serious sleep. So after class I jetted to the store to pick up some thangs and then home to watch Grey's Anatomy. I was 15 minutes late!!! ughhh!! But Sophie came to the rescue and caught me up on what I'd missed. Ok...last week Grey's was the freaking worst, but they have been redeemed. So I watched it over the phone with Sophie and at 9 I planned on getting ready for bed. THEN the preview for Private Practice looked the bomb (some crazy woman cut open this other women to steal her unborn baby) so me and Soph were like..."dangit...I guess we'll be watching this too."

Okay, so about 10:30 I said goodnight to the correspondences I'd been keeping and shut out the world. I had the craziest dream!! You know what...I've had that dream twice now, but they've differed just a bit. I'm talking to the same woman about the same thing, only this one was longer and the conversation covered a bit more. hmm....

I woke up at 5:30 like I said, got up at 6:07, left the house at 6:30, was 4 minutes late to work, and felt on top of the world. Why you might ask? Well let me tell you. I heard one of my favorite songs on the way to work. It's called Jesus by Jeremy Camp. If you have not heard it...you need to. It's crazy simply, not a lot of words, not a lot of chords, but it says so much. The whole song is about how you can have anything I have, EVERYTHING I have....just give me Jesus.

When I'm lonely, give me Jesus

When I die, give me Jesus

Man this song is so deep and simple at the same time. This is something I believe every Christian needs to learn and understand. I believe God takes us through soooo much just so we can get this one point. The world is crazy, and it can offer us a lot of things. Let's be real. The church is always talking about how the world has nothing to offer and this and that, but you know what...the world be looking reeeaalll attractive sometimes. I mean all of the "right now" comforts the world can and will give you if you would only compromise your relationship with God. Not your whole relationship, just parts of it. Is that not how we think?

"well, I'll do this, but I won't do that" but you know "this" ain't no different than "that."

But this simple song is just saying keep eeeeverything this world has to offer. GIVE ME JESUS!! Now if this song is not a declaration of an uncompromising heart...!

Today I am so thrilled just to be living right alongside my living savior. So many people don't know Jesus as their savior. The other day I was talking to a family member back home who out of pure disrespect for me and God proceeded to tell me how this "God mess" is purely for money making purposes, which might I add he is taking full advantage of. First off that made me mad. I was offended dangit!! But I didn't really react. I didn't say much of anything after that. That was probably a great time to minister, but I didn't. After my defensiveness subsided all I could feel was compassion for this individual. He did not know God. So when he is alone, he is really alone. And when he is sick, he is really sick because he doesn't know that Jesus is a comforter and a healer. To him, Jesus is a paycheck. To so many Jesus is a paycheck. A way to take advantage of unfortunate individuals who are looking for a solution for their pain and frustration that has yet to be found.

So even though that is sooo freakin sad, that so many don't actually who God is and what He did for us, it makes me so much more enthused that I do! I am learning who God is more and more everyday, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Distractions come. Drama comes. Pain and frustration come. But its all just a ploy to get us to take our eyes and our hearts away from learning of God. But at the end of the day man...you can take all that drama and frustration. You can even takes all the money and fame in the world, give me my Jesus, who after everything falls ways and no one is left standing by your side, He's still there.

You can have all this world/Give me Jesus

~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, what the heck am I gonna do with my life?? LOL I mean ok...recently I've been looking into working for a holistic health care company. If I do get the job I'll be traveling, A LOT, and make a wonderful salary. OR I could pursue music, which is my lifelong passion. Actually not just music, but worship through music. OR I could take the route of academia and work my way up the ladder of professing professionals. UGH!! Can't I just do it all??! I mean who the heck said you had to pick something and stick to only that. I'm not interested in doing the same thing for the rest of my life. PLUS with this economy, it sounds like a great idea to have interests in several different areas that produce some kind of income. SO, because I can't decide, I won't decide. If I get the job in holistic health care I'll do that and make some greenery. If I continue to write, sing, and play, I'll do that too. And I'll obviously continue in school. So yea, why decide when you don't have to??

BTW I took a test on Monday, Tuesday, and I have one next week too. This is starting to get real. UGH I hate when school gets real. Can't we just sit and listen to each other and learn about the different schools of thought with having to reiterate them on paper??? Well our education system says no, so on that note, I really need to read.

Peaces!!

~A

Rain...what rain?

Alright. Never in my life have I seen so much rain. I'm from Iowa, and we don't get this. I've been down here for 4 years. TENNESSEE don't get this! WTH?!! Who was that in the bible that told the rain to stop, and it did? Jacob maybe? Well where is Jacob? But if it wasn't raining we'd be complaining about a drought so.....

Yesterday, Friday, was a really really good day. It's been a while since I've had a really really good day. I was sooo tired. I had to be at work at some ungodly hour (if the sun ain't up yet, the hour is ungodly okay? Remember that right there). The night before I was chillin with Sophie, talkin and watchin Grey's Anatomy (which was a HUGE disappointment) till like...IDK, too late cuz we BOTH had to work the next morn.

Ok, hold up. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Well I'm an avid fan and as a fan I must be honest. This two-hour season premiere was awful. It kicked rock after rock after rock after rock....(not crack rock...cuz crack is cheap...me and bobby's babaaayy;). MAN...I couldn't believe it. Me and Sophie were waiting forEV to see this premiere and entire time we were like....what???! What the hell is this mess?? I don't know about her, but I was pissed.

*Sorry, I had to let that out.*

Anyway, I had to work a full day on Friday and I was so tired. Let me tell you how my week was prior to that. Wednesday I had work 3-11, and then Thursday...whhewww Jesus Thursday I had to be at work at 6am to 11am, then the counseling office at 11:30 to 4p, then class from 5-7:30p. THEN I finally took a breath, and jetted to the house tryna beat Soph there. So after all that, we chilled for a while, THEN I had to get up for work the next morn. The way it would look, my entire week would create a horrible Friday. It rained non stop, I was tired, I need to study. Let me tell you what happened on Friday right?

I got up. I showered. I got dressed. I got my stuff together. I walked out the door. I got in my truck. I saw my check engine light come on....nooo Jesus nooooo. I began the drive to work. Then I decided, you know what? I've had too many bad days. Since my bday (maybe before) I have not been happy at all. Where is my joy man? I'm that person who is always happy for no reason. Nope, not as of lately. SO Friday when I was driving to work (in the rain) I smiled. I KNOW I looked extra crazy, but I just smiled and began to thank God for how awesome He is. I believe He just waits for moments like these....when we realize that no matter what's going on, God is still God.

It can be sooo hard to remember this sometimes when bills are piling up and the money is not coming in. When school is getting on your nerves. When people stretch your faith. When family is actin a fool. When the enemy plays games with your mind. Through all that, I can't lie, it's hard to remember God is God because everything else is so up in your face.

But that Friday morning in my truck I remembered. God's beauty is reflected everywhere, and I refused to go through this day without taking notice. My spirit lifted at THAT moment. My heaviness lifted and my heart was full of joy. I had literally forgotten what it was like to be happy for no real reason. To have joy. I almost always (I'm stressing the "almost" here) have a smile on my face. I can always find the silver lining. ALWAYS. But lately, that old bug of depression that darkened my adolescent years began to creep in and days just got darker and darker. I stopped that crap in it's tracks. I've gone through too much and come out cleaner than when I went in to go back there. God has brought me out of such despair, that I would be doing Him or me no service by going back. I never again want to see the inside of a hospital room because I couldn't find a reason to see tomorrow.

My days will be bright and I will notice the beauty of God, even when it's hard to see.

One thing that I love to do is write. I wrote a simple worship song yesterday. It's about coming back to God. You know after you've foolishly taken a little break from devotion and time spent with Him, and you come back with a sincere heart and broken spirit? And in coming back you realize God never went anywhere, but waiting patiently on you to return to Him? Yup, that's what it's about. I've written songs in the meantime, but this one is different. This one doesn't "sound good." This one is real. This is sumn like a declaration for me.

"I hate to say it/but it's true/my heart has turned from you/But you stayed with me/But you covered me/But you kept me/But you waited for me/So I say thank you Lord"

So friends, what do you see that's beautiful about God today? Through all of this rain...what is He growing and cultivating in you? Around you? With you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God has given me tremendous favor. I have the amazing opportunity to work with the youth choir at Born Again. Now for a long time, I didn't even KNOW there was a youth choir. I guess because they sing downstairs during service. I LOVE IT!!!

One thing that touches the deepest part of my heart is when I see young people worshiping God. When I say young people, I mean 14-19. This is the age where the enemy will do his best to take you out. He pulls out all the stops. Why do you think teen suicide rates are higher than ever and our youth is sooo lost in the craziness of life? I love the kiddies (12/13 and under), but these teens have my heart. They go through so much and battle so much, and they usually do it alone because the world and the church underestimate what they have to face. When they can lift their hands and tell God thank you....I'm bout to cry right now. I love it. the desperation for Him. The child-like heart that needs Him. I love it.

So we are traveling to Dyersburg (the big city...lol whit) on Sunday to sing. I am so new to this choir (I don't even know everybody's name) but somehow, in a period of like 3 weeks, I went from being a visiter to really being involved. IDK how, but I love it. I was content with just supporting them. But it is so great to stand with them and worship God with them. So needless to say I'm super pumped for Dyersburg. I'm super pumped for just rehearsal. Thank you God for the chance to love you with the young folk. You KNOW I needed this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have this song stuck in my head man. You know it. I believe it's called for your glory. "For your glory/I would do anything/Just to see you/To behold you as my King/I wanna be where you are/I gotta be where you are"

Man, I was listenin to this yesterday and straight fell into worship. These are some powerful words. I GOTTA be where you are. I'd do ANYTHING for your glory!

This is gonna be in my head for a minute...

~~~~~~~~~~~

School. I fear it will never end. I fear that I will get so sick of it that I'll quit. I fear that I'll get tired of accruing loans. UGHH!! Shoot I'm already tired. But it's like...I've already started. I'm halfway. I've started my Master's, I'll be done in a year. And time-wise, starting my doctorate will be downhill. But you know...everyday I'm convinced that I'm gonna take a little break. I gotta get out for a while

God...where should we go?

I love ya!!!

9.19.09

I haven't blogged in a couple weeks. Actually I shut down my blog for a couple weeks. I've been kinda going through this thing where I really did not want people in my business. It was really crazy cuz like, for the most part, the people that read my blogs are my friends, and I didn't even want them to be able to read my blogs anymore. SO I was like...forget it, i'm deletin this crap.

*Isn't is crazy how you allow the enemy to play tricks on your mind, lead you to isolate yourself, and then divide up what you and God have built?? But then again that is his job...so what else would he be doing. I hate the devil! DEVIL YOU SUCK...KICK ROCKS*

But I couldn't delete it. I felt like I'd be losing something if I deleted it, so instead I'm changing it. My blogs have become too personal. I'm not comfortable anymore sharing details of my personal life where all can see and judge. I'll save that for my personal journal. This blog is now about school...and God.

~~~~~

So Lipscomb right? I've been talking to current Lipscomb students about school and many of them have some serious complaints. The first one being "its too expense!" I look at it this way. It's all an investment. If you didn't think it was worth it, you wouldn't be here. My experiences thus far with Lipscomb have been excellent. Not only are our minds pushed to be cultivated and exposed to different schools of thought, but our spirits are being built right along side it. It is not uncommon for a professor to add to a point about the nature of man and find support for it in the bible, as well as the text book. Y'all, science does not disprove God, but it shows Him strong and orderly.

I am expecting to graduate with a Master's in Counseling in December of 2010. That is a whole year and some from now, and at the moment, it seems like a long time, although I know it really isn't. I'm sure there will be plenty of the good and the bad issues of life and of the heart to fill the time in between. After graduation I plan to apply to a Ph.D. program (again), choose deferred enrollment, and take a break from the USA for a bit. I have two options, both of which would take me across the world for a while. I have plently of time to work it out, so I'm starting now so when the time comes I'll have no reason to stay (unless BLU21 blows up!! Funny right? Not really.) After my stint overseas, IF I decide to come back to the states, I'll begin working as a counselor and working toward my Ph.D. Yup, Dr. Crawford is about to become real official....in like 5 years LOL

So that's the plan, but Lord knows a person's plan can change. I was accepted into a Ph.D. program a few months ago and even traveled to the school for a tour and to meet the faculty. I chilled at their houses and really got to know them. Then I realized something; this wasn't the path God had for me at the time. That was my "fast track to a paycheck" plan. I'd be getting paid crazy cash to go to school for a degree that would put me in the way of more crazy cash. But I'd be missing all of the developmental stages in between that God means for me to experience and grow from. So I put the fast track plan aside, and said "ok God...I PRAY that this is you I hear. I won't go...not without you."


*I just realized something. I can't talk about God without being at least a little personal. But trust me when I say "a little."*

~~~~~~~~

Father, I am so grateful for the people you've placed in my life. EACH person. And the enemy will get no victory in those relationships, but your purpose will be fulfilled, we will have the victory, and You will have the glory. I am grateful for the opportunities you have given me. I am grateful that your blessings add fuel to my hope for the future. I am grateful for the trials that prove my faith.

I haven't done this is a while but the words of the day are....grateful and virtue.

Grateful: warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness
Virtue: excellence; goodness; righteousness

Matthew 5: 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect


~Anjelica~

I'm at work..."working," so I decided to blog...

BLU21!!!

Ok...so I haven't written a blog about Blu21 in quite some time. Well here's one.

We've been playing at churches in neighboring towns, birthday parties, and even in random parks in Jamaica. Were we nervous for any of those....not really. I mean you have those small pre-performance jitters, but nothing too big. Well let me tell ya, I had my first case of serious performance anxiety for the first time in a REALLY long time. I know you're wondering..."Anjelica, where were you playin that caused you such anxiety? A packed arena? The White House? Some record exec's office?" No, no, and nope. Ladies and gentlemen, we played for our home church. EEKKK!

It's not like I hadn't figured that this day would come sooner or later. The leadership in the church is working to get the young adults more involved. So the day came. I got the e-mail last week..."Anjelica, we would like you and Jessica to playing during service on Sunday...etc etc etc" HOLD UP. PUMP THE FREAKIN BRAKES!!! sssssssscccccrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

Of course we said yes...yes we would love to play. But you wanna know something? Whenever I come across an opportunity that may stretch me beyond my comfort zone, I automatically want to say no, but I hurry up and say yes before I can say "no, thanks though." So there we were, about to play at the home church for the first time in just a few days. I can't really speak for Jessica, but Anjelica was scared the first day. The second day...still nervous. The third day...kinda nervous. The day before...it's whatever. We're doing it, so let just do it. We practiced late. We tried to perfect our sounds and I tried to remember the order of the words and chords. Then the day came.

We loaded our guitars in the cars, got in, and made our way to church. I prayed almost the entire time!!! lol I was like...."Lord Jesus...I'm scared. BUT Ima get up there and worship you and that's all. So please let them hear the words." And then I began to ask God, what the HECK are we gonna say. It takes a few seconds for our mics to be set up and we always need something to say during time. And neither of us ever want to talk. I was PRAYING that Jessica would have something to say...LOL, and I'm sure she was praying the same. Well..she won (??? Is that correct to say someone won, prayer against prayer? lol) Anywho...God did give me something to say. I just talked about how the song was simple, but all God wants in a pure heart that desire Him. That it doesn't matter how simple the song is, but it's what is behind those simple words that matters. Those weren't my exact words, but I can't remember them. It was a freakin blur. So it was something to that effect.

We struck the first chords. I heard Stix project extremely well (that girl don't need to guitar pick man). We were on it. Then I opened my mouth for the first words. CRACK!!! I cracked on the FIRST note. LOL SOOO EMBARRASSING. But once that happened I was like..."Lord, now this is REALLY for you cuz I do NOT want to think about what everything else is thinking!!" LMBO So I kept singing, closed my eyes, listened to the guitar sick-wit-it-ness of Stix, and dedicated every word to God.

And there you have it. We ministered. We worshiped. We played for our church family.

Sidenote: Why is it always so hard to play for the folks you know real well?? Its strange really. Shouldn't they be those people that you have no fear to play in front of? My philosophy? Nope. I can play all day in front of random crowds because I don't know them folks. I probably won't ever see them again (at least that's what I tell myself). But when its at home...its a different story. You will see them next week! It really didn't help when Sophie was like..."you need to be prepared, cuz they will 'critique the mess outta you'." No she didn't actually say "critique", but you get the idea. We needed to be on point.

Ladies and gents, we did well. I'm very proud of our performance. I am very grateful that I was able to concentrate on God during that song instead of the people. Then after service several people came to us and told us how well we did. There was one lady in particular who I had never seen before. She was one of our fair skinned sisters in the Lord (lol) and she saw me walking out the front door. She stopped and said "y'all did so well." I told her thanks, then she looked at me with his super intense look and was like..."no. seriously. Thank you! Thank you for your words and your worship. Thank you" I didn't know exactly what to say. I hugged her, smiled, and walked away. I was floored that this simple song could touch someone like that.

We played during second service as well. I COMPLETELY changed the words around, changing the order of thangs, added some stuff, deleted some stuff..oops But Stix was right there, ready to play and catch whatever was being tossed out. I was pleased with both performances.

What's next?

Stix wisely said on the way home..."we need more songs." LOL and I couldn't agree more. We can't keep playing the same ones. We've got like 7 oringal songs total, 3 or 4 strong ones, and then a few covers. Soo...yup, we need to get to writin.

All in all...Sunday was a very long, long, and satisfying day.


*God doesn't need some grandiose production. But just our pure hearts focused on Him, giving of ourselves unselfishly*

I also have 2 REALLY big opportunities in the horizon that would get me out of this sameness of everyday. They both came out of nowhere, could get me out of the routine that I've grown accustomed to, and involved working with some really great people. Both opportunities would fulfill separate dreams of mine. I can't wait to blog about them, but of course, I'll wait until they're official. I love God.

~Jelly~

**Random**

So as you know, I am now attending David Lipscomb University for graduate school. Let me tell you...I'm lovin it so far as far as school goes. I mean, who can really love reading textbooks and taking tests, but aside from that, the school itself is pretty cool.

I was in my Research and Statistics class last Thursday bored out of my mind, so what do I do when I'm too bored to pay attend to important information that will be on the test??? Yup, I journal. So I'm sitting in the very front row where the prof. can see everything I'm doing and I pull out my bright pink journal. I don't think that bothered him much because prior to that I was just drawing random pictures on the syllabus he handed out about 60 minutes earlier. This is my Stats class journal entry:



I am going to a tiny tiny tiny Christian school in a tucked away section of Nashville, TN. I know what you're thinking. How close minded and conservative. #1. It's a Christian school. What kind of freedom can you have attending a Christian school? #2. Your high school was bigger and this college right? I know I know. But I love doing something different. I mean, I went from a high school class of 42, to a college of 23,000 students, back to a cohort of like...IDK...less than 100. I'm all over the map here.

I'm doodling in my journal, then a conversation catches my attention and peaks my interest. The prof is talking about how we have to not only pay attention to techniques in counseling and theory, but also be aware of the fact that people are more than physical beings. We have souls and minds and spirits that continuously impact our lives and others. This makes me think about how different Lipscomb is than MTSU (my Alma mater). MTSU is considered to be quite a liberal college. You can protest and picket any time you feel like it. You can play explicit music outside the very buildings in which you attend class. Your professor will cuss you out if you step outta line. Let me paint a picture of the MTSU Psychology dept. for you. After 4 years in that environment I think I've come across maybe 2 Christians...MAYBE. I can only think of one but I'm giving a bit of grace thinking maybe I'm forgetting someone. How do I know this? My Psychology professors at MTSU made it clear to their class their views on Christianity. Basically, it's silly. My professors proclaimed and shouted their Atheistic views and wore them proud like it was an American flag. I've seen professors single out Christian students and ask them crazy questions like "why would an all knowing God create someone who He knew would torture and kill numerous people?" How can you answer a question to which only God knows that answer? Right, you can't. So I witnessed professors attacking God for years, and of course back then I didn't want to speak up or anything because #1. Professors don't make good enemies. #2. I couldn't answer their "God" questions.

Fast forward some years to Lipscomb. We can freely talk about how we do or do not believe in God. We can talk about the statistics that back up the biological ideas of Psychology and then follow up. We can talk about how our relationship with God affects who we are as counselors.

So now which school is close minded? The one where professors either don't care and denounce God or tip toe around the issue because it's a thin line between opinion and getting a premature review with the dean of the Psych dept. Or is it the one where you are free to believe what you want, and even encouraged to seek answers outside what can be physically measured.

hmmm.....

August 27

So what's up with you?

Oh me?? Well I guess this is my blog. Well...nothing. Ok, some things, but I'm not having a very good time dealing with most of them.



#1. School. I am now attend David Lipscomb University for my Masters in Counseling. I know at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't having a good time dealing with most of my life's event right now but you know what? I enjoy school. It's something I'm very good at. I'm great at reading, remembering, discussing, comprehending, and evaluating different theories of practice in Psychology. I sooo LOVE Lipscomb. It's a complete turn-around from MTSU. First off, I think I had ONE Christian Psych professor at MTSU. I mean, nearly all of them proclaimed to not believe in God. I guess when you see the worst parts of humanity it challenges every part of you. Well at Lipscomb, these people believe in God. On the first day we had a debate on whether or not a Christian should practice couples therapy on homosexual couples. I LOVE IT. I can't wait to step on some toes over at Lipscomb!! HAHA, jk. Y'all know I'm a hard core Christ lover, but never will I miss an opportunity to minister because John and Jane Doe aren't living the way my bible says they should. I mean dang...I ain't there yet either. My profs are encouraging us to figure out who we will be as counselors. What types of techniques will we use? What population(s) will we see? Will we even counsel, or be in administration or academia? I believe as far as Psychology goes, I'll be a counselor for teens and young adults. I think I'm gonna be that type of counselor who brings herself without the flashy degree to her sessions. I mean, let's face it. Most counselors think that just because they have some degrees, they're better at life. NOPE. Not a fact. In fact, most Psychologists see Psychologists on a weekly basis for their issues. I'm going into this field with my imperfect self, to give of myself and to learn from the people I see. So after this semester I'll have three more. December 2010 here I come!!! I plan on going for my doctorate...but Ima take that as it comes.



#2. Every day life. Lately it's been hard for me to find that "for no reason except I'm a child of God" joy. I mean...I have my good and GREAT days, and then I'll have a day like this. A day that I could take or leave. These days usually include me reflecting on my relationships with other people, reflecting on the money I'm spending on school, reflecting on why I am not where I want to be. I know, I'm only 21. But still...I have the same dreams and desires of a 31 year old (mostly), except I haven't had the time to achieve them. It seems like time is moving so fast sometimes, but I am going nowhere. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan, and if I'm walking in His will, I'll get to where He purposed for me to be, even if it does seem like I'm moving in slow motion. But hey, 1 day to the Lord is like 10,000 to you and me. Lately my relationships with some people have been strained. Not necessarily in a bad way. I mean, all things work for the good of those who love God, so of course there is purpose. BUT, I hate feeling like I put a lot into relationships and receive very little in return. I've felt this way with family and friends for the past year and I'm thinking #1. Maybe I expect too much from people. #2. Maybe I just need to get away and figure my own self out for a while. #3. Maybe I'm still acting as if I'm incapable of trusting others. I'm leaning towards #3, followed closely by #1, then #2 is around the corner. Lord...work...on...me!


#3. My mom. So my mom is having surgery here soon. There is a strong possibility of throat cancer (her results came back inconclusive 3 times!!) so she is getting her thyroid removed. The doctors won't know the severity of it all until she is actually on the operating table. When the doc first told me this I slick got a little attitude like..."why the HECK you gotta wait til you cut her open to find out whats up? Is this not 2000 and freakin 9 doc??" Then I have to remember, medicine has limitations. They are not magicians, and they are not gods. They are humans who do the best they can do with all the knowledge of the human body they have. The rest is God. I'm having a time with all of this because ever since I was super little I've had this crazy fear that my mom would die. I mean...if my mom went away for a while I'd imagine the worst possible thing that could happen. I actually remember thinking when I was about 12 that the day my mom dies, I want to die too, cuz I won't be able to take it. We have gone through close periods and not so close periods (at the time, we're closer than I think we've ever been). But when I look around, my mom is the only constant person walking on this Earth that I have. I don't know my father. My grandma is 88 and unfortunately unable to come to my rescue at times. My grandfather, 6 aunts and uncles, and innumerable cousins don't really know me. So that's it. My God, my mom, and me. That's all I really seem to have when it comes down to it. Now, don't think I'm minimizing God's presence in my life, I'm not. But I love to have relationships. I love to be able to talk without having to fear that what I say will end up on somebodys facebook page somewhere. So it's been kinda hard. Like I said before, Lord...work...on...me!! Ok...so I have a couple bffs. 2, to be exact, but it's still hard because I haven't learned to completely trust, especially as of lately. SO yup...prayer this way please! :)



#4. Academics vs. dreams. I have always dreamed of being a musician. Seriously folks, if I could just play worship music every single day my life would be great. Blu21 had a GREAT time last Sunday in youth service at church. It was awesome. I want that every day!! From a young age, I've been very logical (maybe this is why it's hard for me to trust. It's quite illogical to trust anyone but yourself right??). So I had to pick a "career" path. I chose Psychology. Now I love it. I love people. I love studying people. I love learning from people. So if I HAD to choose a real "career" I'd be a Psychologist. But man...that day when I get the opportunity to live my dream...these textbooks and me gon have a bon fire to rival all bon fires.






#5. I miss my friends. I just ended a summer of complete joy. I saw Bebe and Cece in concert(actually I think I saw Cece like 3 or 4 times this summer lol). I went to Jamaica. Took some great road trips. Made some great friends. Graduated from college. And now the season has ended. It's always sooo hard for me to get back to business. Why can't I just take road trips and chill all day everyday? This is why God saw it fit for me not to be any kind of heiress with a ridiculous trust fund...Anjelica Crawford would not be doing to much...except for road trips and chillin. Summer 2009 has been my best!


Current favorite scriptures. Psalm 27 and Matthew 11. Psalm 27 calms every fear that I have...at least for a while. It's simply says no matter what I face, who I face, how lonely I get, the Lord will receive me. Thank you Jesus. Matthew 11. I am currently learning to learn OF Jesus. To come to Him for rest. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. What a life to live. Like I said....I'm learning.


Writing this blog has made me feel a little better about the day. I guess I just needed to work through some of the stuff that was making it's way through my head to put it in some kind of perspective.







Oh yea...tomorrow's my bday. Am I excited???!!!!!!! No. I kinda feel like I did around graduation time. I'm just not that into celebrations for me. I'd rather go to other peoples parties...

Alright...later





Call me...you know my name by now.

No Reason to Smile

I am not the same as I was when I took my first steps.

I'm currently at work. Smiling for no particular reason other than...well, I'm me, God is God, and life is good. Lately I've been kind of sad and keeping to myself a bit more. I haven't really felt like chillin or talkin to people much. Well that's over.

I had a bad situation pop up, but that is all that it was; a bad situation. Things and people come and go like waves in an ocean, and just like the waves, you can't stop them. So I'm learning to let people be people, allow me to be me, and let God take care of everything in between. Isn't it funny how one instance can change your entire day, week, or even life. But what is life if not a series of instances designed and predestined to impact the next?

I'm at work listening to Ginny Owens and just started smiling for NO reason. I realized I haven't blogged in a while and just decided that I may just be in the mood to write one. My thought at this very moment: I have joy. I have the joy of the Lord and although nothing is currently going on I am just happy to know God and have another day to walk on this Earth and represent Him the best that I can. Is that not worth a smile?

Blu21

I haven't written about Blu21 in quite a while. I've been on a small mental break from Blu21 for a couple of reasons. I haven't felt like I was in a position to minister. So in Jamaica, Stix and I played probably 3 or 4 times at different things. The day after we arrived we ministered How Great is Our God at the church service in Kingston. I LOVED IT!!!! When we got up there I was nervous on the sly because there was a lot of people there and I HATE those moments when people are following you with your eyes as you make it to the stage. NERVE RACKING!!! But anyway, after we began, everyone worshipped, and I was free. I was free to tell God how GREAT He is. I forgot about everyone else in that room, even if it was only for a few moments. It was God and I. I opened my eyes for a bit and saw everyone with their hands lifted and giving the attention of which we so often rob Him. AWESOMENESS!!!

Then we ministered on and off with the band throughout the week. Our theme song was Indescribable by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song!! Everyone was like...omg I never wanna hear that song again. But I mean...think about those words:

Indescribable

Uncontainable

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name

You are amazing God

All powerful

Untamable

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

The song is just about how GREAT and BIG and AWESOME our God is. I could never get tired of it. At one point Auntie Janeth (the founder of the organization we were serving with) asked me if I knew the song. I was like..."yea, I know the chorus." Then out of no where she called me up to sing it ALONE. OMG. Ok, so it wasn't out of no where. I mean looking back, why else would she ask me if I knew it? I wasn't thinking really. If I was I prolly woulda been like..."ummm nope. Sure don't." LOL

Blu21 also played at a service in the park in Chapelton. That night was powerful. There is something about being in nature to come see about God. I mean, I have experienced some powerful things in a building. God can sweep through a room and leave you on the ground, weighted down by the pressure of His glory. But when you are outside, no air conditioning, an abundance of bugs, clouds, wind, and voices lifted up to the sky in praises, you experience something different. It's like you are going to meet God instead of the other way around. That may not be the best way to describe it, but I don't know how else to. It's like being in God's habitat instead of Him coming into ours. Needless to say, I loved it. We ministered Broken; "I want to be broken before you." The sound was acting kinda funny, but I prayed before our performance that God remove any hindrances from my heart and rest on each word and note played. When I feel like I have laid down my worries, my mind, I feel like God has the opportunity to move.

At the end of the open air service, serval people came up for salvation. THAT IS THE POINT!! The point is not for people to hear you and give compliments. The points is not to fulfill some religious obligation to one another. The point is not to give God a few hours so we can rid ourselves of some feeling of duty or guilt. The point is to lead souls to Christ. Nothing is more important, and when I saw those people come up to that alter I felt this peace like...this is what it's about. It not about our feelings man. It's about this.

Today Blu21 ministered at the youth service at Born Again Church (My church home in Nashville). Ok, I'm sure you're tired of hearing me say this but...I LOVED IT!!! LOL I LOVED being down there watching the young folks just love God. We sang God I Love You. My FAVORITE Blu21 song. I love it because it's simply and it expresses everything that needs to be expressed; God I love you, God I need you, God I want you, I am nothing without you. I didn't actually play the guitar today. Stix was playin my electric so everyone could hear her more, and her acoustic that I was playing did not sound good with the electric. So I just held it and sang. (My string broke on my acoustic so I needs to go ahead and get me some strangs). Anywho...I LOVE just singing and not playing. First of all, I ain't got that kind of skill just yet where I can play and sing without strugglin just a lil bit. I am improving, but I'm not there yet. So I just sang. We received compliments which was cool of course. Those always feel good, but Sister Kitty said something that meant so much. She said that she knew our words were real and came from a deep and heartfelt place, and that they touched the kids. That's all that really mattered man. Bump all the compliments, they heard the words beyond my voice. They heard the notes because Stix strumming. They talked to God from their own personal place, and said some simple words: God I Love You.

I've got a few new songs that I've written for Blu21. I haven't played them all for Stix, but I will soon. I feel a lot better about playing again. Whatever was going on that was trying to attack our ministry did not succeed, simply because God says when enemies come they will stumble and fall (Psalm 27). So whatever the attack, in my mind or otherwise, it did not prosper. Thank you Jesus. I'm excited to see Stix's reaction to the songs. At first I thought they weren't Blu21 songs because the sound is very different from what we've written prior to, but we'll see if they end up under the Blu21 umbrella-ella-ella. (lol)

School

Well whats to say except...it starts tomorrow. I am going for my Masters in Counseling, which is cool. I'm excited to have that under my belt. It will only take 4 semesters. People say that undergrad is in many ways a greater challenge than many grad programs, so altogether I'm not nervous. But I am apprehensive about the whole thing cuz Lord knows that sometimes, I don't FREAKING feel like going to class, reading a textbook, writing a paper, listening to professors, paying THOUSANDS of dollars... But I also know that God is going to use this training as part of my ministry, otherwise I wouldn't feel to pressed to go. I mean...ain't one degree enough for a simple worship musician? lol...nope.. have you seen our economy??? LOL

So I'm going in prepared to study (hopefully. I've never really studies all that much before) and learn all that I need to learn in order to go to the next step. I'm ready God. I'll let y'all know how the first week goes.

I feel like some things are coming to an end. This has been a great summer. I've met wonderful people and developed GREAT relationships. So let's call it an end and move to the next phase...but only with you Jesus.

** I wonder if people get tired of reading about "God" and "Jesus" in my blogs??? Awww, I'm sorry, but if that's the case, stop reading my blogs. There is nothing else I'd rather talk about than God and how He reveals Himself in my life. SO, and I quote; "That's that on that" (Quote from Sophie, Melissa, and Sabrina).

I am not the same as I was when I took my first steps.

Call me Jel